Curate, connect, and discover
I recently decided to challenge myself to write a non-horror short story.
This is my first time attempting to write a story that is supposed to be funny.
When I told my family about this they asked me if I was sick...
Without any further ado, I would love to hear what people think of this attempt at a comedic story:)
Word count: 2076
TW: Profanity (Doesn't go much further than 'shit' though)
“And this is detective Jayden Falkenstein.”
My boss has his hand on one of the shoulders of some kid, while looking like a proud father.
“That’s your nephew isn’t it?” I remark.
The chief looks astonished: “Oh my, you’re already familiar with him?”
“No.” I answer honestly: “But I feel like there’s something you too have in common.”
The man laughs as if I was giving him a compliment: “Oh well, he’s actually a lot brighter than me.”
“You wouldn’t say.” I scan the child before me with my eyes, there’s just something… terribly annoying about him. His clothes are made of many bright colours that don’t go well together, making me believe that he might be color blind. He looks unprofessional and attracts way too much attention.
His face bears the expression of a terrified child trying to hide his fear, with a look of fake confidence that is way too easily shattered.
There’s just no way that he’s a detective.
“So, sir, is he going to work here with us? Like an intern or something?” Or is he here to be baby-sitted by one of us? I secretly add.
“Oh, no, no, no. We need my dear nephew here to help us solve something.”
“Is he good with computers?” The chief is old, maybe that’s the problem? Was an IT-guy too expensive?
“I told you before, he’s a detective.” The man’s face turns serious, he must have noticed that I’ve been having difficulty with believing him.
His nephew must really want to play detective, there’s no way he went to school for it. Let alone leave with diploma in hand.
“You two are about the same age, so I expect you two to get along.”
“Around the same age?” I ask dumbfounded. I know the chief is getting old, but does he really have such difficulty with discerning 15-year olds with those in their twenties? It’s just impossible, he doesn’t even look close. And his terrible sense of fashion…
That and I don’t believe he would even be allowed to take his first driving lessons, let alone be allowed to step inside a bar.
The kid smiles at me: “I’m twenty-five, you know. I heard that you’re two years older.”
What…?!
I shake my head: “You’re not allowed to lie to a police officer, show me your ID.” I gesture to him to hand it over.
“Officer Coldon!” The chief calls out to me in frustration.
But the ‘detective’ hands me something “Here.” he says in a kind tone.
I take the object not really taking it seriously, until the picture and text reaches my sight.
…
…
He really is…
I feel utterly flabbergasted and it takes me a bit to finally find my composure again. While double checking if the ID is real or not.
I cough: “So chief, what’s the plan?”
The man in question looks at me still slightly annoyed: “Well, we got a message from the art gallery asking for help. Someone is threatening to take down the building.”
“I see, have they had the thread on paper or via mail?”
“Paper. The author of the note mentioned something like ‘sneaking inside like a snake’.”
“Can I see it?” I unconsciously reach out, hoping for him to give it to me.
Instead the older man shakes his head: “It’s being analysed by the lab right now. And it’s almost time to go.”
“Already?” The detective asks pouting.
That really can’t be an adult…
Both me and Jaiden get sent back home to change into more formal wear.
I’m lucky that I live quite close by to the gallery itself, I can head straight to the building.
After quickly finding something I believe to be fitting for a guest, I leave my apartment behind and walk to the place the chief wants us to meet up.
It’s in a park close by, I see they were able to get a normal looking van.
Then the other thing that I notice…
As if someone had eaten rainbows and puked them back out…
I frown and try to look away from the almost glowing thing standing before me: “Hell no, you’re not getting in there dressed like that!”
Surprise, surprise… It’s Jaiden standing before me, dressed in a manner even a freezing and naked hobo wouldn’t want. That hobo would most likely prefer to die.
Unconventional, torture to the eye itself. That describes it at best. I can feel the shame… Yet he does not seem to show that at all.
He’s comfortable in that?!
Detective Falkenstein looks at me with a smirk: “Well you’re dressed way too fancy for someone just visiting a museum.”
The audacity.
Suddenly the chief pulls both of us by our collars: “Damnit, both of you, get changed!!”
Both are forced to change on the spot for more casual looking clothes.
As we enter the building I glare at my colleague that did get his way by secretly keeping his God awful looking shirt underneath, slightly better looking clothing.
The chief had decided that the two of us have to partner up. There are others that are doing the same, but are given different routes to walk.
“So, one ticket for an adult and one for a child?” The lady behind the counter asks, taking my thoughts of annoyance to another place.
“I-I’m sorry ma’am, could you repeat that?” I’m pretty sure I heard something wrong.
“One adult.” She nods towards me, speaking almost in slow motion: “And one child.” She nods to Jaiden.
Immediately I shake my head: “That’s a grown man.”
A mischievous smile crosses my colleagues face, one I don’t like the look of.
“Sorry ma’am, my dad is only joking.” He takes my arm and I do my best to resist the urge to slap it away.
The lady behind the counter smiles a little, though clearly with murderous intent when her eyes rest on me.
Then she turns back to Jaiden, a soft smile crosses her face: “Would you like to participate in the scavenger hunt?”
The idiot smiles brightly: “Yes please.”
We get the tickets and I hear the lady whisper to one of her colleagues: “He’s so polite, he really did not get that from his dad.”
The other nods, “Yeah, he probably has a much better mother.”
When we’re finally out of hearing range, I pull the detective closer to me in anger: “That’s illegal!” I whisper-yell: “With our job we need to set a good example!”
Jaiden smiles carefree: “We also aren’t allowed to stand out.”
I hate to admit it, but in a way, just a tiny bit, he has a point. I better talk it out with him later.
Or perhaps I should set him the good example.
Engrossed in the piece of paper that was handed to him earlier, he mumbles: “Hmmm… where should we go next?”
It really isn’t the time to go on a scavenger hunt.
We soon find ourselves inside a long hallway, the walls are neatly lined with many paintings each in slightly different colours and moods.
I can understand why people calls this true art, the way the emotions are showing, the dreams and ideas of their creators all come together in one-
“That one looks super ugly!” My colleague bursts out in a loud laughter.
I look at him threateningly, but he doesn’t seem to notice at all.
“That…” He points at it: “Is truly the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. No one would want it on a t-shirt. They did call this art right? Is this the collection of the ugliest man-made squirts?”
“Jaiden!” I hiss his name at him to quiet him down, but it only seems to show him that I’m still here.
He turns to me, ignoring the emotions that I’m clearly showing and asks a question in an annoyingly casual way: “So, the scavenger hunt is asking me to give this one a name. I’m thinking of ‘barf in the barn’ or ‘shit cow exploding’…”
He’s asking me.
Damnit, how clueless can a person be?
I take a deep breath to calm myself down: “We should continue to the next.” I try to remind him. There’s no time to be loitering around here, we have a criminal to catch!
I cannot truly see what this painting means, but I bet it has something to do with the painter's hidden anger bursting out. I think to myself as we’ve entered another hallway and a painting has taken my attention.
“Ha, a six-year-old could do better.”
I’m a cop. I remind myself. Murder is a crime.
Though I need to repeat it multiple times in order for it really to seep into my mind.
Continuing on I suddenly notice someone in the crowd acting strange.
A man is staring at a painting, without moving or even blinking at all.
Is he even still breathing?
Carefully as to not get his attention I glance his way a couple of times.
Trying to concentrate, I think about what I should do.
Should I let my other colleagues in- and outside know?
Or should I-
Crunch…
Crunch……
The sound of someone eating right next to me takes me out of my train of thought.
Guess who it is…
Jaiden…
Again.
Yep. That’s right…
He’s eating a bag of chips.
I’m thinking of ripping the thing out of his hands, but he walks off just before I’m able to.
You’re not allowed to eat inside this part of the gallery! I want to yell, but he’s already stepping towards the man I’m suspicious of.
I can see him say something to the suspect and then hold up his bag of potato chips.
The suspect is taken out of his trance and smiles, accepting the offer and taking some of the chips from the bag.
The detective comes back to me: “You know officer Coldon, not everyone is a suspect. That man was simply entranced by the painting. It isn’t pretty, the painting, but to him it feels like something special.”
I would love to be allowed to hit this kid over the head.
I remain silent, trying to show in this way that I still don’t agree.
“We should go this way.”
“Why?” I ask.
Did he suddenly have a good idea?
“The scavenger hunt continues down that hall.”
I follow him, tired out by my own anger and frustration.
I want to be part of what saves this gallery, but now I’m unsure if I can really do it.
“This has to be it!” Jayden suddenly calls out.
“Please lower your voice…” I feel too tired to lecture him again.
He picks up a random looking, empty piece of paper.
“This piece of paper must have another message… like with invisible ink.”
I swear I’m done with this guy.
“There’s no way…” I say, knowing that it’s clearly bull.
Not paying attention, while taking a few steps back, he accidentally bumps into someone.
“Ah, I’m sorry.” He immediately apologizes.
I guess he does have basic manners.
“Don’t worry, it doesn't matter.” The man he walked into answers in a kind tone: “It still happens to me from time to time as well.”
“Still I’m really sorry.”
Are these two going to keep doing this or are they finally going to stop and move on?
We still have to catch someone.
“Oh right, sir, do you happen to have a lighter?” Jayden quickly asks: “I need it for the scavenger hunt.” He points at the piece of completely ordinary paper.
“Oh yeah, I have one.” The man starts digging through his pockets: “Please do return it to me.”
“Thank you.” My babysitting job answers politely.
Carefully he lets the small flame from the dark metal object lick the paper.
As his face turns sour he finally turns off the lighter.
The paper really was just a piece of random paper.
Before returning it, he takes a quick glance at the small object in his hand. For a moment it looks like something clicked inside his mind.
With a smile on his face he returns the lighter to its owner.
“Thank you for letting me borrow this. Unfortunately it seems like this isn’t part of the scavenger hunt.” He hangs his head down showing rather theatrically his frustration.
“I see, well kid, I hope you find it.” The man takes the lighter and calmly walks away.
As the man has gone around the corner, Jayden suddenly jumps and pulls my sleeve: “That’s him!” He stops himself just in time from yelling: “The snake mentioned in the letter, it’s on the lighter! His means of destroying this place is by fire.”
Too tired to struggle, I press against my hidden earpiece and call for backup, giving everyone the best description I can of the suspect.
As we’re finally called back, the chief tells us that our suspects fingerprints matched that of the letter that was sent.
But a better investigation and court will be held later to find out what really happened.
I glance at my colleague.
I guess he might have his charms, solving a case might not entirely be beyond him…
Though dumb luck did most of the job.
But I still can’t get over his horrible sense of fashion!