Flare Up - Blog Posts

My chronic pain has gotten worse every winter for the past 4ish years. And not just a flare up that goes away again but permanently worse. And I don't know if it's simply a coincidence that it happens every winter but I'm so nervous and scared because it's getting cold again.

im having a flare up of back pain at school and im afraid to stand up because i know that as soon as my backpack touches my back that my vision will go black again, and a bolt of lightning will shoot up my spine again, and ill feel like im falling when im not again, and i already have a headache from the fluorescents again

and i cant go to the nurse again, because shell send me home again, and i cant get behind again, not with a history test tomorrow and a math cumulative thurday and a science quiz also on thursday

and im so fucking tired and i wish i hadnt gotten up this morning and i just want to go home and watch a movie with a heating pad on or just fall asleep forever

Demon Of Pain - Day... ?

I had an odd experience yesterday.

I helped my sister move into her new apartment. 2-3 hours hours in and my body started flaring up (well, I had already needed to submerge my hands in very hot water to get them to hurt less and be less stiff twice. But this time it was my back and the rest of my body.)

So I biked home, parked my (public) bike. I had to walk 2-3 blocks. The entire way there I was hit urges to claw at the pain in my back by my shoulder blades, and couldnt stop doing it. Or to press my hands on the muscles, hard. When trying not to claw at it, I'd stim very obviously with my hand(s). This might sound rude, but I felt like ppl looked at me and saw an addict on a bad trip.

I was breathing weird, through clenched teeth in a permanent open-mouthed grimace. Sounded a bit almost darth vader-y. I'd bare my teeth, but there was nothing to bare my teeth at. I'd snarl at nothing. Start to hiss and then try to stop cause I was still in public. Kept having the words "fuck off" repeat over and over in my head. I dont even know how to describe what I was feeling emotionally. It felt. Barely lucid? But at the same time very aware. Like my brain was getting blinded by the light of my pain.

As I kept walking I kept doing these more. Not cause I wanted to. I just couldn't stop.

I got home and prepared a hot shower—by the time I was in the bathroom I had started repeatedly hissing "fuck off" repeatedly out loud.

Eventually it all stopped in the shower.

I know it was all just cause I was overwhelmed with the pain, but it honestly felt like I was having a fucking fit. It was horrible.

Ended up doodling it a bit in my journal and remembered a really old piece of art similar to what I drew.