Loveless Aro - Blog Posts

Yes yes yes, this, this right here

I think more people should headcanon characters as repulsed, loveless, and non-partnering actually.

Have to pretend

Realising that I am an aromantic was actually so freeing. Like yeah, at the beginning I've had not the best start with figuring out how to escape relationships I have been in, but damn I'll ever change the way things are going right now.

My whole life I was surrounded with weird for me expectations: to find a partner and have this life full of romance, find someone that will be my "second half", have this romantical moments with this person, have dates and etc. I was hearing from almost everywhere how important this "Love" is and that I should have the same. Because "that's the most fulfilling thing in life". And so I pretended. Pretended that I actually feel this. And damn I was so good at this, that at some point I convinced MYSELF, that I feel it. Realising that romance wasn't for me and that I'm not suited for it anyhow was so... Relaxing? I finally don't need to look through everyone I see in hopes something will "drag" me to them, I don't need to have this awkward "Is this what couples do, isn't it?" thought living constantly in my mind because of trying TO CONVINCE myself I love someone. There's no thinking about "Do I love my friend?" after every social interaction because I obviously DON'T. And of course, I'm not thinking that I'm broken or damaged because well... I'm not.

Realising that I'm aro was one of the most important and fantastic things in my life. I still have to deal with pressure because of the society I live in but... that's not as painful as it was. Because I know who I am and that it'll probably stay like this for the rest of my life. And that I don't need to run after the concepts that I don't need and don't understand. Yes, I can find them entertaining in media for sure but... There's no pressure from myself that tells me to try to fit in for the simple reason: "Everyone has it, you should too".

Ambiqueerplatonic/ ambiamorous queerplatonic

[no image ID yet]

For anyone who is ambiamorous in regards to queerplatonic attraction and/or and queerplatonic relationships.

Loveless ambiqueerplatonic/ loveless ambiamorous queerplatonic

[no image ID yet]

For those who are loveless aros and ambiamorous in regards to queerplatonic attraction and/or and queerplatonic relationships. The overall ambiqueerplatonic flag is also inclusive of loveless aros, this is just for those who wish to specify that they are loveless and/or dislike the design with the heart due to being loveless.

Version without and with arrow in loveless aro colors.

Ambialterous/ ambiamorous alterous

[no image ID yet]

For anyone who is ambiamorous in regards to alterous attraction and/or and alterous relationships.

Loveless ambialterous/ loveless ambiamorous alterous

[no image ID yet]

For those who are loveless aros and ambiamorous in regards to alterous attraction and/or and alterous relationships. The overall ambialterous flag is also inclusive of loveless aros, this is just for those who wish to specify that they are loveless and/or dislike the design with the heart due to being loveless.

Version without and with arrow in loveless aro colors.

The flags are based on this ambiamorous flag[link] and the queerplatonic/alterous flag respectively. The green heart in the ambiqueerplatonic flag stands for aromantic/non-romantic attraction, affection, love and/or relationships. The diamond on the loveless flags stands for affectrion that isn't "love".

More variants of my polyplatonic/polyamqueerplatonic and polyamalterous flags version for different experiences!

my original flag[link] is including of all these following experiences, these flags are just for those who want to specify what their experience is and want their own flag for these experiences.

Loveless polyplatonic/polyamqueerplatonic

[image ID: a flag with 3 stripes in the colors light pink, purple and dark purple. On the left side is a light yellow triangle and a green rhombus. The second flag is the same with an additional arrow symbol in the loveless aro colors. The front half of the arrow goes through the side of the rhombus, going from the bottom left to the top right at a 45 degree angle, the very tip of the arrow sticking out just slightly]

My original polyplatonic/polyamqueerplatonic flag is also inclusive of loveless aros, this is just for those who wish to specify that they are loveless and/or dislike the design with the heart due to being loveless.

The dark purple stands for the united non-monogamous community, the yellow stands for platonic attraction, affection, love and/or relationships, the light pink stands for queerplatonic attraction, affection, love and/or relationships, the purple stands for asexuality, and/or non-sexual relationships and the green square stands for affection that isn't "love". The second flag is with an arrow in the loveless aro colors to represent loveless aros.

Flag for polyplatonic/polyamqueerplatonic people that want to specify they experience sexual attraction and/or are in sexual relationships/ their qpr also includes sexual intimacy.

[image ID: a flag with 3 stripes in the colors light pink, reddish pink and dark purple. On the left side is a light yellow triangle and a green heart tilted 90 degrees counterclockwise.]

The dark purple stands for the united non-monogamous community, the yellow stands for platonic attraction, affection, love and/or relationships, the light pink stands for queerplatonic attraction, affection, love and/or relationships, the pink stands for sexuality, sexual attraction and/or sexual relationships and the green heart stands for aromantic people, aromantic/non-romantic attraction, affection, love and/or relationships. The meaning specifically says sexuality and not allosexuality since it also includes those on the ace-spec that still experience some form of sexual attraction. It also specifically includes strictly asexual people that still ingage in sexual activities and/or have sexual relationships.

Flag for loveless polyplatonic/polyamqueerplatonic people that want to specify they experience sexual attraction and/or are in sexual relationships/ their qpr also includes sexual intimacy.

[image ID: a flag with 3 stripes in the colors light pink, reddsih pink and dark purple. On the left side is a light yellow triangle and a green rhombus. The second flag is the same with an additional arrow symbol in the loveless aro colors. The front half of the arrow goes through the side of the rhombus, going from the bottom left to the top right at a 45 degree angle, the very tip of the arrow sticking out just slightly]

The dark purple stands for the united non-monogamous community, the yellow stands for platonic attraction, affection and/or relationships, the light pink stands for queerplatonic attraction, affection and/or relationships, the pink stands for sexuality, sexual attraction and/or sexual relationships and the green square stands for affection that isn't "love". The second flag is with an arrow in the loveless aro colors to represent loveless aros.

Loveless polyamalterous

[image ID: a flag with 3 stripes in the colors light gray, red and dark purple. On the left side is a light yellow triangle and a light pink rhombus. The second flag is the same with an additional arrow symbol in the loveless aro colors. The front half of the arrow goes through the side of the rhombus, going from the bottom left to the top right at a 45 degree angle, the very tip of the arrow sticking out just slightly]

My original polyamaltrtous flag is also inclusive of loveless aros, this is just for those who wish to specify that they are loveless and/or dislike the design with the heart due to being loveless.

The dark purple stands for the united non-monogamous community, the other colors are the colors of the alterous flag and represent alterous attraction, affection, and/or relationships. The square stands for affection that isn't "love". The second flag is with an arrow in the loveless aro colors to represent loveless aros.

yeah, but you do mean 'loveless' like 'romanceless' right? Just cause you're not interested in a romantic partnership, and you're never attracted to anyone romantically, that doesn't mean you can't love your family and your friends. Am I understanding wrong? I feel like it's a widely accepted concept that 'love' isn't just romantic, it's about caring about someone, no matter if they're your family or platonic friend or your pet.

No, "loveless" means love-less. Another anon also asked me to explain as well so:

"Lovelessness" in the aro context comes from the essay I Am Not Voldemort by K.A Cook. The essay confronts normative ideas on love, its inherent positivity and what it means to not love. From the introduction, which brings up the question of non-romantic love:

This June, I saw an increasing number of positivity and support posts for the aromantic and a-spec communities discussing the amatonormativity of “everyone falls in love”. I agree: the idea that romantic love is something everyone experiences, and is therefore a marker of human worth, needs deconstruction. Unfortunately, a majority of these posts are replacing the shackles of amatonormativity with restrictive lines like “everyone loves, just not always romantically”, referencing the importance of loving friends, QPPs, family members and pets. Sometimes it moves away from people to encompass love for hobbies, experiences, occupations and ourselves. The what and how tends to vary from post to post, but the idea that we do and must love someone or something, and this love redeems us as human and renders us undeserving of hatred, is being pushed to the point where I don’t feel safe or welcome in my own aromantic community. Even in the posts meant to be challenging the more obvious amatonormativity, it is presumed that aros must, in some way, love. I’ve spent weeks watching my a-spec and aro communities throw neurodiverse and survivor aros under the bus in order to do what the aromantic community oft accuses alloromantic aces of doing: using their ability to love as a defence of their humanity. Because I love, they say, I also don’t deserve to be a target of hatred, aggression and abuse. But what if I don’t love? What if love itself has been the mechanism of the hatred and violence I have endured? Why am I, an aro, neurodiverse survivor of abuse and bullying, still acceptable collateral damage?

The author criticizes the idea of "true love" that is incapable of harm. Ze questions why we construct love in that way, and how it ignores and simplifies the experiences of victims of abuse ("It’s comforting to think that a love that wounds isn’t real love, but it denies the complexity of experience and feeling had by survivors. It denies the complexity of experience and feeling that makes it harder for us to identify abuse and escape its claws. It denies the validity of survivors who look at love and feel an honest doubt about its worth, as a word or a concept, in our own interactions and experiences.") Ze talks about being forced to say "I love you" to transphobic, abusive parents whose feelings of love was the justification for their abuse.

The core of what "loveless" as an concept is about is summed up in this quote:

There is no substantial difference between saying “I’m human because I fall in love”, “I’m human because I love my friends” and “I’m human because I love calligraphy”. All three statements make human worth contingent on certain behaviours, feelings and experiences. Expanding the definition of what kinds of love make us human does nothing but save some aros from abuse and antagonism … while telling survivor and neurodiverse aros, who are more likely to have complex relationships to love as a concept or are unable to perform it in ways recognised by others, that we’re still not worthy.

Lovelessness is against any kind of statement which quantifies humanity (and implicitly, human worth) in the ability to feel or act or experience certain things. Humans are human by virtue of being human, and nothing else. And, it is socially constructed! "Love" has no natural definition! Some people are not comfortable using "love" to describe positive feelings and relationships, and some people do not feel those positive feelings in general. And those people deserve the right to define their own experiences and their own relationship to the social construct of love.

In essence, lovelessness is both a personal as well as (in my opinion) a political identity, born from aro and mad experiences that challenges not just amatonormativity but all ideas that associate personhood and worth with the ability to feel certain things.

& as a note, there is also the term "lovequeer" which describes using the term "love" in ways which contradict mainstream understandings of what it means to love, and which kinds of love are considered worthwhile.