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Ranking the Kens in Barbie based on overall ‘kenergy’
1. Ken
- little cowboy hat
- doctor who
- just misses his best friend barbie 🥹
8.5 out of Ken
2. Ken
- less fun lil cowboy hat
- gets to be douche bro president Ken
- related to Chris evans maybe?
- gives Ryan gosling a lil kiss
5 out of Ken
3. Ken
- back flipping Ken
- excellent dancer
- gives serious steal ur girl energy
- possibly the most sexually aggressive of all the Kens (I am referencing his interactions with Ryan Gosling Ken exclusively, the energy was palpable)
- served some mad cunt
9 out of Ken
4. Ken
- possibly my favourite Ken
- always has Ken’s back
- very goofy dancer 💜
- played drums when all the other Ken’s played guitar
- recipient of the holy pimp coat
- almost certainly in love with his best friend Ken
10 out of Ken
5. Ken
- THE Ken
- he’s kenough 🥲
- lost interest in the patriarchy when he found out it wasn’t about horses
- instigated the greatest out of nowhere dance number in a film I’ve ever seen
- buuuuuuuut also enslaved a bunch of women so…
-10 out of Ken (still love him tho)
Me when someone asked me about my childhood crushes: nah, I didn't have any.
Me rewatching all the Barbie movies realizing I (typically) had a crush on Barbie's character and the male lead: 👁👄👁
Oh my god I hate Mattel so much.
They took the American Girl brand and gave it a lobotomy.
I was going to make a very very very very bad joke about one of the 90s girls getting an eating disorder after watching Britney Spears, BUT DECIDED AGAINST IT because eating disorders are something you don’t joke about, BUT. HERE’S THE THING.
Here’s the thing. Being a tween-to-teen-age girl in the late 90s early 2000s was BULLSHIT. You had 16-year-old Britney Spears singing “Hit me baby one more time” in her Lolita schoolgirl miniskirt and crop top showing off her perfectly flat abs, and then you went to school and had abstinence-only sex ed mandated by the evangelical right wing who gave out purity rings and told you that only sluts had sex before marriage. And then there was the issue of being a fat girl trying to find jeans that met her school’s dress code the days of low-rise jeans and belly button rings.
I ended up adoring Linkin Park because their music gave voice to the rage that I had inside of me because of all that. I wore men’s pants from Hot Topic not only because I thought they were cool, but they actually fucking fit and they covered my ass crack. I wore black because I didn’t fit in to the ultra-skinny, ultra cool kid Abercrombie aesthetic. And THAT is what growing up in the 90s and coming of age in the 2000s was like.
“Nicki Hoffman is a nine going on ten year old girl living in Seattle, Washington just before the year 2000 (the turn of the millennium). She is six minutes older than her fraternal twin sister, Isabel, but one inch shorter. Nicki prefers grunge, ska music, rock, alternative, and skating; she is the “grunge” to Isabel’s glitter. She does not like eating raw fish and sushi; her father teases that they can’s spell “finicky” without Nicki. She likes sour candy–the more sour, the better. She’s known to be shy, to the point Isabel points this out; she initially doesn’t have other friends than Isabel. She’s very anxious about the Y2K problem and the risks and worries that have been circulating, so Isabel and her create a list to take her mind off her worries of things to do before New Year’s.Her favorite color is purple, her favorite animal is a dog (she adopts her puppy, Blossom, as a Hanukkah gift), her favorite band is No Doubt, and her favorite show is The Powerpuff Girls (her favorite character being Blossom). She likes to snack on Wild Berry Pop tarts. She does not like her middle name, Pearl.The family is interfaith and celebrates both Hanukkah and Christmas. “
It’s a sterilized and dumbed-down version of growing up in the 90s, one where they only real problem facing girls is the y2k bug. It’s about the aesthetic but not the experience. Honestly the girls of today deserve to see that their moms had it difficult, too, and that the pressure to grow up incredibly quickly and be beautiful and flawless and instantly become a woman is nothing new, now it’s just on TikTok instead of MTV.
It’s the trap of nostalgia. Just because you were younger and not as aware of the issues going on in the world doesn’t mean the world was better.
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