Plural System - Blog Posts

This is random but I made and have been regularly filling out this personal form to judge when I am dissociated and how I am feeling and this silly form is doing more for my denial than anything I've ever done. I can go back and see the other answers and stuff that don't align with me and know that I wasn't just imagining it all. I really was not myself for those times no matter what I want to pretend

Noticing and acknowledging and even accepting what it feels like to co-front has been a very big hurdle for us. Maybe because I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone else describe the sensation in quite the same way as we experience it. It's a little hard to explain properly but I found some images that kind of translate the feeling.

tw: images may mess with eyes or impose feelings of unreality

Most of the time we feel like 'ourselves' (i.e. the one correlated with our irl name/Des) but who is easily influenced by the others.

Only, when one of the others front, Des doesn't necessarily leave front or even develop amnesia and can usually still speak. It feels like the above images, with two beings occupying the same space. Afterwards Des will remember the basics of what transpired but as if it happened to another person or was a dream--with details missed and emotions muted or lost from the time.

tw: drugs, weed

So does anyone else notice that when they smoke/are high that some others (I still haven't found a word I like) are more likely and/or easier to front? Like in the past some of them didn't like the feeling and would avoid front. I've noticed that there are particular others that consistently are okay with fronting while high. It's kind of strange and definitely I think contributes to my denial and confusion. Unfortunately now days I am more likely to be high to some degree than sober. Dissociation also feels different when high which is another factor. It's just so hard to quit. (This post isn't about that, though ...)

Anyways...am I alone here?

As someone who really struggles with unclear rules/concepts, being a system is a very difficult idea to grasp or accept personally. Every few years I go through a cycle of denial and then rediscovery and exploration that eventually I get frustrated with and abandon. Perhaps it's a lack of self assurance in myself. Whatever it is, I hope this time is different somehow.

It's hard to do the difficult thing when it's much easier to just continue trudging along in a fog.