Queerstake - Blog Posts

loved the colors of the flowers from conference so I just had to doodle them

Articles of Faith 9 : God will yet reveal many great and important things for queer people

We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

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God will reveal many great and important things, such a hopeful thing to proclaim.

Since this blog is specifically by and for queer Latter-day Saints, how about we say that God will reveal many great and important things for queer people.

The Articles of Faith teach that we have a prophet, someone who acts as a spokesperson for God. What is our prophet revealing about queer people?

God loves His children and wants them to have joy.

He announced at BYU that homosexual immorality would be treated in the eyes of the Church in the same manner as heterosexual immorality, no longer would it be treated as much worse with heavier consequences.

He also used the terms gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender.

President Nelson also oversaw changes to the Handbook to soften things said about gay people and to provide more opportunities for them to be involved.

While these are incredibly small steps, they are steps forward toward more inclusion.

During President Nelson's term, the Handbook has undergone two major transformations regarding trans people, and it's interesting how much these two versions contradict each other, which makes me think they are still working their way through things and we'll see more big changes again in a few years.

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I want to point out that the ninth Article of Faith does not say that it's the prophet who will reveal the many great and important things. Queer people are getting these revelations for ourselves. What are things being revealed to queer people? Here's a few things I regularly hear from queer people:

Being queer isn't offensive to God

I was intended to be this way from before my mortal existence

God's love for us isn't contingent on our choices

God's okay with me dating and seeking a relationship

God is okay with me not dating and remaining alone

God is okay with me stepping away from this church

God is fine with me staying in the church, but it's not required, it's my choice

Each step I take forward in my transition feels right and good

When I die I won't suddenly become not queer

No one comprehends what heaven is like but we will be okay

God recognizes the queerphobic circumstances we live in and how hard that makes our lives and how that can keep us from joy

God wants us to have joy!

These are all very different from what the LDS Church taught me during my youth. Maybe queer people get these messages because they directly affect us and maybe because we are sincerely persistent in wanting answers that pertain to us.

Think about what you've learned from God about yourself, your path, and your future as a queer person, these are great and important things!

"There are no secrets!"

I blurt out at the dinner table. We are at my Great Aunt Linda's, in Somerset, Kentucky, for our annual family holiday get together. My cousin Brenda gives me a look I've never seen before. She looks at me like I'm an absolute lunatic. Like I just cut off the cat's head and am growling maniacally while its corpse drips blood from my jaw.

Only, that wasn't quite the case. In fact, I don't think anything I did or said deserved this kind of reaction. You see, I was 19 years old, and it was the year after my first year of college. My father and I had gotten into a nasty fight, but we hadn't discussed it yet. I said something to him about it in front of the whole family. Bad timing, I guess.

But in my mind, if in heaven or the afterlife, everything would be known -- why lie or try to cover things up in the present?

Welcome to the world of the 1 2 t h H a u s

The watery, elusive ocean. Where the ego, the self, individuality, becomes a mere drop in a vast sea. And the certain, reliable structures and fortitudes of material reality dissolve into a schizoaffective mod-podge of reality.

In astrology, the 12th house represents the end of the karmic zodiac wheel. It starts with Aries and the 1st house, then travels all the way around, till you end up with Pisces & the 12th. It rules over areas of life such as prisons, insane asylums, monestaries, rehabs, psych wards. Who wouldn't want to have their Sun sign there? Or Moon?

As you may be aware, the 12th house doesn't have the greatest of reputations. Planets here are elusive, hidden, not easily accessed. Like a monk, far away on a foggy, hilly terrain. With no cell phone or 2023 MacBook Air. Or a prisoner who lost his mind and is locked away for the rest of their life. Geez. At least something beautiful I heard about prisons and the 12th house, is that spiritually speaking, prisons and institutions are meant to save you from yourself.

Meaning, you can't harm others and create more karma for yourself when you're locked up. In practice though.... Prisons are pretty violent. But I've never been to prison. I have, however, been in and out of the psych ward for much of the beginning of my adult life.

It was mostly because of suicidal depression. Enter nervous breakdown from the immense pressure of being away from home in a small town for my first year of college. Being gay. Working class. It was a mess. What I thought would be an easy four year finish with a high paying job waiting for me, turned into a dead end. Nervous breakdown, bipolar diagnosis, joined a strange new religion (Hi Mormons <3) I took the Spring semester off after a week-long stint in the local psych ward. It would've been shorter, had they believed me about my throat hurting. I had tonsolitis.

Well, in my time away from school, I realized how s p i r i t u a l I was. I wanted to find the meaning of life. The right path. I researched and found that most religions didn't support homosexuality. Which sucked, because I was already out and had a boyfriend in high school. But I was raised by a paranoidly religious father in the Southern Baptist faith, and I had a fear of going to Hell. I also had a lot of toxic masculinity ideals internalized.

Eventually, I join the Mormon Church, but realize even among other church members, I was different. For instance, one afternoon on my porch at my Grandmas in Kentucky, I was praying/meditating -- all of a sudden, I just felt so transcendentally connected to the land. I imagined Native Americans on the hills by my house. It was an odd feeling. Dimensional.

At Church, I could see auras and glowing light emanating from other members, when they went up to the podium to bear their testimony. I found out later there was another kid in church who could see the same golden light. Most people didn't, though.

I would later read that people with Saturn in 9th house individuals are drawn to conservative religions such as Judaism, Catholicism, and Mormonism. I laughed and put the book down after I read that. The LDS Church was so important to me from 18-21. I was devastated when I had to choose being authentic to myself as a gay man over my religion. I really lost meaning and hope and drive, for my life.

The 12th house.

My father also has a twelfth house sun. Isn't that odd?

That we both have Sun in the 12th house. The issue is, I don't want to be like my father. I appreciate him, sure. Of course. But he acts a bit like a man lost at sea on a deserted island. His house a shack he built out of random wood. His best friend a volleyball. Except all of this while he's living in the middle of suburbia. That is the vibe, I fear.

I love him, I do. I also blame all the earth energy in his natal chart. I mean come on, the man quite literally ONLY has earth signs in his chart. Like no other element. What the hell?

So it leaves me to wonder.

How do us 12th house natives navigate the foggy, uncertain waters? How do we stay sane in a material world, when the veil is so thin to the other side? How do we find meaning and reason in a material, hostile world, when the peace and happiness of Heaven is right there, waiting for us?

Really, I must know. I'm almost 30. And I'm afraid I'm missing my moment. I want to be successful, but lately, every well I seem to throw my bucket down, turns out to be dry. I've fallen for the illusions long enough -- the only issue is, I can never tell what illusions I'm falling for until after the fact.

I didn't realize how crazy I was when I was younger when I was acting crazy. It was other peoples reactions, and my many, many, many psych ward visits that I realized I might not be the best suited for this world. It's so mean spirited, individualistic. I don't know how to cope or manage. Maybe this is the doom, the destiny, of my Sun in 12th house.

If I was a 3rd House Sun, I would be a writer or a journalist or a teacher. A 4th house Sun, a stay at home mom or run a daycare. A 9th house Sun, I'd be a professor or a travel agent or a psychaitrist.

What does a 12th house sun become? Shamanistic Healer?

I have no idea how to do that, and I've got bills, honey!

My Folly With The Mormon Church

You gave me purpose for so long. You solved my existential fears until I was forced to outgrow them. However the surrounding chaos, the plagues of my mind.

I surrender. I had to the first time. My father told me from a young age the importance of asking Christ to be saved, or you will be doomed to hell for eternity if you die. That’s pretty heavy for a five year old. I was spooked.

The second time was when I was thrown into the deep end after graduating high school. THE KIDS WERE NOT ALRIGHT. I was a mess.

Ill-prepared, temperamental, homosexual. Frustrated at the world. Frustrated with what was promised to me. My social realities just differed. My social life and upbringing. What was within reach. My stomping grounds. The struggles I had to face with from my home, against my will or control.

The Mormon Church gave me an answer.

Gave me a sense of purpose, sense, reasoning. After all, what could be more important than one’s eternal salvation. I came to the conclusion that homosexuality statistically had to be morally corrupt due to its widespread attitude across cultures and countries. Hell, I read even the Buddhists didn’t support all at. Damn. Even the Buddhists hate me ???

If all we got is Ancient Rome & Greece backing us, I hate to admit we’re doomed. Look at their fates. Maybe I am just a pawn for the demoralization of American society. Being working class is just a double wammy.

Admittedly though, two very close people to me died actually, and they were how I would’ve considered ‘privileged’. Private schools, even fencing lessons.

But they got clipped by God’s Own Hand. He ain’t take me out for some reason yet. I sure have been hoping though, deep down. I guess you could say that’s a source of my self sabotage. And the fear. Oh the fear. The fear of being myself, because it’s morally incorrect and of eternal consequence. Or the fear that was quite literally in my face. Mothertruckers would knock me out around here. I’m an effiminate white boy in an industrialized, working class urban environment.

With unhealthy coping strategies. Maybe that’s why I joined some strange religion, and made it my entire f***ng identity. Now at the ripe, very adult of 28, I ain’t got my cuteness as a defense for much longer.

Not that that necessarily saves you in America anyhow. You could die in a mass shooting in a grocery store. It really is wild like that out here. I think it does something to your psyche.

MY RETURN OF SATURN ♄ ༝༚༝༚

When I read that Saturn in the 9th House Natives (in Kentucky we would say was instead of were, but I’ll speak proper) were energetically attracted to more Traditional types of religions. My jaw bout near dropped. I kinda felt called out. How this book gonna tell me about myself like that?

I was irked. But it only furthered my belief in the ancient art of the stars. You can’t really argue with what’s right in front of you. And I, p

Pause. Had to start playing Saturn by Sza.

Alright. This stream of conciousness has been cathartic but it’s time I focus on the big idea. My health. My future. Rules change as you get older. Adult problems aren’t kid problems. I gotta get real with how my choices and actions have consequences. The strength of my youth is fading. My breathing is getting bad from years of smoking, vaping, clubbing and gaying. It’s time to retreat and try to find redemption from my mistakes of my 20s. I learned lessons. As 2 Chains said it best, I’m Diffrent..

my prince of kentucky, made me feel so -lucky

from within him a dark light, first alleviated my plight. // a call from a ghost, taunted me the most.

parasites of confusion, try to take host //

yet i still want to stay, simply can’t keep away. see the smile in his eye, you’ll understand why. //

anger& stone, an empty car ride alone. with shattered pieces, can love still be known? i don’t want to accept, that our feelings are outgrown

can’t be my home, if he prefers to roam. but i keep coming back, he is my crack

in awe & terror, possible margins of error.blind me in ways, fog up my gaze. the tears that fall, pain me for days.

still i am here, and yes, it feels queer. his invitation on a whim, i lay next to him my feet, cold. they clammer, it’s dim

roses have their thorns, messages from the unborn. i eat the sweet bread, see visions of the dead. sacrament. new hope. a reason to tread

though not gone yet, please don’t let me bet. i’ll always remember, the first moments we met

broken & hollow fleeting internet follows // my red bedroom walls, these urges to wallow //

uncertainty abound, is all i’ve really found

love somehow remains

& is the direction i’ll follow