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more vent below the cut, see warnings
The passive suicidal ideation that comes with having a physical disability is hard. I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels this way. I grew up with an ever-increasing pain tolerance due to my condition to the point where ripping nails from my nailbeds became Just One of My Habits, because it hurt less than my condition, and having my nailbed be deformed anyways before that habit formed certainly didn't help. I was the kid who always tried in sports, even if I was never athletic. I was the kid who got an A's, even when going to school was exhausting and painful and, to be honest, I was and still am really convinced that my inherent worth is attributed to what work I can produce. In all the jobs I've worked, I've done what I could, even if it wasn't...Enough. In moment like these, where my head is clouded with exhaustion and I lay in bed, in too much pain to do anything but tap my achey and tingly fingers on a keyboard as every movement sends sharp stinging pain up and down my entire arm region and drips down into my torso, and I have to get all my work done, but I can't. Think. I can't. Move. I feel like I'm an old cat, just waiting to die, except I'm a young adult human being who just wants the pain to be over. It'll never be over. This isn't to say I'm actively suicidal. I'm not- At least not anymore. Just living in a body that is in agony all the time gets hard. Really hard. And I start to wonder and think about how good I would feel if I could just slip into a sleep and not have to wake up to the pain, and the exhaustion, and the lack of limb functionality, and the fainting, and the falling, and the humiliation, and the shame- And I sometimes wish I could die, before everyone realizes how much of a disappointment I am because of this. I can't work up to the same par as everybody else can, even though I manage to get everything done up to a very good quality, it take some about 4x longer to do it compared to an able-bodied person. oinfdgionfdnndndnnnfvfn