Curate, connect, and discover
Author’s Note: Please be safe, this story includes mentions of Self Harm, blood and possible depression.
Please do not read if any of those topics are upsetting or triggering <3
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You promised yourself you wouldn't do this anymore
You promised. But yet, you couldn't stop yourself. One moment you were brushing your teeth and getting ready for bed and the next you were reaching into the all too familiar tin in the back of the bathroom cabinet. You stopped yourself for a second; what would you say if anyone saw you right now? They'd probably ask you why.
Why? You didn't know. It was just.. Something you did sometimes. You just needed the slicing pain to know you could still feel pain. Almost as if you needed to remember there wasn't just happiness in life. But no, that wasn't it. It was because you felt deep down that you didn't deserve the happiness. You took out one of the thin razor blades and placed it against your thigh, just high enough to be unnoticeable unless you were naked. You took a deep breath, closed your eyes and sliced. You hissed and went in again, slightly higher this time. Two was enough, you told yourself. You rinsed the blade and placed it back in the tin, tucking it away back in the cabinet. Just as you were grabbing a cloth to clean up the thin lines, now with beads of blood popping up and trailing down, you heard a knock at the door. "Honey, you've been in there for a while," You heard Saeyoung say through the bathroom door. "Are you getting dressed all nice just to sleep? Or did you have something else in mind?" He was teasing. "Oh, um no I-I'm okay. I'm just... Cleaning up." You stammered, trying to stop the bleeding, but the beads kept returning. "...I'm going to come in, is that okay?" He said, a serious tone in his voice. "Um, just-" You tried to say, holding the cloth under cold water, trying to wash off the blood and use the cold to stop the bleeding. You looked over at the door, noticing you forgot to lock it. Just as you were about to reach for the knob, the door slowly swung open. Guiltily, you pulled up your pajama bottoms and held the cloth behind your back. "Hi." You said, cheeks flushed and hands behind your back. You were sure you looked guilty, but you still tried to act normal. "Honey, what happened? Are you okay?" He said, cupping a warm hand against your cheek. "Um I..." You started. He kissed your forehead, and seemed to spot the cloth behind your back. "MC," He said, gently reaching for the cloth. He rarely ever called you by your name, only reserved for serious conversations. You didn't fight him, and handed it over. "What happened?" He was calm, but you could tell in his eyes that he was worried. "I... I'm sorry." Was all you could muster. You started tearing up. "I'm so sorry, Sae." "Hey. Come here." He wrapped you in a hug. You laid your head on his chest and could hear his heart drumming away in his chest while his shirt was getting more and more wet with your tears. He tossed the cloth in the sink and held you, both tightly and gently. "I'm sorry. I wasn't going to do it, but it was habit, and- And I just wasn't strong enough not to. I'm so sorry." You sobbed, grabbing the back of his shirt. He could figure it out from your ramblings what had happened. "It's okay honey, you're okay." He stroked your hair, and slightly rocked side to side, holding you close. "Do you need to be cleaned up?" "I don't know, that's what I was doing when you came in but..." You said, sniffling and trying to calm down. "Okay, hold on for a second," He bent down, and lifted you up, placing you gently on the small counter behind you. He placed a soft kiss on your lips, and tucked your hair behind your ear. "While I clean you up can we talk for a bit?" He talked quietly. "Yeah." You said, taking a deep breath. "Okay, where is it?" You wiggled your bottoms down, so he could see the- still bleeding- cuts. You turned away, ashamed at the wounds. "So," He started, grabbing the cloth and wringing it out so it was only damp. "What happened, My Love?" "I just felt a random urge and I figured I'd done it before without getting caught... I told myself just this once and then never again." You said, turning your head to look at him. He gently wiped the cuts and the blood around them. "Tell me if I'm hurting you, okay?" He said, rinsing the cloth and wiping your legs again. "Okay...” He nodded, urging you to continue.
“Anyways, I figured I needed to." You closed your eyes, not able to meet his. "You needed to? Why did you need to, baby?" "I needed to remind myself that there's more than just happiness in life." You felt ashamed to admit it, feeling your eyes filling again. "Can you look at me for a second?" He said, placing the cloth over both wounds and pressing it firmly. You opened your eyes, and tried to blink away your tears. "You're right. There are things other than happiness and love in life." He smiled, bitter-sweetly. "But that doesn't mean you have to feel all of it. I told you before and I'll say it again, I don't ever want to let you be in pain. Especially not because of me. When we first met, you told me that you wouldn't be in danger because of me. Do you remember that?" You nodded. "So, I don't want you to feel like the love that I give you needs to be evened out with pain, okay?" He kissed your cheek and wiped your tears. "Okay." He picked the cloth up off of your leg and grabbed bandages from the cabinet. You spotted the tin at the same time he did. You looked away in shame. You heard the rattling of the tin and the small bandage box. You looked back at him, his hands holding only the bandage box. He carefully unwrapped a few and gently placed hem on your leg. You noticed his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth, as he always does when he's focusing. After he placed the bandages, he lightly fluttered kisses around your wounds. When he placed the box back in the cabinet you noticed the tin was gone, but you didn't see where he'd moved it to. He helped you pull your bottoms back up and wriggle off the counter. "Are you feeling better?" He said, lifting you in his arms. You wrapped your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist. Nuzzling your head in the crook of his neck, you nodded. "Good." He carried you back to your shared room and placed you carefully on the bed. "I'll be right back, okay?" He said, kissing your forehead and stepping away from the bed. You almost asked him what he was going to do or begged him to stay next to you. But you were too tired to press, and you figured you knew what he was doing anyway from the way his pocket rattled. You could just wait for him with your eyes shut. After a few minutes, you stirred back awake to feel the bed dip. "Sorry to wake you up." He said softly. You just turned to face him and nuzzled in closer. "S'Okay." You hummed. "I love..Sae.." You said, drifting back to sleep. "I love you too, Honey."