So Many Tears - Blog Posts

"Don't cry," He whispered to the broken girl beside him on the ground, "you have me."

The girl choked on her own tears. Blood splattered on the dusty dirt ground below them. It was only them left.

"Now... Now the war is over," She wiped her tears away, "when my friends are all dead. And I'm still here."

- Dreaming of Wolves//Story Excerpt

pissing, shitting, crying, throwing up, all of the above

Travelin' Sailor | Robert "Bob" Floyd

Description: A fic based on the song Travelin' Soldier except it's the happy ending that it should have been

Content: Sad/Lonely!Bob for a minute, less than ideal family dynamics (Bob has mommy issues low key), friends that aren’t supportive, a love at first sight so quick it’s unreal, wrong info about the navy, probably wrong timing of how long it takes to receive a letter from cross country on a naval base, happy ending I promise

The absolute biggest thanks to @hederasgarden for being my beta on this and being incredibly patient with me never wanting to end a sentence properly. Another thank you to the top gun gang discord for encouraging me to write (and post) again, so much love for y'all.

You could always tell when spring was turning to summer despite the dates on the calendar. The humidity had begun to hang around, the sun set later, and those that came in on lunch break used more napkins to wipe their sweat. You found yourself fanning your warm skin in between running food in the family owned diner you worked in when your coworker, Melissa, asked you to cover her section while she took a quick break. It was nearing the end of the day and the dinner rush had begun to die down, so you accepted. 

A few minutes later, you spotted a tall man with dirty blond hair, outdated wire-framed glasses, and a green jumpsuit making his way across the small dining room to sit at the high top bar. It wasn’t unusual to see men from your small Tennessee town in uniform, many of them took any opportunity to get out just as you were planning yourself. However, most of them were surrounded by loved ones right before deployment. He sat alone, placing his duffel bag on the seat next to him and resting his arms on the counter. As you made your way over to him, you found yourself wondering how someone could be alone at such a time. He had a baby face, but he couldn’t have been much older than you. 

“Can I start you off with something to drink?” you asked with a kind smile, feeling sympathetic. 

“Not really hungry, ma’am. I could use some company though,” the blond man uttered in a quiet voice, as he glanced up only long enough to get a quick look at you. 

“Well, I’m afraid I’m not off for another hour, but if you want to wait until then you’re more than welcome to…Lieutenant Robert Floyd,” you said, reading the patch on his chest as you leaned down and rested your elbows on the bartop in an attempt to see his face better.  He looked down at his fidgeting hands, a deep red forming on his neck as he replied, “That’s fine, I have a few hours until I need to be in Memphis anyways.”

Despite what he said, you still put in an order of fries and got him a fresh cup of iced water. He graciously accepted and you spent the rest of your shift finishing with the few tables you had left, grateful it was a weekday and you didn’t have anyone coming in at the last minute. Throughout clearing tables, grabbing your tips, and beginning to sweep, you felt his eyes on you. Looking up, you had caught the man at the counter looking away as quickly as possible, creating a small smile on your face. As you rounded the corner from the kitchen with your purse and removed your apron, you found him rummaging through his bag.

“Ready to go?” you asked, shaking your hair out from the bow you used to tie it back.

“Um, yeah, I just need to find my wallet to pay for my food,” he stated, not removing his eyes from his duffel as he pushed his hands through the side pockets.

“Don’t worry about it Floyd, consider it a thank you for all that you do,” you said, grabbing his plate and taking it back to the kitchen. You found him shifting in his seat, obviously uncomfortable. “Or you can get me next time”.

He relaxed slightly, grabbing his duffel and watching as you came out from behind the bar to meet him. It wasn’t until he was standing next to you that you realized how tall he really was. You grabbed his arm, wishing Melissa a good night and walked through the front door. Starting your walk down the street, you noticed the hot sun finally beginning to set beyond the trees. 

“My name-, he started.

“So, are you,” you began, realizing you had spoken in unisom. “You first.”

“I was, uh, I was just going to say everyone calls me Bob,” he stated, motioning to the patch on his chest.

“Ok, Bob, I was just asking if you were from this area, think I would remember someone like you,” you inquired, watching a small smile, the first you’d seen him crack, appear on his face. 

“No, m’am, I was born and raised just outside of Knoxville, one blinking stoplight, one bar. Seems like you might know the type.” He let out a chuckle as he looked around the small main street you’ve been taking him down for the past few minutes.

Shortly after, the two of you arrived at a small wooden dock overlooking a pond that had begun to look green with lily pads. You sat your bag on the picnic table and walked down the rickety dock, making careful steps to avoid the weaker spots. Looking over your shoulder as you sat, you spotted Bob cautiously trying to follow your steps. You felt the dock shake slightly the closer he got to where you were seated, feet dangling inches above the water. He sat next to you, pulling his legs under him to avoid getting his boots wet. After a few moments of silence he spoke up.

“Miss, I need to be honest here. I know you probably have a boyfriend and I’m just a stranger, but I got no one back home. I remember during basic, they would pass the letters from loved ones out and I would just sit there. Having to would watch everyone read how much they were missed back home and I would just hope that maybe,” he cleared his throat. “Maybe next time, I’d have someone missing me. Yet here I am, headed to base for the next few months with no one. If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, I’d like to send a letter back here to you.”

You watched him lift his head, his blue eyes meeting yours for the first time. Your heart ached, wondering how a man with so much love could have no one to send a letter home to. 

“Who said I have a boyfriend?” You asked, keeping eye contact as long as he allowed.

“I guess I just assumed a girl like you would have men asking left and right for at least a dance,” Bob said in a voice so quiet, it was barely heard over the sound of the cicadas. 

“Well then, it may come as a surprise to you that I do not have a boyfriend and I have far less men asking me for a dance than you’d expect. Zero to be exact,” you trailed off, suddenly embarrassed by the admission. “But, I really would enjoy receiving a letter from you, Bob”

He smiled at you, “Tell me about yourself“

The two of you spent the next few hours talking about your hometowns, his time training, and even what he could about the next few months. When the time finally came for him to make his way back to town to catch his ride, the sun had set and the air had become cool again.

You walked him back into town, sharing a comfortable silence. Reaching where you had parked, you found yourself filled with dread at the idea of him leaving. You finally met a man your age with a good head on his shoulders, and he was hours away from being shipped across the country from you. Trying not to be bitter in your last moments together, you looked up at him with the best fake smile you could muster. Despite knowing him for only four hours at this point your conversations felt so natural and you hoped that he’d felt the same.

“I wanna thank you for today,” he started, looking down at his hands as you leaned against your car. “Having someone to be with before being sent away made today less dreary…” he trailed off, looking back at your face, and studying your reaction. Although you would never understand what he was feeling now, you couldn’t imagine the loneliness that came from not having anyone to come home to after months away. 

“The pleasure was all mine, never met a navy pilot before.” You smirked, watching him open his mouth in protest. “Sorry, forgot you’re ‘just a WSO’. I can’t believe you thought being the person in charge of dropping bombs from an airplane was lame. I never wanna hear that again, got it?”

He looked at you confused for a moment. “Again?”

“Well, I’m not going to write these letters and pay postage for a man I don’t plan on seeing again. Plus, you owe me for the fries.” You replied, watching his face redden as he pushed his glasses back up.

“You'll wait for me?’ He asked, making sure he was reading you correctly.

“As long as I keep getting replies to my letters.” You reached up, wrapping your arms around his neck to embrace him and hoped he couldn’t hear the way your heart was beating out of your chest. After a moment, you pulled away, taking one last look into his eyes as a truck pulled up. As it slowed to where you both stood, you noticed a man in a similar uniform sat in the driver’s seat. Bob took a step back, eyes staying locked on yours as he opened the door and climbed in. You broke contact first, hand rummaging through your purse at your side as you took two steps forward, now standing on the edge of the curb. Your hand hit silk and you pulled the ribbon out quickly.

“Something to remind you to come back,” you said, reaching through the rolled down window, and tying it onto his duffel bag. You knew he’d have to find somewhere else to keep it once he got to base, but for the time being, it would be tied in a bow on the top strap.

You stood still, watching the truck drive away until it turned down a street out of sight. You walked slowly, feet dragging along the pavement to your car. You took a few moments of silence to consider the events of today before you turned the key and made your way home, drafting what you wanted to include in your first letter.

—--------------

The first month went by fast, school was out for the summer which meant there were more teenagers at the restaurant and more time you spent working. The times you weren’t, you spent in thought about Lt. Robert Floyd. Your friends took notice of how often you spent staring off and despite your best efforts to explain the connection, everyone brushed it off as a simple school girl crush over a man in a uniform. At first you were frustrated having to explain how in a few short hours and two letters with military postage, you felt you knew him forever. As the months would go on, the comments from your friends had become less frequent. You didn’t know if it was from them beginning to understand or them growing bored of the same jokes, but it didn’t matter.  The third letter you’d received at the very end of the month had a new return address– San Diego. You felt your heart ache as he was now across the country. 

By the second month, you built a routine of sorts. The main part included going into work before the sun rose to distract yourself and avoid worrying about how he was. Some days you felt silly, stressing over a man that was too busy doing tasks of actual importance to worry about some girl he met once at a small diner in a map dot town. Other days, you worried about his safety. You would attempt to reassure yourself with the thought that he knew what he was doing, but his pilot? You had no idea who they were. Did they have someone to come home to? Did they care about the safety of their WSO in the backseat? You wondered if the man that drove him to base was his pilot. 

The days new letters came were your favorite. No matter how soon the last letter had come in, everyday you’d run to the mailbox hoping to find a white envelope with clear, neat handwriting addressed to you. On days you did, you’d drop your bag on the floor of the hallway and hurry to sit and read every word of his surprisingly tidy cursive. After the third read you’d carefully fold it back up exactly as it was and hold it to your chest, sighing deeply. Any chores you’d saved for after work were abandoned in order to get your reply out as soon as possible. 

The third month was hard, nothing you did could distract you from your thoughts. Everywhere you looked there were banners and flags in celebration of those who serve. The local VFW hall was handing out small flags with tags that included names of local veterans or those currently serving. Your friends humored you by tagging along when you placed one in the ground, a small label that read, Lieutenant Robert “BOB” Floyd US Navy, WSO.You spent the Fourth of July watching fireworks with your loved ones, hoping next year he could be beside you on the small blanket. After the holiday passed, you went back to the VFW hall and grabbed the small flag to show Bob when he returned. 

The fourth month brought a lot of doubt from those around you, especially your friends. You were young and they felt you should be out having fun, not waiting by your mailbox hoping for a letter from your favorite sailor. You had shared your frustrations with Melissa and some of the regulars at work, but they encouraged you to ignore what those around you had to say. The older crowd at work especially loved what you were doing, believing it was romantic and a true test of commitment.

At the beginning of the fifth month, you had grown anxious. It had been almost a month since you heard anything from him. The prior letter was short and explained, without giving details, that training was going to be more rigorous to help prepare them for something that had come up. This meant that he wouldn’t be able to write much. In your reply to him you wrote you understood the situation and told him he needed to focus on training. The letters could wait if they needed to, you wanted him to have a clear mind in the sky. That was twenty six days ago. Worried thoughts had begun to take up space in your mind with each day that passed. You wondered if his plane was shot down or if there was a malfunction in equipment during training. In the back of your mind you selfishly wondered if he had grown bored of this game the two of you had been playing. 

After one exceptionally long day you raced home to check your mailbox and this time, there was a letter. In his handwriting, your full name and address were on the front. Tears welled up in your eyes out of relief and you couldn’t wait to open it inside. As you sat in your car, you carefully opened the envelope and saw it contained more pages than he had ever written. Each sentence cleared any doubt you had about him coming back to you.

The first page was strictly apologies. One for the late reply and making you wait for him, the other for not being able to fill you in. In the second page, he went on to explain that he had been selected for a mission that was ‘complicated’, as he described it. He figured it was easier to sugar coat it than worry you that his admiral called it a suicide mission. But somehow, against all odds, everyone made it back on the carrier.

Bob shared more about his family next, he explained that he was raised by a single mother that worked nights and overtime to support them. This led to him joining the navy right out of high school after researching the benefits they could receive. He wanted to step up and help provide a better life for the both of them. He even wrote how he watched her heart break when she found the papers in his bedroom. Instead of beaming with pride as he expected, she was furious, wondering how he could put himself into such a dangerous situation willingly. It’s been nearly four years since they’ve spoken. The fear of losing him in a tragic accident was too great and she couldn’t take anymore heartbreak.

Your cheeks had become damp with tears, but you continued to read. As he would tell you later, you had become the first person Bob ever admitted feeling scared to. He would never tell anyone else, but sometimes the lack of control in the backseat made his hands sweat. This was immediately followed by how in those times of fear the past five months, he would take a deep breath and imagine you. Specifically how you looked dipping the tips of your shoes into the pond with a smile on your face, a pale pink haze from the sunset surrounding you. Your letters  motivated him to stay focused and do whatever he needed to do in order to come back for you. Afterall, he owed you fries, and he could never turn back on that. 

You sat in your car until long after the sun had set and the cool breeze coming in the windows helped to dry your tear stained cheeks. You held the letter against your chest like all the times before, but this time it wasn’t just to feel close to him, it was to make sure that you weren’t dreaming. You wanted to be sure that the pages where he had poured his heart out to you were real. You tried to imagine him writing the letter, probably on a bunk too small for his height. Maybe it was late at night after everyone else had fallen asleep. Above all, you wondered if he felt the same butterflies writing it as you did reading it. The thought alone left you with a giddy smile as you walked into the house. 

Three weeks had passed since that day and you still reread parts of the letter daily. Specifically, the final paragraph where he’d promised to come back. You’d gotten a few letters since, one that had come the next day apologizing for dumping a lot on you. He hoped it hadn’t scared you off, but if it did, he understood. At the end of it he told you that they were starting to wrap up this deployment and while it could still take another month until he was back, the end was within reach. After receiving it you woke up everyday excited to see if today was the day. However, you didn’t feel disappointed when you returned home alone because that meant you were one day closer.

On the last Saturday of the fifth month, you arrived at work early in anticipation of a busy day. There was a lot that needed to be done and you didn’t want to be working on it while the breakfast rush was coming in. As expected, the diner filled up within an hour of being open and remained busy for most of the day. Thankful for the fall weather that had begun to come in, you opened the windows in the late afternoon to get some fresh air before remaking the coffee. With your back still turned to the door you heard the familiar chime of the bell alerting you to someone arriving.

“I’ll seat you in just a second!” You called out, focused on pouring fresh water into the coffee pot.

“That’s alright ma'am, I think I’ll sit at the counter if that’s alright. Just here for some fries,” a timid voice replied. 

You turned around to greet the man and there he stood, Lieutenant Robert Floyd in the same green flight suit you met him in nearly six months ago. He had a slight tan from the west coast sun and he looked tired, but it was him. You stared in disbelief, wondering if your eyes were playing tricks on you.

It took one of your favorite regulars yelling out, “Well honey, don’t just stand there, welcome the sailor home!” to snap you out of your trance.

You don’t remember where the mug you were holding went, all you could focus on was taking the five large steps across the outdated tile to be standing in front of him. Bob met you halfway and pulled you into a tight hug, his hand holding the back of your neck. You nuzzled your head into his shoulder and inhaled, trying to memorize the way this moment felt in every sense. The silence that had fallen over the diner was gradually replaced with the regular sounds of the dinner rush, but you don’t hear any of it. The only thing you could focus on was his heart beating, the sound grounding you to him. After a few moments, you removed your head from its spot and looked into his eyes. His watery blue eyes meet yours as the tears that had been collecting begin to descend down your cheeks. 

“Hey, hey, hey, no tears okay? I’m here, plus I brought something back for you,” he said as he moved his thumbs from the side of your face to wipe your tears. One hand unzipped the flight suit and the other reached into the breast pocket, pulling out the same silk ribbon you had given him. You were surprised at the condition. It was perfectly intact. He reached around your shoulders to tie your hair back with it, similar to how it was when he first got a glimpse of you. As you opened your mouth to ask how he kept it so nice, Melissa called out, “Alright kids, outta here, I’ll close up tonight.”

Before you could protest, Bob had your hand in his and was pulling you outside to where his truck was parked. As you reached the door he turned you, pressing your back against the warm metal and leaning down close, trying to judge your reaction. With a subtle nod, he closed the gap between the two of you for the first time. His lips were soft and you reached up to grab at the back of his neck..

He pulled away first. “It’s nice to have someone to come home to.”

Tagging: @skvatnavle @a-reader-and-a-writer @callsign-phoenix @wildbornsiren @hederasgarden