Whatever You Say Morbidica Dear - Blog Posts

I love being alone most of the time. It's the only state of being I know of how to be. Like a concrete flower. There, but not noticed, or acknowledged. Crying alone when nobody else is awake or around. Never having space to myself. Everybody wants to be involved now for themselves. I'm just tired, really. Tired of never feeling like I can achieve a deep emotional connection to anybody, or being completely myself because of things I can not help. It's just something too far out of my reach. I have to just accept my role of being the called upon one, who nurtures and cares for somebody, and being ditched when the person they really want comes back, but still being there. It's my birthright. My curse of life.

🙃

When I was a kid I was “darn I just love when female characters pretend to be dudes for whatever reason” and the reason will not shock you in the slightest

A part of me is ready to just end it all. My father has decided to just worm his way back into my life, now suddenly wanting to be a father suddenly now that his marriage has fallen apart. He's just like my mom. They act like I'm an idiot, incapable, just to be talked over and have people do things for me, then get mad when I don't know it. They talk about me living with them forever, not want me to go anywhere, make comments about me not being able to stay away from home. They only call me when they want somebody to mother them. I'm too stupid to be on my own or make decisions for myself, but yeah, go ahead and call me to baby you and do what you need me to do, or when you're lonely. Don't respect my boundaries or what I tell you. I guess I'm still 13. 10 years means nothing. Nothing I did meant anything.

Even with friendships, I'm only liked because they're lonely and miss somebody else, I'm a backup. Everything, nobody cares how they've treated me, and still expect me to bend over backwards or drop everything for them. I want to pack up and leave, yet I don't know where to go. There's nowhere to go. I feel like I'm disposable, there to be picked up when needed but on my own the rest. I wish I knew where to go, but I feel out of place everywhere and I'm so emotionally drained. Everybody acts like when I'm anything but fine it's a hassle and I'm dramatic. Idk what I've done but it's just my curse I guess. I should've ended it and stayed in 2014 forever.

I want to forgive you mom, for everything you’ve done, and everything you’ve put me through. Neglect, the emotional abuse you’d give me when you did feel emotional. How you’d use me, like I was no more than those girls in school who everybody use for something, because its all I’ve ever known. Love for me is giving all, and receiving is doing what is wanted of me and never expecting anything in return because I know its not coming, unless I find you in a good mood months down the line, to feel okay with asking, which I’ll feel bad about because your life has always been worse than mine, even though everything that’s happened to me has stemmed from you.

I know you were too young to be my mother, but I’m too young to be yours. I’m too young to be as old as I am now. Too experienced with grief and longing for somebody who’s supposed to be able to bounce back, because I’m simply in the prime of my life. Too sad and callous for somebody who people only ever want around because I’m happy to see you, no matter how long its been and how little you’ve always given me. Because I know, you’re thinking of somebody else when you’re with me. Everybody always has, its the way I was bred.

You think of me when I was little, doll like, who was just full of love, who gave up everything to do what you wanted because I just wanted to be around you. You think of me, good ol’ reliable, the one who was always there to keep you company whenever you decided you wanted me, because you had nowhere else to go on a Friday night and surely because I had just reached double digits, I could watch those romcoms with you because I was starting puberty, I was gonna learn about it soon enough. You thought less of me when I became depressed and had a hard time taking care of myself, and how embarrassing I was to you in our small town because I was open about who I was, and when you forced me into your clothes and made me wear makeup my sensitive skin couldn’t handle because I needed to think about your reputation in town because me being myself was embarrassing to you because I didn’t grow out of being a tomboy, even though you were a tomboy, because we both know it wasn’t me being a tomboy. You didn’t think of me at all when I didn’t give into dressing how you wanted and was gaining weight because of my depression, and you gave up because you had a new family growing with the love of your life, and I was just a byproduct to call and do stuff for you that you needed when you did remember I exist. You only remembered me when you had nobody to call, and since I was fat and ugly, you knew I was free to be there for you, because I loved you. You tortured me, for years. I gave you everything. I lost everything that’s ever mattered to me.

You want us to be better now, yet you still only talk about yourself, or call me when you need me or want to use me, because I’m still fat and ugly, and have no idea how to function in the real world, and I’m scared of being used because people always sniff it out in me. I’m scared that because of how little faith I have in people wanting to be around me just to be around me, that I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life, because people are only around me when I don’t set boundaries, I’m so nonchalant and don’t argue because I’m tired of that being my main social interaction, so I’m always down to do whatever because I’m included, even though I never feel like I’m wanted by the time I’m there because I’m falling short of who it is you’re missing.

I’m just a mother. There to help. To love. To give advice and make you feel better. To take care, even though you don’t listen and know better than me. To be there with you because you’re lonely, and not fighting to do whatever I want to because you don’t like it, but doing what you like because you like it. I don’t cry to people with my emotions because it rarely matters, or I don’t want it to matter because when I tried to make my emotions matter, nobody cared. Wanted to brush past it quickly or just ruining the vibes. Oh well. Who better to mother me than myself? Eve didn’t have a mother, neither do I, I guess.

Cumture

FUCK THE QUEUE IS EMPTY AGAIN

I’m so sorry finals have kept me so fucking busy I can’t even. Like I didn’t even notice

once summer break starts I’ll try to not let this happen as much

I wish I understood why I’m so scared of drawing my old persona/comfort characters as transmasc. I’m an adult…its not shameful anymore. I don’t have to make and force every form of me cis feminine. Its okay if I like it, please just let me be okay to like it. I know why I’m scared, but I’m scared regardless. I’m okay, the way that I am. I can be loved the way I am, just like I love them the way I do. I wish my family loved me for me.

Hello! 💚

My name is Morbidica, and welcome to my blog :)

I made this blog to stem away from all my past blogs and to grow and explore myself, which isn’t something I let myself do, due to embarrassment. But I’m too old for embarrassment now. So here’s to a new era, where I have my own little bubble to grow and see what I’m supposed to be.

Other funfacts:

I am an adult

I am genderfluid (pronouns change without much rhythm, and unless specified on my posts, please use they/them, thank you)

I’m AuDHD

The things I’m always into is clowns, ninja turtles, horror, retrofuturism, muppets, strawberry shortcake, hello kitty. The list will change presumably as I go forward.

I have a special interest in memes. They’re encapsulated in my mind, and there’ll be a meme for about anything said to me. Sorry in advance.