Tw Suicidality - Blog Posts

TW sleep deprivation, derealisation, depersonalisation, hallucinations, suicidal thoughts

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Can we talk about the effects of spending all of your formative years dealing with chronic pain? About what comes with it besides "just" the pain?

I used to routinely go days without sleeping. And I don't mean the way some people say they "didn't sleep at all last night" when actually they did sleep 2 hours. I mean no sleep at all for 3-4 ish days, I'm not sure bc my memories from that time are fuzzy (wonder why). The pain kept me up night after night. And it wasn't until the overwhelming urge to sleep finally won over the pain that I would be able to sleep.

Do you know what happens when you go without sleep for too long?

At first, you're just more tired than usual, it gets harder to concentrate, you get snappy easier. Then it'll feel like everything is too loud or slightly shushed like you're in a bubble, it's hard to focus your eyes properly, the ground and the walls get squiggly. Obviously, the pain you already have gets exponentially worse but also different, heavier.

If you are awake still, you'll start to have micro sleeps. That's when your brain shuts down briefly for a micro second while you're awake bc it fucking needs to sleep. Time feels weird, stretching and shrinking in on itself. It won't feel real. You won't feel real. You'll forget basic shit like your own name.

It varies from person to person how long you have to go without sleep before the visual and auditory hallucinations start. But if you're awake for long enough, they will start. Whispers of your name when you're alone, songs playing when there's no music on, shadow people in your peripheral vision.

Maybe you'll think about killing yourself just to make it stop. Maybe you don't even think killing yourself would mean death, but instead you belive you'll wake up and everything will be back to normal. Your ability to reason, to think logically will twist.

Eventually, the urge to sleep will be greater than the pain and finally you will get to rest.

I understand all too well why sleep deprivation is used as torture.

In what universe does experiencing this countless of times when you're a literal teenager not affect you when you're an adult. Even when it doesn't happen anymore bc of semi proper pain management and meds to sleep. It haunts me. Still.

I've gone through today just feeling so bored I want to stab myself to death because it'd be less boring. Maybe.

Please please please I just want to fucking kill myself so badly I want to bash my head against a wall until I die

last night my dad told me that i shouldn’t be worrying about current events because there’s nothing i can do about anything.

this morning my mom told me that yes she knows that all of this terrible stuff going on affects me directly but i can’t let it get me down.

and then they literally ask me why i want to kill myself why i want to move out so bad why i am always so distant to them.

Listen up!

You see a post like this? Where OP might hurt/kill themselves? You hit that button that I circled

Hit that.

Click Suicide or Self-harm Concern

Yes.

Fill in the rest of it, and hit submit. The "content you reported" will fill itself in

Tumblr will follow up and help them.

Warning: this is only for mobile. If anyone knows how to do this for desktop, please add it!

This could SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.

YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE NOT TO REBLOG THIS.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF IT DOESN'T GO WITH YOUR BLOG'S THEME.

And yes, REBLOG. Liking does no shit at all. This isn't ig.

You reblog, people see it. You don't, people don't see it. This shit's that simple.

This could save someone's life. It's not a joke.

A part of me is ready to just end it all. My father has decided to just worm his way back into my life, now suddenly wanting to be a father suddenly now that his marriage has fallen apart. He's just like my mom. They act like I'm an idiot, incapable, just to be talked over and have people do things for me, then get mad when I don't know it. They talk about me living with them forever, not want me to go anywhere, make comments about me not being able to stay away from home. They only call me when they want somebody to mother them. I'm too stupid to be on my own or make decisions for myself, but yeah, go ahead and call me to baby you and do what you need me to do, or when you're lonely. Don't respect my boundaries or what I tell you. I guess I'm still 13. 10 years means nothing. Nothing I did meant anything.

Even with friendships, I'm only liked because they're lonely and miss somebody else, I'm a backup. Everything, nobody cares how they've treated me, and still expect me to bend over backwards or drop everything for them. I want to pack up and leave, yet I don't know where to go. There's nowhere to go. I feel like I'm disposable, there to be picked up when needed but on my own the rest. I wish I knew where to go, but I feel out of place everywhere and I'm so emotionally drained. Everybody acts like when I'm anything but fine it's a hassle and I'm dramatic. Idk what I've done but it's just my curse I guess. I should've ended it and stayed in 2014 forever.