"I Can't Support You When You're Killing My Daughter"

Okay but can we talk about how much amnesia sucks? As a system we don’t have a lot of in the moment Black outs. We have some grey outs and a lot of emotional amnesia, but we don’t fade in and out of consciousness. At least not that we remember.

What we do struggle with is remembering past events. Even as far back as a week or two ago we have black spots that we can’t even remember that we don’t remember. Friends will tell me something happened and I just have to go with it even though I have absolutely no clue what their talking about.

I apparently beat my bf at a board game a few weeks ago and he brought it out again for us to play. I didn’t recognize it all. My first reaction was:

“Oh that looks like a fun game,”

Because I had zero recollection of ever playing it or even seeing it. My bf looked me dead in the face and asked if I was serious because it had only been a few weeks since I destroyed him at it.

There are so many good memories that I’m missing because of my disorder. So many moments that are lost to me and without me even realizing that they aren’t there.

This is one of the darker parts of the disorder that I don’t see talked about a lot. Missing time with loved ones so you don’t remember the trauma.

There are good things that have come from my system and headmates. But let’s not invalidate the pain that comes from not remembering your past.

Had a huge fight with our parents yesterday and havnt really seen them since we switched out in the middle of it and had to tell them that we aren’t their child but one of their alters, only to be met with ablism and apathy.

Like, we’ve brought up to them that we have alters before, we’ve tried to explain it to them, then we just let them believe we got over it so they’d leave us alone. And this is why, because they don’t understand and believe they know better about their child then their literal child and their therapist. It’s fricking annoying as hell.

We’ve been in really depressed all morning and need to eat lunch but don’t have the courage to leave our room.

-the color spectrum

I hate this body that I am chained to. This life I live and name I must react to. I hate the way our jaw clicks when we chew, I hate that I have the wrong genitalia, I hate that I am now three inches too short I hate that our feet hurt after standing for all of a minute, I hate these eyes that stare at me with no sense of recognition, I hate that my hair is so much darker than it should be, I hate how unpointed my ears are, I hate how uncrooked my nose is, I hate my lack of scars that I used to carry with pride, where is my reminder to keep fighting?

I hate the reflection that looks nothing like me any more. I wish I could just go back

-Hunter.

Day 6: Problematic Alter

So here’s the thing. I feel like calling an alter ‘problematic’ is not a great way to communicate with your system. Anything they are doing is almost certainly a coping mechanism brought on by trauma. Does that means it’s always healthy? Absolutely not. But that doesn’t mean they’re doing it to harm the system, even if that’s what happens sometimes. Labeling an alter as ‘problematic’, to us at least, has the same kind of feel as labeling them as ‘the evil alter’ it’s not a great feeling. It often alienates them and a lot of times makes them feel unwanted, you are literally attaching the word ‘problem’ to their identity. How would that make you feel?

And this is not to say that alters don’t do things that can harm the system, or their relationships with others. It’s just to say that EVERYONE should have their own side heard before a conclusion is made. And understanding why an action was taken isn’t going to make the action okay. But it will help you empathize with the person who did it and give you insight on the help they need, as opposed to ridiculing them for what they have learned they need to do to survive.

Labeling an alter as ‘problematic’ is many times a fantastic way to distance them from the system and make them not want to talk to you. Honestly, would you want to sit down and have a conversation with your parents, for instance, if they told all their friends you were the ‘problematic child’? Probably not. That doesn’t mean you were never a pain, or that you never acted up, it’s just not healthy to attach that word to a persons identity.

All this to say, can we not label alters like this? They aren’t just characters for you to talk about and headcannon and label, and doing so isn’t really in the sake of progress. If you have an issue with something your alter is doing a good first step is to try to understand why they do it.

-Angelo/Apollo

Systober I guess?

Apparently there’s a systober thing going on??? I’m gonna use it as a prompt for text posts each day (might draw some stuff, who knows) and we’ll see how far we can get into it and how many days we just forget. I’ll post the photo of the prompt list below. Credit to @persmo for the list.

Update: I should be getting my meds on Monday, my new psychiatrist/therapist refilled them for us so yay!

The body is going through some really severe medication withdrawal due to a mixup with our psychiatrist resulting in us not having a refill of our medication. It’s messing with our circulation, our head, and our mood.

And oh my gosh my mood is so fucked up rn.

If I’m alone I burst into tears over the smallest shit. To the point where I was crying cause I wasn’t falling asleep as fast as I wanted or started yelling at my car cause the door wouldn’t stay open when I was parked on a slope. I have to stay around someone who can distract me so I’m not crying. Which sucks cause I’m at work. And cant just leave to go hang out with friends.

I’m so tired. Really need to figure out this medication situation.

“Be your true self”

Bitch my true self arrived in over 30 pieces and the directions are in a language I don’t recognize.

We let a little come out last night in front of our best friend and boyfriend, it was the first time we had a little in the front without a caretaker confronting and without them masking.

Let me just say. Both my friend and my boyfriend were amazing at taking care of her. They explained things and made her laugh. They were very patient even though none of us knew it was going to happen.

I wish everyone had as amazing and supportive people in their life as I do. People who won’t judge or belittle you when you start acting like an 8 year old, but instead will teach them how to cross their eyes and give them a taste of their soda and explain things like growing up to an alter that is scared to get older.

Thank you guys for everything. I hope I never lose you.

-Apollo

Had our first therapy session this morning with an actual trauma informed therapist/physiatrist. And she made a few very good points.

The main one being, it doesn’t matter what label your symptoms fall under. While yes getting a diagnosis can be very beneficial in helping you understand what steps can be taken, it is not required in order for you to be valid. If you are not CONSCIOUSLY putting on a show of having a disorder for attention then these symptoms are real to you. They affect you don’t they?

If you are in physical pain it doesn’t matter if there’s a physiological reason like a broken bone or if it’s a misfire in your brain. It’s still painful. And you would never tell someone in pain that it’s not real because you can’t see the problem. So why would you tell yourself that.

No one can take away your validity, you are in total control of whether you belive in yourself. Other people can do their best to invalidate you and influence your confidence, but it only if you let them will they have any success.

And I know it might sound a bit hypocritical because I didn’t feel valid until my therapist told me I was this morning. This is as much a lesson I need to learn as it is for you. I just hope as many people as possible can hear this and start to do something about it for themselves.

Other than that, have a goodnight.

-Apollo

This, but for every mental illness. Self diagnosing can be really helpful and when backed with proper research I have very little problem with it. If you feel that ceritain terms help you understand something, go for it, those terms aren’t only there for people who are in a position where they can get a diagnosis. They are also there for those questioning and trying to understand who they are.

I personally start to have a problem when people use terms incorrectly and spread misinformation using them (shout out to the majority of the endo community)

It’s like someone with a hoarding disorder telling people it’s because they’re autistic. Both of these things can be issues separately and should both have support, but they are two entirely different things. Claiming you are one thing without doing the proper research can very easily spread discourse and misinformation.

Spreading misinformation can be detrimental to someone trying to understand themselves or anyone trying to understand someone in the community.

And spreading discourse is a great way to further divide a community like this one that is already rocky.

I’m fine with people self diagnosing in certain situations with proper research. Getting an actual diagnosis just isn’t possible for a lot of people and it can be really difficult to live your life not fully accepting that something is happening, or not being able to explain your symptoms properly because you don’t feel those terms are for you.

-stay safe and well, Apollo

In my autism evaluation today, my evaluator said "whether or not we can give you an on-the-books diagnosis, you do have autistic traits. I would never want to take away language that has helped you find a supportive community or skills and tools that help you navigate the world. Don't use the diagnosis as the be-all end-all measure of your validity."

No longer masking near as hard, they managed to get it out of me that I wasn’t the host. Still pretending to be okay though.

The host’s boyfriend is kinda aggressive to me because he wants his gf back, so, I’m going to just leave him alone.

On the one hand I understand.

But on the other it’s not cool.

-renfield

I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.

And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.

Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.

This is my life at the moment.

-renfield