How Are These Lyrics About FNAF 4 Relatable To (my) Current Trans Experience????

Starting a diary series! I'm starting today hope I stick with it lol

Diary Entry #21

This one is very angry and talking about transphobes (and also a brief mention of sui attempts/sh) so... i don't know here's your warning

I don't know why I'm so nice to my grandparents. Even in the letter I'm going to give to them when I move out I can't help but to let myself be a rug for everyone in my life.

I got my grandma a refurbished new phone. I got my grandpa very nice stuff too. I'm constantly being nice to them. Every time I'm nice to them a part of me reminds myself that these people abandoned the real me for being trans, essentially. They shut me down every single fucking time I try to tell them "THIS IS KILLING ME PLEASE GOD HELP."

There's nothing I could ever say to even let me do something simple like cutting my hair. They're too prideful, too concerned with their reputations.

They love deadname, they love her very much, but they despise August and wish that the true me would go away. But it won't, because of course it won't, because it's who I am. They would rather let me mutilate myself and try to kms than maybe, MAYBE listening to me.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just killed myself. I can't die a girl, but I have no idea what else would make them listen. And even then, they can console themselves with the false notion that they tried to save me. But it wouldn't be true, and we would've both known that.

They are nice 95% of the time but the ugliness of their ideologies shine through sometimes and disgusts me, and then I hate myself for being so stupid and thinking that they care. They care, but only in the sense that they care about deadname and not me. They couldn't even handle me when i thought I was a lesbian, what the fuck did I expect?

I keep on deluding myself that if I just say the right thing, if I try hard enough, if I'm agreeable enough, maybe they'd listen. But I know this isn't true, no matter how much I'd like it to be. I wish they were cruel more often, as awful as it sounds, so I had some leg to stand on, to not constantly doubt myself.

Every family member I've ever had has hates trans people, my aunts, uncles, father, grandmother/fathers, my cousins, everyone hates trans people. I don't know what we could've possibly done wrong to garner this horrible hatred.

I'm paranoid to come out to my coworkers because what if there's a transphobe among them and they report me? What then? I need to tell someone but there's no one to tell and it's tearing me apart from the inside.

I look at people on the street, at work, etc. and I know that statistically a lot of them hate me based on who I am. It's a terrible life to live, I don't want it but I have to. There's no one to help.

Kirby is such a trans icon. High voice. Squishy and round. Covered in pink. Sweet and adorable. And yet no one questions his gender. No one argues that Kirby is actually just a confirmed girl. No one complains that he isn’t manly enough to use he/him pronouns.

Teach me your ways oh beautiful spherical idol of mine 💖💖💖

A meme I made, inspired by a Nyazsche comic

[/ID a comic where Donald Trump points to someone with a shirt that says "random trans person", and he says "You are an enemy of the state. I am actually going to murder you." The random trans person in return says "my brother in Christ, I am literally just a person,,," Comic inspired by a Nyazche comic about two cats. The cat with the propeller hat says "do you like my silly hat?" And the other cat replies "you are an enemy of Christ." The caption above says "this is what being a trans person feels like". /END ID]

RAAHHHHH I LOVE ART SO MUCH!!!!

QUEER LIBERATION MAAAAAARCH 🏳️‍🌈✊️

Vent post ahead! Family stuff, transphobia, homophobia and stuff.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

My family doesn’t believe I can do anything; they don’t think I can take care of them when they get old, they don’t think I can fill my own medicine, live on my own, take care of myself, or get a job. I know they think this, because they’ve said it before. They only say it when they’re mad at me, but I know they think it all the time.

Because they don’t believe in me, I don’t really believe in myself either. But I know this is what they want; they want me to believe that I can’t do anything. They don’t want to see me transition, move out, and thrive. Whenever they ask me what’s wrong, I can’t tell them what’s actually bothering me because they’re too uncomfortable with the answer (dysphoria, not that they believe in it anyways.)

I don’t like these people anymore; they made it clear they don’t like my authentic self. They couldn’t even handle when I thought I was a lesbian, so what the hell was I expecting, I guess. I’m not giving up, I’m too spiteful to give up now. I’m going to live my life as a man; if they don’t like it, that’s fine, I don’t really give a shit. The only one I remotely care about is my little sister. She’s not too far gone yet. But I feel like my family will turn her to their side, and I’ll truly have no one.

Even if I have no one, I’m not giving up. I know that’s what they want, so I refuse to give up. One day, I’ll be masculine looking enough to where my family will have no choice but to call me by my actual name and pronouns, assuming that they don’t cease communication with me at that point. That’ll be a good day, assuming it happens. It’ll be incredibly painful to lose everyone, but it’ll be worth it. I’ll get new family and friends, and hopefully it will work out.

No matter what my family says, I am strong enough to do this. I have no choice but to be strong. I just have to struggle through another year or two, and I’ll be free. I’m nearly 18, will be in August, so technically I am an adult soon. Let’s hope that I can learn some more life skills and move out of this place.

(Also I may sound confident in this post, but irl I am scared. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I guess all I can do is try my best.)

Diary Entry #25 (one mostly about something not trans-related... yay?)

I was stimming so much at work today. Or maybe ticcing or whatever bc I couldn't stop. It exhausted me more than actually working my shift. I wasn't feeling any particular way, I just got a bad stim/tic day just for some random reason ig.

My main tics/stims rn are sighing really deep, cracking my elbows, and inhaling hard with my nose. It probably looks really weird but I can't really help it. I guess that'd be more of a tic than a stim? I don't know if you can have tics without tourette's, i think I read that somewhere but like. i'm not sure.

I worry that I'll freak people out more whenever I pass as male or even as a trans male. I think it's worth the price of being seen as myself, it's just a minor concern i have. I'm really talkative and I worry about freaking out women. I don't act like a creep obviously, but I do appear autistic to most people and I am aware that people can be uncomfortable with me, even though I look like a girl.

If anyone with tics/stims can help me out here that'd be appreciated. I don't really know the difference.

I GOT FUCKING RICK ROLLING. ????

Edit- i may be a dumbass actually nevermind

Your gender is now the first randomized wikipedia article you get. No rerolls.

Nah but let’s talk abt how ppl use disability terms/harmful stereotypes/ derogatory words so casually this disabled pride month (tw ableism below)

The new terms are “sch*zoposting” and “delulu” but shit like this has been around for years and it’s so incredibly frustrating.

Another example is those TikTok POVS about “the weird kid in class” but they are all stereotypes of autistic ppl.

Or the misuse of the word triggered, the misuse of the word OCD, the misuse of gaslighting, of cr*pple, “are you deaf?” “Are you blind?” “Hellen Keller isn’t real.” I could go on and on but I will simply say this.

Disabled people are real people with feelings, emotions and lives. We deserve to use the terms that we need to COMFORTABLY. We deserve to exist without people taking the language used in the context of ourselves and putting it in a negative light.

We deserve to exist.

We deserve happiness.

Check in on your disabled friends.

Don’t assume things about people you don’t know.