Im Like No Worries & Then Feel So Upset I Get Chest Pains

the bacteria in my gut is telling me to call my therapist

Day 5 Self Love Journal Prompts

5. What makes you happiest in life?

It depends, do you want the long list or the short list? Over all, my pets, my family, music, my friends, and my partner <3

My family has always had dogs, and we have four right now (dog tax below)! We also had hermit crabs while I was in elementary school, and I had a Goliath beetle in a terrarium, and a worm garden/compost bin that I saw as my pets, but my dad secretly used for fishing bait lol.

I'm the oldest sibling in my family, and I have two younger siblings (hi Jordan lol). I'm honestly pretty close to my family, and I'm thankful to get along with them pretty well!

I've always loved music, and I think my taste in music is pretty broad. A few of my current top picks are Lovejoy, dodie (seeing her in concert soon hopefully!), Laufey, BTS, Lemon Demon, Billy Joel, Mitski (just now getting into her music honestly), Dream, Hozier, Sleeping At Last, mxmtoon, Taylor Swift, Paramore, Lizzy McAlpine, and anything musical theatre honestly lol. I also listen to 80's music pretty often, but that's what my parents listened to when I was a kid so it's just kind of ingrained in my lol.

I'm really lucky to be in a place now where I have several close friends that I really trust and can rely on (hi Jordan (again)). I have my sister, my cousin, my college roommate, and my partner, and a lot of other friends I've made in the last few years. For a long time I've struggled with making, and mostly keeping, friendships. It's easy to be friendly and get along with people, but I have a hard time taking the next step after that, so I feel like I have a lot of "surface level" friends. I love them, and I appreciate their place in my life, but there's a lot of people I wish I was able to be closer to. Past that, I've always wrestled with feeling like even if I make friends, they won't stick around or will make "better" friends and not need me around anymore. Unfortunately I've had it happen enough times that it's a deep fear of mine, but I'm slowly working through it thanks to my current friends :)

My partner and I have been dating for 5 years, but we've known each other since we were little kids. He's been my best friend and rock, especially through the rough time periods where my friendships were really struggling. He's been there for me through thick and thin, encouraged my growth as a person, and is absolutely just the most loving, kind, adorable person. He's my person, and he makes my days better just by existing <3

hi! how are you? ı hope you are having a nice day. do you have a favorite poet? can ı request a poem, if any?

:')

hiii

my favorite poet atm is Richard Siken. It changes a lot, but I adore poetry with strong specific imagery but that doesn't outwardly say anything, you know? I don't want them to tell me they love the person who left them. I want them to describe their overcoat's smell and the sheer hopelessness of life and a stranger's hands, or maybe something fantastical and absurd, and through that I want them to convey their message. Here's your poem, I hope you enjoy it :)

Eucharist

I am opening myself up

again, slowly,

prying my fingers into the dust-lined cracks

at the great cathedral doors of my

being, feeling splinters and soft

old wood meet my fingers like a warning:

you do things this way,

you might get hurt.

The warning never changes

but the outcome sometimes does and so

I dig my nails

in, feel ancient dirt gather

beneath them, and I pull. Wood creaking

like bones shifting, like mountains breathing,

and the light begins to spill in again,

and fear evaporates

the way mist does when the sun

brushes the hills in the morning,

and we are inside once more-

the stained glass still glitters,

the sound still

chatters off of every great stone palisade,

ringing,

a choir of one voice, just mine, crying out:

If I do it, it will be with love.

If I do it, it will be for love.

Day 3 Self-Love Journal Prompts

3. When do you feel most confident?

Confidence is s difficult concept for me. For years I've struggled with confidence in social settings and I struggled with making and keeping friendships. But in this time period, I rarely struggled with any body insecurities. I was comfortable in how I looked for the most part, and where I wasn't I was at least neutral. In recent years my social confidence has grown a little bit, especially since moving away to college. I've been forced out of my shell a little and had to make an all new set of friends. with that though, my confidence in my appearance has dipped a bit. My weight has increased since COVID in 2020 and at first it didn't bother me, but last Summer and Fall were rough. I'm at a point now though where I've kind of found my own personal style, and that's made having to buy new clothes that fit a little easier on me. I'm at least neutral about my insecurities most days now, if not comfortable.

Because of the fluctuation of my self confidence, I've indulged a bit in some of the things that help me feel more confident. One way I've done this is by experimenting with my style! (pictures below lol) While I'm definitely not that edgy, I've been having a lot fun wearing jewelry, makeup, and clothing that in the past would have been out of my comfort zone. I'm still finding my style, but taking the time to stretch my personal taste and experiment has really helped me :)

  “Not All Who Wander”

Recreating scenes with Lego bricks

Pretending to swing a sword 

Planning to rewatch every time I was sick

Until I knew every word

Arguments over who

Was more like Arwen or Eowyn

Finding comfort in knowing you

Almost as much as we knew them

Slowly growing apart,

Moving, lost contact

Still holding you in my heart

My Lord of the Rings book barely intact.

We found SO MANY gluten free options on our trip to New Orleans! There were a ton of options (which seems so rare) and we were able to try so many new things, and I never got sick!

Tried arepas at a place called Maïs Arepas for the first time and they were AMAZING! Mine had beef, a plantain, and mozzarella in it, with plantain chips and rosado sauce to dip them in!

Found a place called The Daily Beet with absolutely amazing açaí bowls, and it was so yummy! I ended up buying a bag of their granola to take home with me! Their oats were certified gluten free :)

Another place, Bons New Orleans Street Food, had gluten free beignets (or calas) that were to die for. They were so good. I also got some Mexican street corn with pork and it was delicious!

The last place we stopped on the way home was a cute little cafe called Bearcat that had gluten free pancakes!

Day 1 Journal Self-Love Prompt

1. Who inspires you most?-  If I had to pick one person, I would probably say my dad. He is one of the most calm, gentle people I know. I’ve seen him truly, genuinely mad maybe 2 or 3 times in my 20 years you know, being alive, and even in those moments he has self restraint and gentleness. He isn’t afraid to have emotional conversations with us and express emotions, and he does so in a healthy way. Through all his kindness though, he’s absolutely hilarious. He never fails to make me laugh. I want to be that kind of parent. One whose kids can come to for comfort and support without fear or embarrassment. I know I got super lucky to end up with such great parents <3 

Gonna be doing a little journal/blog on here every day in March! I have literally no followers so honestly I’m just doing this for myself. Still not really sure how to use tumblr, so we’ll see how this goes lol

not self diagnosed not professionally diagnosed but a secret third thing (peer reviewed autism)