I Want To Sow My Own Clothes And I Want To Feel The Soft Fabric Turning Into Something Under My Fingers.

Susan Sontag - “Death Kit”

I Hope you realise that you never have to regret the act of falling in love, you felt what was to be felt at the moment, you let yourself fall in love with the very thought of a person’s breath on your skin, you fell in love with the act of their fingers running through your hair, you fell in love with the act of being in each others presence and doing absolutely nothing. You fell, in love. Please allow yourself to feel the emotions that encompass you, surely you’ve moved on, surely you don’t have that person around you anymore, but allow yourself to be close to others, allow yourself fall yet again, allow yourself to commit the act of giving your whole heart, body, mind, and soul to that one person sitting on the swing across yours, and let those emotions fall whilst. There’s no saying where one can’t learn to hold onto the lingering memory of what once was, it was a memory where you loved them, and it stays untouched basking itself in the warmth. It can be your own little album because you shouldn’t have to fight the smile that creeps up your face :) it was okau to fall, and it’s okau to fall again.

You know at times we do overlook the simplicity of a word, and that further leads you to letting it hold the weight of the life on your shoulders. Mistake, not disappointment, failure, agony, disgrace- you know the rest you’ve said it to yourself time and time again without a doubt. Yes you have. Now think about it again, mis-take. You. Missed. A. Take. No more, no less.

I made a mistake a year and a half back, it wasn’t the kind of lie where you hide a bag of chips behind somebody’s back. It was the kind of lie that broke somebody’s trust in you. Eventually it starts to grow on you etching all the way through the small of your back, upto your spine and jamming into your skull, ultimately making you believe that you MUST NOT ever live this down.

You see a reminder is a receipt of your actions and consequences in an event, but what you might not see is that the ink on that paper dries with time, it will go away, there will be a time where you’ll pick it up and you’ll see absolutely nothing,no trace.

You are going to have endless opportunities to beat yourself up over something, but allow yourself to keep it to the short stuff, maybe a brain freeze, or when you miss your bus, a paper cut, biting your tongue when you’re too excited to speak even, so technically it’s all word v0m1t.Now I’m not here to snatch that away from you, you do that all you want, but what about that one time, that split second where you know the night is colder than usual, that split second where you’re more restless than ever, that split second where you’re twisting and turning and the air around you seems to be holding a grip on your breath, and you so desperately wish the night were warmer, if only a little, where you KNOW you’ve got nothing but yourself to hold onto?

Why would you abandon yourself? We know we’ve spoken to ourselves before, we know we’ve sat with ourselves before, but did you make an effort to reach out to that echo inside of you and hold it tight to keep it safe and sound from all the intrusive thoughts peeking through? To keep yourself warm?

Surely you’ve heard “You know what you did back there, and don’t you forget it. This time won’t be any different. I just KNOW you’re going to make the same mistake again, and if you’re too stubborn to risk it again? Who am I to stop you” but what about “you did what you did under the heat of your impulse, neither of us could’ve controlled it. It has been a while and you allowed yourself to let the event sink in with time, you were afraid, and I’m not saying what you did was right or wrong, it was understandable because you were afraid. Give yourself that validation to forgive yourself” you are LEARNING and LEARNING and you LEARN and you LEARN

And maybe that will be your taking your from it, no trophy, no award, no nothing, but your accountability, and your taking, now that’s some fancy stuff right there. I did not deserve to be beat up over an event that happened years back, but I was allowed to be afraid and to let myself feel the pressure, I was allowed to find a way, to BUILD a way out. You are allowed to channel your faith on a belief that pats you on the back and kisses your forehead because that was a very hard time, but you DO get to push through, you do not need permission. You have a RIGHT to.

You get to have just as much liberty as anybody out there who decides to put themselves forth and move forward, always

i think as a society we should go back to designing furniture w little feet. it would heal us.

You’re not always going to be having an absolutely downright miserable day for you to feel worn out, your body can most definitely take the toll of an event even if your mind hasn’t reached the capacity or state to process it, there are so many instances where you yourself are not emotionally ready to face something but that doesn’t mean that your body will stop there and then. Maybe it’s something that happened over a week ago, or a month, and it happened to be that very thing you tucked under your pillow so it wouldn’t keep you up at night, so take my word when I say that it shouldn’t come off as a shock to you if you can’t set your mind on something or someone, have the energy to go on about your day, or be in your element when nothing went wrong. Take this exhaustion as a sign and evaluate over those times and everything you’d been through, face them and give yourself the time to sit through what happened, processing is key, tugging it away to suffer physiological distress is not.

Sometimes I seriously wake up, I wake up and I smile, I chuckle to no one in particular

I made it to another day, holy shit I did, I did it all by myself, I’m here with myself, I’m here for myself, I STILL HAVE ME, I have me and I need to take advantage of that, I need to selfishly adore myself, I need to put on that dress I’ve been eyeing for weeks because I CAN! It’s ridiculous of me to think there’s a rule book for it, This is boundless, it’s my body, the dress will fit ME Not the other way around, I’ll name that flower I sit across in my balcony every time I’m brewing coffee because it’s adorable, I want to take care of it, I’m holding responsibility as I bloom more and more every day, I want to reassure it that I’ll be here to water it again tomorrow, I’m here and that’s never going to change

~ ghosts of tulips past :: 💌

To those sharing every little aspect of their days?? Y’all are painstakingly adorable, it crushes me, it BREAKS me to see that smile on your face, or how your eyes light up every time you bring that one rock you saw on your way home and nurture and care for it as if you plunked it on the table from your own womb or how that one lady flashed you a smile and those beautiful wrinkles caressing her plum cheeks could tell tales that go on for days, I’m. Here. To. Hear. You. Out. Please spoil me with the abundance of your cute brain let me hear that voice again I BEG OF YOU.

There’s just something about watching people doing lovey dovey things for others , be it a gesture as simple as holding the door for them, giving an extra tip, saying “it’s on me” with those sweetheart smiles , greeting your neighbours on your way to work and arguably forcing your best friend to let loose as I put my playlist on and let them be, I’d much rather be a part of the crowd witnessing something beautiful than the act itself , sort of like fireworks , I want it to stir something in me , sweep me off my feet than the other way around. Maybe its in fear of doing the act, or feeling like I won’t do them justice,nevertheless it’s a warm and bubbly feeling. For now I’m content, for now.

~ ghosts of tulips past :: 💌

Dropping by to put a strong emphasis on the fact that you don’t owe anyone anything. Your emotions, your feelings, your thoughts, your opinions, shares, interests, your smile, your gaze, your EVERYTHING, you get to choose to give it on your free will, you get to decide who is deemed worthy of it, always :)

“Is there no way out of the mind?”

~Sylvia Plath