You, Honey, Just Made My Day

Okay but think about how, in the alternate 2012 timeline, the Time Heist Squad left behind an entire elevator full of Hydra agents who think Captain America is one of them. Think about how Captain America just had his patriotic butt whooped by a doppelgänger who told him Bucky’s still alive and then complimented his ass. He must be so confused. The Hydra agents must be so confused, but like, they’re Hydra. It’s probably in the Secret Evil Organization Handbook to never, ever talk about who’s in it. It’s like the very first rule of being a successful sci-fi Nazi: If you somehow get a guy called Captain America to join a secret Nazi organization, you do not talk about it. You keep that on the down low so that you have the ultimate double agent on your side. So Captain America is probably wandering around in the Good Ol’ 21st century, confused out of his mind, likely wondering what WiFi is and how he can find Bucky and where he can find Bucky and how could Bucky still be alive and is it America’s ass, really? And then one of the SHIELD agents that he’s met maybe like, twice before walks up to him and before Steve can even give so much as a How Do You Freakin’ Do the motherduffer is whispering Hail Hydra in Steve “I committed multiple felonies for the chance to punch Hitler in the face and I never actually got to do it” Rogers’s ear and shoving a briefcase full of soldier enhancement serum and Pentagon secrets and like, the secret recipe for Coca-Cola or whatever it is that secret Nazi organizations care about into his hand. And Steve. Steve may not know how Twitter works. He may not know emoji etiquette yet. He may not know why bananas are suddenly so weird or why having a lot of people following you is now a good thing. But Steve. Steve knows how to fight him some Nazis. He takes the suitcase. He Hail Hydras back. And then he busts his (America’s) ass back to Avengers Tower like guys you will not believe what is going down I thought we were done with Nazis in the FORTIES. Cue the Avengers trying to take down Hydra super early in the game without anyone knowing it’s the Avengers that are attacking the Hydra bases so that Steve can keep playing the double agent. Cue them trying to figure out who they can trust and who they can’t in SHIELD. And every time—every time—they bring someone else into the fold, they have to explain to them they have an agent who’s infiltrated Hydra, and every time, the person in question thinks it’s Natasha.

And no. It’s Steve.

“How in the hell did you convince them that Captain America is a Nazi?”

And that’s the best part.

Because they have no idea.

Why didn’t I know this five years ago

Bucky, after being dramatic af and dropping all those bullets in front of Zemo:

I never knew I needed this until now

Tony Stark and Peter Parker’s hugging evolution

A new character portrayed by a middle aged woman: *1 second of screen time*

Me:

She Has a Degree in Accounting Too, You Know

Pepper Potts always told people that she was hired as Tony’s personal secretary because his last one had quit, he needed a new one, and she was there. The truth, however, is that Tony had known she was qualified from the get-go. 

He noticed ALL of his employees. Didn’t matter if it was a member of the board or the janitor who works nights on Thursdays, Fridays, and Sundays. Tony notices things. It’s basically the only thing that’s keeping him from going off the deep end. He hates dealing with business. He’s always preferred inventions to talking to people about things like stock and commercials and how his public image will affect the sales. (The board acts like him going out with a model is going to bring stock points down or whatever. It’s not going to.) 

Tony notices Virginia Potts six months before he hires her and the day that she started working for the department she was supposed to be in. She was supposed to work as a manager of sorts for accounting, and from what Tony heard from his good friend Tanya down there, Virginia was scarily good at what she did. Ms. Potts didn’t fuck around with anyone, never accepted less than perfection, but was also incredibly understanding of financial situations and compromise. Tony nodded and carried on with his invention. He thought the board would really like The Jericho. He, of course, named it. The irony was fitting. 

Virginia is known for zero tolerance. Men call her various names along the line of “Frigid Bitch,” “Slut,” and “Prude.” Most of these terms contradicted each other, and Tony leveled the “we’re-just-talking” insults with a steady gaze. “She’s not a slut or a prude because she does her job better than you can,” he says flippantly. “Speaking of which, Peterson! Your numbers have down for two months. I’m having you step down, Alejandres is taking your spot.” Peterson glowers, but Tony honestly can’t bring himself to give a shit. 

Virginia Potts unflinchingly deals with businessmen who call her things like “darling,” sweetheart,” or “girly.” She kindly tells them that they are not allowed to refer to her as such. Her name is Ms. Potts, not any iteration. They grumble as she grins and tears their “deals” apart with a smile as sharp as a shark’s tooth. Her hair is never out of place as she shuts down employees who are being rude. Tony lets each one go with a talk about workplace discrimination under their belts. Howard and Obie may have tolerated it, but Tony will not. 

Virginia Potts points out an accounting mistake that would have cost the company around two million dollars. The accounting person insists that they have it right, and if she’s so sure that the person with a degree in their field is wrong, then they can take it up with Tony Stark Himself. Virginia looks over the sheet one more time. 

“I have a degree in accounting too,” she primly informs him. “But of course, Mr. Stark is the expert of his own company. I’ll set up an appointment.” 

She meets him a week later in his office when he’s trying to make a leaning tower of cantaloupe squares. She’s wearing her finest pencil skirt and blazer, heels tall enough to kill a man, and levels him with an unimpressed gaze. 

“Mr. Stark. I’m here to discuss an accounting mistake.” Tony’s fruit tower is knocked down as he glances at the paper. 

“Who was about to cost the company two million dollars because they refused to recheck their math?” 

“Tom Martin.” 

“Have someone tell him he needs to clear his desk by Monday. That’s unacceptable.” She raises her eyebrow at him. 

“I’m not your messenger, Mr. Stark.” He smiles for a split-second. If she accepted the job proposition, then she would be great at it. 

“Would you like to be? I’m in the market for a new personal assistant.” 

“Did you get bored with the other one?” Virginia asks. She seems to realize her remark was a hair too unprofessional, but doesn’t relent. Tony laughs. 

“You have a little bit of a kick to you, don’t you?” Tony asks. “I’m calling you Pepper. Would you like to be a personal assistant? I promise you that you, at least, won’t be bored.” She’s apprehensive. 

“Don’t call me Pepper. What do I do?” 

“I’m calling you Pepper. You do a lot of things. Drag me to board meetings, help me be a regular person to the outside world, and get a bump in pay.” 

“Fine.” 

Pepper Potts is…scary. She’s unafraid of calling Tony out on his bullshit behavior. She’s the drive behind his evolving fashion sense. (”You have money to buy a tailored suit that fits,” she says. “You’re getting one. I booked the appointment for one. If you don’t go, I’ll drag you there by the ear.”) She always looks put together and almost never has a hair out of place unless she gets to the workshop and manhandles him out from under a car. 

“That’s a Tin Lizzy!” Tony hisses. “You can’t touch her like that! She’s a classic!” 

“You’re about to get a classic, public dressing down by me if you don’t move and get dressed for the board meeting,” she hisses right back. “I packed you a lunch. Go.” Tony grumbles. She packed a goddamn Lunchable with a smiley face Post-It that says “since you’re being such a little bitch :)”

Tony kind of loves her. 

She understands a lot more about business than even Tony gave her credit. Sometimes, she’ll even contribute ideas. Pepper always nervously laughs and says she could never be in such a high position of power. 

Tony feigns laziness and has her decide an executive decision. 

It’s a start. 

So when Pepper laughs with one of her business friends about how Tony impulse-hired her on the spot because his last one had quit, Tony always grins. 

Piss off!!! Thanks!!!!!!!!!! :)))))

Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr. in: Expectation vs Reality

Newt: hi this auror tina goldstein is missing have you seen her

Yusuf: what does she look like

Newt, crying: beautiful

I saw @vacantbloodbones get an ask about this with no link so I’m here to share the adorable interview. Pour one out for graves being acknowledged at 1:58.