I Wish I Was Loved

I'm so miserable all the time. Being alone, just in my room used to be my fun time, my comfort time, the time I lived for. But now I'm just miserable.

I'm less miserable in school then at after it ends. My days consist of wishing the current moment to end. But the near future is never any less horrible since im stuck in a circle of agony. And I can't get out.

This is supposed to be the best time of my life. But I feel like this, how tf is life gonna be like in the future. Worse obvs cause I haven't gotten better since I was like 11.

I wish my parents didn't love, wish I wasn't aware that me killing myself would destroy them. Wish I could just end me existence, at the end of the day that's what I want the most.

Because of my constant eating during binges and times where i simply was overeating my tooth enamel is completely damaged. And that can nor will never be restored.

My dentist straight up told me I have damaged it already so from now on if I don't stick with very strict, regular meals my teeth will be easily and quickly rittled with holes. But if I haven't been able to do that so far, no matter what. So now I'll just have teeth full of holes, feel constant pain and spend god knows how much trying to keep fixing em to escape atleast some of the pain. Just rip all my teeth out so I could not ruin them further and not chew at all.

I'm just feel sad and devastated. That shit by the age of 19. And for what? Nothing positive or anyhting of resemblance to even show for the years of straight up food addiction.

Saw a girl with the tiniest waist and a butch gf at work today. Idk if I even like girls like that, but have never wanted to be someone so bad in a while.

i want someone to be violently obsessed with me. i want my existence to mean the world to someone

I want to own someone.

I want them to devote their entire life to me, to get excited whenever I come around and to beg me for even the slightest attention. I want them to live their life pleasing me, worshipping me and immediately bending backwards at my word.

Is that too much to ask?

I want my mom to hold me and then tuck me to bed. Put me to sleep so sweet and deep, I'll never wake.

Crazy how I have kinda figured out how to keep myself feeling content. Like what to do and how to do it. But most of the time, I just can't bring myself to do those things even though I know I'd feel a lot better if I did.

So hard to choose eating well so that my mind could actually focus over starving and romanticizing my misery.

But since I'll binge when I do the latter I'll be fat and disgusting either way.

Accidentally hurting your pets is the worst, because you can't even tell them how absolutely sorry you are.

I want to lay his head on my chest. I want to comfort and coddle him even when he isn't necessary upset, I just wanna make him feel safe and comforted. I want to make him feel so loved it overwhelms him. Want him to realize that no one could ever love him like I do, be as gentle, make him feel as warm and safe.