Is It Ever Your Birthday If You Don't Have To Fight Tears Constantly The Night Before And Probably The

3rd day back at school/the dorm and I already binged

I want to die. My life isn't even that bad right now, days go by fine. But being in my body and mind is like the ultimate prison sentence, I want out. I wish to carve all my organs out and then my brain and lay it on a cold surface.

In the morning my coworker asked if everything is okay, because my face was sad. I didn't quite understand if between the lines she was also telling me I shouldn't look like that bcs how it would look to customers. But I tried to smile more.

And now my mom got angry at me out of no where bcs like she said, I always look like im dying, whatever happens I look like I'm dying. She also said that life wasn't so hard which I agree, my life isn't hard. She also ranted some more but yh.

I guess I'll have to train myself to smile all the time. Idk how to tho lol

She didn't give me even a chance to ask sumn. Said right away it isn't gonna change. 5 euros an hour it is 😭😭

Tomorrow I'll have to go to the staff manager at my summer job and look over my contract. I should ask for more pay than last summer but idk how ughhh.

And then day after that I'll actually have ti go to work. In theory it's not that bad, but just the idea of it fills me with unlimited tread.

When my mom said, it can't be that tiring it's everyday life, that cut deep.

Is this too much to ask for???

Just realized that one of the main reasons I binge is because I have nothing else to look forward to than food in my life. I don't even fucking enjoy it, but I have nothing else.

Gonna fast till Thursday noon. Right now it's only almost at hour 10, but gotta push thru it.

I don't understand. How can I be doing well and than one moment, out of nowhere my brain just switches completely and im upset all the time. Can't stop slumping, negative thoughts. Even more hopeless when it's not even triggered by something, because then I can't even prevent or understand it.

I crave him so much. I don't know why. I've never talked him, but im 99% sure he is ur average boy, probs even a red piller, a 'natural' misogynist who won't even see me as a person since I am a woman he most likely won't be attracted to.

But my mind can't let go of him. My brain already hurts me so much, but this is just bullying. Making me feel so much for him. I yearn to just look at him. I barely even have the chance to see him, but I wish to properly look at him for even just 2 minutes.

And again, I feel like such a freak. A creepy stalker. I would not acc go as far as stalking him, but wanting just to look at him feels so awful.