Thinking About How I Never Truly Felt Like Myself Or Experienced Desire Until I Truly Learned What Butch

Parker Posey in Party Girl (Daisy von Scherler Mayer, 1995)

i actually DO want the lesbian that’s MUCH older than me.. like very bad like need and want and will break no contact

i hate this so much like THEY ARE NOT MINE but i want them to be… mind you we don’t live in the same country.. there’s gotta be something chemically wrong with my brain to feel this need

I WANNA BASH MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL

Marcy and Sarah, photography by Ricky Lee, "Driving Ms. Diesel", circa late 90's

i relate to hannah horvath TOO much and probably lena dunham in general. i’ve been reading her memoir and like just way too many things are similar

i want to take care of a butch lover so much. i want to kiss their arms when they're sore or tired and hold their hands in mine circling heart shapes on their palms. i want to hug their neck and hold their head safe and close to my chest to tuck them away from the noise of their day. i want to gently caress their nape and neck, calling them "darling" and "adored", listening to their worries and whispering back the most softest words. having them sleep on my body, while i keep the warmth of the blanket in check to cover them fully. make them something sweet as they prefer, smooch their lips the moment they're asking what i'm making for them. filling them with "i love you"s at the most random moments and finding incredibly aching to be departing from their closeness even for a moment. because i adore them so deeply. because i constantly want to remind them that they're everything to me.

I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive I want to be loved more than I want to be alive

watching coming of age movies to reinstall my love for living