Marcy And Sarah, Photography By Ricky Lee, "Driving Ms. Diesel", Circa Late 90's

how can being shy and reserved be unique and good when you strive for and need community? when you want to make more friends, like minded etc, when you want to be intimate with someone?

i guess it’s good when you don’t want to do those things but I DO. i want to engage with people i want to have control on when i speak which includes speaking not just being quiet.

We Are Who We Are, Luca Guadagnino (2020)

this work maintains for every moment that fleetingness that only Guadagnino manages to convey with such complex simplicity. a story that is an epiphany, the slowness of a summer that passes away, slowly letting the first signs of an imminent change emerge. self-rediscovery, mourning, and again the peace of the quiet sky after the storm. the purgatory of an existence lived anywhere except in a place concrete enough to call it home. adolescent desire, contemplation of beauty. there is purity even in the eros, which never falls beyond the veil of vulgarity. in today's cinematographic culture where sexuality, the exaggerated complexity of man and the so-called beauty are mercifully flaunted, Guadagnino gives us everything and nothing. there is simplicity even in the complex world of those who are slowly starting to discover their identity. religion rediscovered after the untimely death of a friend, or perhaps something more. "I'm 19 years old and I'm a widow, crazy right?", there is innocence even in torment and in the guilt of death. loving in the immeasurable and unconditional way of adolescence is also healing oneself from sorrow, protecting oneself from those who are not able to understand us and carrying each other in our pockets. those who have died are not mourned and distance is treated with so little that one doubts the distance itself.

at the end of the show i let The Great Gig In The Sky play in my headphones. war ultimately leads to peace, to silence.

one of the most splendid cinematic pieces I have ever experienced.

i want to be in love with a stud I WANT TO BE IN LOVE like all giddy and all.

Louise Glück, from “Otis”, Poems 1962 - 2012

i want to take care of a butch lover so much. i want to kiss their arms when they're sore or tired and hold their hands in mine circling heart shapes on their palms. i want to hug their neck and hold their head safe and close to my chest to tuck them away from the noise of their day. i want to gently caress their nape and neck, calling them "darling" and "adored", listening to their worries and whispering back the most softest words. having them sleep on my body, while i keep the warmth of the blanket in check to cover them fully. make them something sweet as they prefer, smooch their lips the moment they're asking what i'm making for them. filling them with "i love you"s at the most random moments and finding incredibly aching to be departing from their closeness even for a moment. because i adore them so deeply. because i constantly want to remind them that they're everything to me.

uni has been such a weird and alienating experience, granted i’m in my first year and it’s a huge place but it seems like everyone knows eachother and that everything is going smoothly.i went in thinking id make so many friends and feel content with my choices but my mental health has been deteriorating and my doctors (who are male and i swear that has an impact) don’t understand what im trying to say.

diary of an aging girl #2

When i was younger I felt drawn to the “olden days” and felt very much like an imposter among my peers and looking back at it now it was definitely because of how much of a shy person I was and still am. It is not like I was selectively being shy, it felt and still does feel like this bubble that if I would burst it i’d be offending everyone and also become the stupidest person in the world.

Whatever. So I grew up and realised it was very weird to look back on a time I wasn’t born (the 90s and before) and say how good they were when I didn’t experience it and hadn’t even indulged in the generation I was growing up with.

But but it’s times like these where it does feel like the world is becoming less and less progressive and for people who are minorities AKA my whole identity I feel like it’s okay to look back. I’ve always had like this nagging need to feel what I felt a couple years ago which I am sure everyone has felt and nostalgia is it’s own disease.

But I am looking to the 2010s and some of the 90s where yk for a certain part in a certain place it was blooming with community for dykes and all I can think about is we’re never going to have the same opportunities as the ones before us because of this need to conform to straight people’s standards.

Phones shoved in our faces… what if i don’t want to promote it on insta.. what if i want our communities to bloom w/o social media? is that even possible?

-doaag xx

Loser girls we will prevail

i hate acting insane but i’m grounding myself with the fact that this is time to act like it, like yes i can tell the person i like that im only for them yes i can