Diary Of An Aging Girl - Blog Posts

this is what they texted me:

“You just are always so worried about so many things pertaining to talking to me & idk why you’re stressing yourself out so much”

for the last week i’ve been rereading it and like trying to understand how they know me more than my friends.

i only have tiktok bc of edits and sending them to my friends but i genuinely miss when 2020/2021/22 when i deleted it and had a sense of freedom.

i’m already a very anxious person and an overthinker but lately it feels like everything is fuelling discourse and like they’re so minuscule and normal. it’s like people are fabricating so many fake things in order to fuck people up and the same thing with twitter.

believe it or not in those years that app was like a safer place and funny but ever since elon took over it feels like a deep pit of hell. the butchfemme discourse that goes on the there is another type of hell, mind you i don’t say shit there but it feels like everyone’s regurgitating the same shit to get likes and i hate it. im trying to ween myself off but with the way the world works, these apps seem to be an important part of our lives.

everytime i listen to this song (3 times a day or more) i cry

sometimes i feel so detached from the femme identity just because of like certain elements of who i am.. like im really tall and i’m fat and like they’re not necessarily things i gaf about but it’s clear that it’s not the ideal type. like im fully ok with itv but idk something to ponder about

it’s such a beautiful song

i want to be in love with a stud I WANT TO BE IN LOVE like all giddy and all.

listening to i’m your man by leonard cohen and i want to be punished by them.. i feel like such a pervert wanting to be hurt during intimacy..

im not sure what’s wrong with me. like i was telling them that i don’t care that they talk to other people.. i dont know why im feeling this all encompassing need to be needed by them or by anyone and i feel like this is gonna ruin me in the future. but like i dont think my need to be hurt is really bad at least i hope not.

i was watching edits of secretary and like in the ideal world i find someone like mr grey, someone who can appreciate the erotic elements of butchfemme as well as respect and wouldn’t make me feel bad about the way i approach sex. because i can see my desperate nature in lee but the way mr grey is so disgusted by himself is ME.

i relate to hannah horvath TOO much and probably lena dunham in general. i’ve been reading her memoir and like just way too many things are similar

tw: sh

everytime i’ve talked to someone and the doctors about my mental health they’ve just assumed im a teenage girl who’s going through it and like that it’s regular degular shit and there’s this underlying comment that ‘at least you’re not harming yourself’ WHEN I AM! like yes i am and the marks are visible and my mom literally mentioned how the scars couldn’t be scratches.. like i don’t know how them knowing would help but maybe acknowledging that im not lying when i say i dont want to live would be a start.

I AM INSANE

stressed out, need a cig and a heavy make out sesh asap

i need butch abby anderson biblically it is crazy

diary of an aging girl #2

When i was younger I felt drawn to the “olden days” and felt very much like an imposter among my peers and looking back at it now it was definitely because of how much of a shy person I was and still am. It is not like I was selectively being shy, it felt and still does feel like this bubble that if I would burst it i’d be offending everyone and also become the stupidest person in the world.

Whatever. So I grew up and realised it was very weird to look back on a time I wasn’t born (the 90s and before) and say how good they were when I didn’t experience it and hadn’t even indulged in the generation I was growing up with.

But but it’s times like these where it does feel like the world is becoming less and less progressive and for people who are minorities AKA my whole identity I feel like it’s okay to look back. I’ve always had like this nagging need to feel what I felt a couple years ago which I am sure everyone has felt and nostalgia is it’s own disease.

But I am looking to the 2010s and some of the 90s where yk for a certain part in a certain place it was blooming with community for dykes and all I can think about is we’re never going to have the same opportunities as the ones before us because of this need to conform to straight people’s standards.

Phones shoved in our faces… what if i don’t want to promote it on insta.. what if i want our communities to bloom w/o social media? is that even possible?

-doaag xx

I WANNA BASH MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL

i hate this so much like THEY ARE NOT MINE but i want them to be… mind you we don’t live in the same country.. there’s gotta be something chemically wrong with my brain to feel this need

i hate acting insane but i’m grounding myself with the fact that this is time to act like it, like yes i can tell the person i like that im only for them yes i can

they’re deffo talking to someone else and i genuinely need to stop being jealous bc it’s is a disease

just bought my first s*x toy and i’m petrified if my mom opens my package cause it’s coming tomorrow or that i won’t like it …

they’re such a good person and so affirming i acc don’t care that they’re much older than me. like it’s never going to gon anywhere but i feel good and it’s nice talking to them.

i’m forever going to want someone to be straight forward with me. if i’m doing too much if im doing too little. if they like me or hate me. i need to be convinced they don’t hate me and it’s such a bad trait bc at the start it’s seen as cute and “oh she’s shy” or like im inexperienced and then it slowly evolves into me being a beg and needing confirmation that what im saying is ok. this is such bull but yeah i just wanted to blab

i actually DO want the lesbian that’s MUCH older than me.. like very bad like need and want and will break no contact

my hot water bottle is burning my skin so much and the pain i’m in has not disappeared..

i ❤️ rilo kiley

thinking about how last year when i was genuinely going through it because of a situationship and how in the midst of it all i was having so much fun and how this year im going THROUGH it and i can’t even blame her.

i think about how it was the first time i really liked someone and that i could see it evolving from simple messages and how i was so forthcoming with what i liked and how much they meant to me. and told them how id appreciate it back but never got that. im so glad its over and i don’t harp on it anymore but its like will someone communicate like how i do.

i want someone to tell me they hate me or that they need me or that they don’t want me. i genuinely don’t care if it’s a negative thing i just would rather it be communicated.

i love shoshanna and ray (separately and together despite their problematic nature) like i don’t know why they both make me feel this eternal sadness especially ray.

like i genuinely love girls so much! hannah’s ocd episode makes me feel vulnerable and same with jessa. even marnie makes me feel sad.

i’m kind of resenting my friends for being straight.. and not understanding how certain things affect me or how i yearn for people who are similar to me.

i don’t get periods often like i’ve had a year where i didn’t have one at all and i also was really late into having one but im on it now and im horny as hell AND in pain ? how does this work

uni has been such a weird and alienating experience, granted i’m in my first year and it’s a huge place but it seems like everyone knows eachother and that everything is going smoothly.i went in thinking id make so many friends and feel content with my choices but my mental health has been deteriorating and my doctors (who are male and i swear that has an impact) don’t understand what im trying to say.

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ intro °❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ pls read!!

tw’s: sh just like my observations, nsft.

i just post whatever. 18 black femme.

i love movies, books, shows + music! i have a LARGE dvd and cd collection and i want to talk to anyone about anything!!! about being a femme4butch lesbian, i want to make lesbian specifically butch and femme friends who are also kind of not typical. also if you like rookie mag interact! cause i love rookie sm. i’m gonna tag the things i like!

i think the blog will probs have nsfw since it’s a diary so anyone under 18 (06) DNI. zionists, fatphobes, edt, men, lesbophobes and homophobes, transphobes DNI

just to make sure, anything i say about butches/studs is within the context that i am respecting them and not denouncing butches to just sexual beings. i love butches + studs beyond being partners, and will always value the friendship. The obvious eroticism in the butchfemme dynamic should not be lost on everyone, i am embracing it not just someone.

this feels so disorganised lol

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