Gotham Based Goons Definitely Blame All Their Mishaps On The Bats.

-at a justice league meeting in the midst of a very very stressful few weeks for Batman where everything has gone wrong, alfred is on vacation, and Bruce has not slept in days-

Batman: -outstandingly still coherent, lays out an extremely detailed plan on how to take down the Villain Of The Week- Any questions?

Nightwing: -slowly raising his hand from across the table-

Batman: Yes?

Nightwing: So... in all of this planning did you block out time to go pick up Robin from school like you said you would, or do you want me to do that?

Batman: ...

Nightwing: I'd say we could just let walk home alone, but the last time you did that, we found him trying to dismantle a section of the Russian mafia about two hours after he was supposed to get home.

Batman: ...

Nightwing: And he gets out of school in -checks wrist like he's wearing a watch- ten minutes, so you might want to make a decision soon.

Batman: ...Fuck.

"everyone's special" my ass

kacchan is so obviously his favourite like bffr

i have receipts dont test me

nightwing being hurt in the field, and over comms he can’t get out what was wrong, nearly in shock, and jason puts on his best batman™️ voice and says “robin, report.”

and it snaps dick out of it enough to say concussion, possible broken ribs, and a gash in his side.

no one talks about it, and then a year later, damian does the same thing to tim

Tim: *scrolling through the batfamily tag*

Tim: Wrong.

Tim: Wrong.

Tim: Incomprehensibly wrong.

Tim: Wrong but harmless.

Tim: Nice style and color palette but I don't care about the Superbat ship.

Tim: Mildly entertaining liveblog update.

Tim: They whitewashed my sibling. :(

Tim: Good joke, reblog.

Tim: Wro— well that's my boyfriend so I will politely look away.

Tim: Fifteen posts in a row by an innocent Teen Titans RP blog that I don't have the heart to block.

Tim: Take I agree with but Jason was the OP and annoying about it.

Tim: Chapter twenty-eight of Duke's longfic WIP!

Tim: GOOD POST! Instafollowed.

Tim: Bot.

Tim: Technically correctly tagged but uses this acronym for something completely different.

Tim: Museum-worthy art piece by a sixteen-year-old from the Philippines.

Tim: Wrong.

Tim: Wrong but in a new and exciting way that provokes thought.

Hi

Can we have some headcanons about GCPD reacting to Talon Dick? (We already traumatized JLA and Titans, now it is Gordon's turn, lol)

Heck yeah!

The first time Batman shows up with Talon in tow Gordon doesn’t even realize he’s there until Batman addresses him and Dick finally moves from his ominous perch on a nearby pillar. He was still enough that Gordon’s brain filed him away as a gargoyle. Gordon takes one good look at Talon and feels his fight or flight instinct kick in with full force. That golden eyed stare is a whole new kind of unnerving. He feels like a mouse caught in the gaze of a predator.

When Gordon not so subtly demands too now what the hell that “thing” is, Batman doesn’t even pause before saying “that’s Talon” and continuing with his debrief on the latest case. He refuses to to elaborate any further.

Gordon has to call a meeting when it becomes apparent that Talon (Gordon point blank refuses to think about the Cour of Owls being real. He refuses.) is now a permanent fixture at the Batman’s side because he’s had to console several terrified newbies during the last few weeks because Bird Boy’s scary factor is worse than the friggin Batman’s, and “No, commissioner! You don’t understand! I SAW HIM TAKE A SHOT TO THE THROAT AND WALK IT OFF!”

Gordon asks Batman only once if he has to worry about demons or zombies now, deciding that if the answer is “yes” he is going to quit. Damn it all. Unfortunately, the answer is no.

Dick takes a liking to the commissioner. The commissioner wishes Talon didn’t, because his heart palpitations definitely got worse since having a goddamn Talon show up in his office every other day. How did the guy even get in here? There was literally nobody in the room with him a second ago!

Just when Gordon thought he finally had the kid (because it IS a kid, he realizes with a nauseous twist in his stomach) all figured out, Robin shows up. Gordon had to call another meeting with the rookies after one of them insulted the walking traffic light and got dangled off the edge of a roof. New rule: No trash talking Robin. Ever.

Talon makes a game out of scaring the officers he doesn’t like. Gordon… doesn’t veto that game unless he knows that particular cop is clean. Which they rarely are.

Talon doesn’t talk in the presence of others for the longest time, and when he does Gordon nearly falls over in surprise. He was thoroughly convinced he’s only capable of bird speech.

Dick: So, you know how I’m part of an online circus?

Jason: What the actual hell is an online circus?

Dick, exuberant: It’s like... an on-demand Cirque du Soleil! People book us for events—birthdays, concerts, whatever—and performers log in from all over the world.

Jason: ...so you have clowns.

Dick, visibly sweating: Well, it’s more than clowns! We have aerialists, jugglers, fire-eaters—

Jason, standing up, looming over Dick: But you have clowns.

Dick, desperate backpedal mode: Technically, yes. But they’re like artistic clowns. Highbrow. Minimal honking.

Jason: Minimal honking? You’re telling me there’s still honking?

Dick, defensive: Controlled honking. Tasteful honks only.

Jason, crossing his arms: Joker-level honks?

Dick, horrified: Joker doesn’t even have a clown permit! He’s not qualified.

Jason: He went to clown school.

Dick: No, he shot up a clown school. That’s different.

Jason, sitting back down: You know why this pisses me off.

Dick, quietly: Yeah, I do.

Jason: It’s weird, right?

Dick: Super weird.

Jason: Sometimes I feel like you should be more messed up about clowns. Like, my level of messed up.

Dick: I know, bud.

Jason: It’s just... I feel alone in this whole clown thing.

Dick: You’re not alone. Gotham as a whole has a no-clown policy. Did you know circus clowns refuse to work here?

Jason: Of course. Otherwise, your little e-circus would’ve been torched.

Dick: By Joker?

Jason, thinking about that one time he shot up a department store window for displaying clown shoes: Uh... yeah. Yeah, Joker.

Dick: Well, for what it’s worth, you’d be great in the online circus.

Jason, deadpan: You saying I’m a clown?

Dick, grinning: No, but you are a high-value performer. People would pay top dollar to see Red Hood juggle guns.

Jason, pulling a gun from his holster and spinning it effortlessly: You mean like this?

Dick, mock clapping: Bravo! Now add some honking, and you’re ready for the big leagues.

Jason, standing up, gun still in hand: You have three seconds to run.

Dick, already halfway out the door: for the record, I'm a performer, so this retreat is performative and just to keep you happy-slash-entertained

Jason: get out!

What would buzzfeed unsolved look like in the dcu?

“This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we’ll be discussing the mysterious case of Jason Todd.”

—

Keep reading

Local baby bat upset that he cant simple punch his way out of every situation ends up making some new friends

I just wanted to draw baby Diana and baby Clark so heres baby Bruce from that role swap au making some friends by getting beat up (full au guide here)

Yknow how lions will sometimes pretend that their cubs' biting hurts and stuff as a form of encouragement

Imagine that but like

Robin!Dick: *bap*

Bruce: *dramatically throws himself into a shelf*

Saw a post about every Assassin knowing Cassandra Wayne was Cassandra Cain and I just need to know what the hell they think about Damian. Like the post said they all think Batman placed Cass with Bruce Wayne to keep an eye on him but what about Damian?

Like isn't it commonly known among anyone in the League of Assassins that Damian al Ghul was the son of Batman? So what do they think seeing him on TV as Damian Wayne?

Does the League know Bruce is Batman and they just don't ask questions? I'd like to think the older members remember Bruce being trained in the League, like they remember he was supposed to be Talia's consort. But what about the rest of the league?

Oh what's that? Damian is the Son of Batman? Makes sense. Damian is actually the son of Bruce Wayne? The airhead billionaire? Alright we've got some questions.

I need to know what Talia ans Ra's are telling people because Bruce Wayne is like worldwide famous, there's no way Assassins aren't going to realize that Damian is from the League. Is it like an open secret then? The League just knows Damian is Batman's son and Batman is Bruce Wayne but no one says anything about it because they want to protect Damian.

Furthermore, is no one going to question that airhead Bruce Wayne has custody of David Cain and Lady Shiva's daughter, Talia al Ghul and Batman's son AND his own son Jason Todd was also in the League? Do they think he's still somehow affiliated with the League? Like I need to know what kind of gossip passes around the league, I need to be part of it.