I’m Going To Relapse And Mutilate Myself Unrecognizable

It's all my fault I've ruined my own life and now I have to deal with it and instead of taking accountability like a man I'm threatening suicide like a pussy and this is why I don't deserve to live and why I should be killed I am actually so evil I’m not kind I’m not nice I’m not thoughtful I am actually genuinely so evil

You wonder why I feel unloved you aren’t even responding to my messages why the fuck are you making me being suicidal your problem why are you making it about you fucking bitch you’ve been so fucking rude about everything for a couple days and im fucking sick of it asshole you make me feel sick to my stomach

When I die nobody will be at my funeral

I wish it didn’t fucking hurt as much as it did. I wish it didn’t take everything in me to not text you and beg for you back. I can’t do it.

I just have to accept you’re gone and that you never really loved me. Why does it still hurt? Why am I still affected like it happened yesterday? I shouldn’t be judging myself for this because it is completely human, such as I, and I experience emotions like everyone else albeit very very intensely. I just feel so alone and I don’t know why.

I have everything I want it feels like. I’m learning how to make music on computer. I have friends. I have a wonderful relationship. I have support. I get constant money and am so lucky financially. I get out more. I have all the clothes I want. I have parents who care. What the fuck is wrong with me and why am I like this? Why do I feel alone right now? Why do I feel the worst I’ve ever fucking felt?

I am so unimportant and it hurts. My life is nothing but a sick joke. I’m stuck inside of purgatory. Surely hell can’t be worse than this. I don’t think it can get worse than this. I can’t take it. I have to die. I can’t keep living like this anymore

BPD is just so excruciating to deal with. I’m so tired. I’m tired of letting this illness control me, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m just so comfortable in this misery. I hate it but I truly can’t ever escape it so why even try? I’m so sad. I hate having this. I just hate it

I’m trying so hard to act normal it genuinely feels awful again like what the actual fuck is going on please don’t hate me I feel weird talking about that whole situation with my friend she just made things so much worse . It makes me feel like everything has come crashing down again . I don’t know why im like this but I am and I just wish that people could see past that because I am more than my mental illnesses I just can’t do it man

Lol can you fucking imagine Look at this stupid bullshit I am such a fucking faker Jesus Christ No wonder people pump and fucking dump me I’m not worth anything besides sex and to be abused Jesus Christ No Fucking Wonder people sexually assault me then Leave me I fucking deserve it Lol I’m suchafucking idiot I am So fucking Stipid I am worthless not even my own boyfriendlikes me😭😂😂bi am so ugly Jesus Christ I am so fucking ugly inside and out I need to get killed

I’m grateful for my screenshots of so many new music recommendations to listen to in my phone! I’m grateful that because it’s a holiday my mom let me have two tiny shots of fireball! I’m grateful that I get to wake up early in the morning to watch my favorite cartoon before bed as if im a child despite being 18! I am so grateful to re-try a drink I once loved, don’t appreciate anymore, then take a sip of my favorite drink to remind me again why it’s my favorite! I am grateful for my five senses to be able to view the world!

I’m grateful for being alive even though there are days where I am blinded by my traumatizing experiences. I love my life and I love myself. I am growing up and that is amazing! Everything will be okay. Everything will be so very okay.

I’m so excited to finally fucking do it I am so excited about it I think it may be the only thing making me happy anymore. Knowing I don’t have to deal with this shit anymore. I don’t have to be perfect or fake for anybody or those stupid fucking cunt “friends” of mine I can finally just leave without a trace and move on. Everyone else can move on. I will be forgotten about and my online presence will disappear and dissipate and I just can’t fucking wait. What was once a stain will finally be thoroughly cleansed and taken care of. I will not be a mistake to humanity anymore. I will finally be able to forgive myself

It felt like I was back in that relationship all over again finding out she lied to me I feel like death I’m going to fucking relapse I hate this I hate my body I hate my everything I just wish I was cis I hate my self