You Make Me Feel So Ugly

I’m trying so hard to act normal it genuinely feels awful again like what the actual fuck is going on please don’t hate me I feel weird talking about that whole situation with my friend she just made things so much worse . It makes me feel like everything has come crashing down again . I don’t know why im like this but I am and I just wish that people could see past that because I am more than my mental illnesses I just can’t do it man

You make me fucking hate myself you aren’t a real friend

I’m experiencing the feeling I felt when I found out she looked at other people sexually and lied to me about it

I don’t know what to do im just so fucking lost

Maybe Hell is real but at least me rotting in the flames would be better than what’s happening to me right now

I am forced to be awake every agonizing second to feel the worst mental pain in existence. I can’t kill myself because there’s such a big chance I will fail. Yet I can’t keep waking up like this anymore. This is limbo. This is my personal Hell. I can’t escape at all. I can’t fucking escape. I can’t leave. I have to be here and I can’t fucking do it anymore yet I am forced to because the alternatives are no better. I’m so fucked. I am so fucked

I can accept that being lovable doesn’t mean everyone will love me. It hurts. That is a normal human emotion. Pain is a normal human emotion, and that is what i’m experiencing. It’s just simply pain and doesn’t define who I am, nor my future, nor anything.

As Hard as this may be, it really is just the first day. I am allowed to struggle and to feel bad. Shit, I had good times. I had really good and fun times! And they made me feel good. But sometimes things aren’t meant to be, and that’s okay. My pain will not last forever. My grieving and mourning will not last forever. I am allowed to feel this because I cared! I loved hard! I truly tried my best, so that’s really all that mattered.

Again, sometimes things aren’t meant to be. Instead of letting this control my life, how about I frame it like this:

She felt like my world but the truth is? She is just another person. She was my person, but now she is not. I was attached to her, and I am revising myself not to be that way anymore. As painful as this may be right now, it’s only temporary. This is just where I’m at right now, but this too shall pass. Time is gonna pass anyways, so why should I just sulk and mourn for someone that really wasn’t good for me? I know that I’m scared, but I’m going to get through this situation scared. Petrified, even.

Now that she’s gone, what can I do freely? I can:

*hang out with my friends as much as I want

*dress however I want and be promiscuous and provocative

*really get focused on my future instead of feeling as if I’m held back

*not focus on social media so much and let it consume me, especially online relationships

I’ve done this many times before. I really thought it was the end of my world! But look at me now—I’ve had ups and downs and unfortunately have found myself in the same place. But guess what? I know what to do. This is only a learned experience. I will continue to learn. It will all be okay even if it doesn’t feel like it. I will live and I will survive.

I want to die so bad fuck

Tomorrow would’ve marked our 9 month anniversary, and two months since we have been separated from each other.

I cant lie when I say I miss you. I long for you sometimes. I wish that I could relive every single moment we spent with each other so I didn’t take it for granted. You felt like you were my person. I cant say that I’m not absolutely crushed that you aren’t here anymore.

I continuously think that I’m getting better, but I just remember how much I enjoyed our time together and get wrecked again. I dont Even know if you miss me, and I don’t think it matters. I just fucking miss you. I miss that i was able to call you mine. Now I call you an abuser because that is what you are.

I am in a much better place with much better people. Yet I still feel so alone without you sometimes. I wish I could see your face again. I wish I could hear your voice again. I wish we could laugh on call for hours again. I just want it all Back. I miss you so fucking much. I really do.

It just hurts, and I think it hurts more that you don’t really miss me—assuming, at least. I know you, I really do. I know you’d never post how you felt, and how you’d always just dump it onto me because I was always there for you. I know that you miss me, or maybe it’s just my delusion telling me so. I dont know what I want, or who I want, or what I want to do. I dont know anything and just feel lost.

I miss you so much. Theres still a Little Bit of Love for you In my heart. I try everyday to resist looking at your account, texting you and begging you back, etc. I just miss you so fucking much. I do. I cant lie and say I don’t. I don’t miss you ALL the time like I used to. But I am still hurting. The wound is still fresh I suppose, but it doesn’t even feel like two months.

I just wish I could wake up and it was a dream. I wish I could wake up and do things right. I wish that you were right in the head. I wish you weren’t the way you are because then maybe things would’ve worked out. I miss you so fucking much. I really do.

I can’t be too involved in the past, or I’ll miss everything going on around me in the present. But I just miss you. I wish you were in my present. I love you.

What have I done to make you disgusted by me