I’m Experiencing The Feeling I Felt When I Found Out She Looked At Other People Sexually And Lied To

J don’t even like dressing up anymore

I feel so alone and scared I can’t be an adult I just want to go back and restart it all

I thought things were going okay but I guess not. My friend just told me she feels guilty for talking to me ever since the whole incident happened last week and also my friend right now is acting fucking weird and makes me want to split on him really bad. He isn’t laughing or anything and says he’s tired but he’s acting weird and it’s pissing me off. It’d probably be better if I was just at home.

I just hope I stop feeling this way. I dont want to keep ruining my friendships. I don’t even know why she feels guilty. It’s not her fault im this way!!!! Stop being my friend out of fucking pity!!!!! Be my actual friend!!!!! Stop feeling sorry for me!!!!!!

Being a victim isn’t fucking fun and this shit messes with me every single day. I dont want you to feel bad for me. I just want you to talk to me like a normal person. It’s not my fault I am this way. I want you to see me past my flaws that make me act the way I do anyways. Yet you’re just paying extra attention and that fucking hurts. Please just talk to me normally. Stop being weird towards me.

All of this hurts

I genuinely have never hated myself more than I do now nothing makes me feel better anymore I am just rotten

It hurts less more and more everyday but I am still sad over you kinda. I miss you. Sometimes I want to unblock and go back to you but I know that wouldn’t ever happen and that’s okay.

I dont know what specifically happened, but I don’t think I really need this account anymore. I mean I’ll still use it, what I meant is that I don’t think I feel as empty as I did when I first started.

I got a job and I love it. I finally got my permit after about 3 tries. I an getting out way more. I am dating the ACTUAL love of my life and am getting closer and closer with him. I’m getting closer to my irl friends. I’m doing … mostly ok in school, but I’m not worried about it. It’s my last year in school. I’m in therapy and I get along with my therapist. I feel more confident about myself and my body. I have proper medication that really works. I have a new special interest. I’ve been extremely creative, both art + music + edit & even writing wise. I’ve been finding some new music that has been inspirational to me. I’m sort of re-developing my clothing style. I have a wicked ass tattoo. Ive been smoking weed and having fun with that. Whenever I think of her I dismiss it and move on. I have amazing friends both online and irl and am developing decently normal relationships. I’m laughing so much more. I’m becoming more independent. I’ve redeveloped a love for energy drinks, specifically Monster. People have been more kinder to me. I am a trendsetter at my school and everyone talks about me. Im about to get a big paycheck. When I get my proper driver’s license, I’m going to be able to drive around. Im getting my issues solved. Next year I will HOPEFULLY be able to get a house with my partner and we can live on our own.

There’s so much more, but I can’t list them all. Im pretty forgetful. I just think I am healing. There are times where I feel like im not, and where I relapse back into old habits but I believe I’ve been getting better at that. I think that in general I am getting better. I am more grateful for the little things in life. I have no need to look back on the past, get upset about the past, etc. What’s done is done and there’s nothing I can change besides how my future will end up. I have people who love and support me forever and I am glad I do. Whether it’s 2 people or 20, I am happy I am in their presence. I think I am getting okay. It’s only up from here everyone

Lol can you fucking imagine Look at this stupid bullshit I am such a fucking faker Jesus Christ No wonder people pump and fucking dump me I’m not worth anything besides sex and to be abused Jesus Christ No Fucking Wonder people sexually assault me then Leave me I fucking deserve it Lol I’m suchafucking idiot I am So fucking Stipid I am worthless not even my own boyfriendlikes me😭😂😂bi am so ugly Jesus Christ I am so fucking ugly inside and out I need to get killed

I’m grateful for my screenshots of so many new music recommendations to listen to in my phone! I’m grateful that because it’s a holiday my mom let me have two tiny shots of fireball! I’m grateful that I get to wake up early in the morning to watch my favorite cartoon before bed as if im a child despite being 18! I am so grateful to re-try a drink I once loved, don’t appreciate anymore, then take a sip of my favorite drink to remind me again why it’s my favorite! I am grateful for my five senses to be able to view the world!

I’m grateful for being alive even though there are days where I am blinded by my traumatizing experiences. I love my life and I love myself. I am growing up and that is amazing! Everything will be okay. Everything will be so very okay.

I hate being schizophrenic because I was straight up so paranoid I was pregnant and it added onto my breakdown yesterday I beat the fuck out of my uterus and now I’m cramping and I don’t know if I work right down there anymore

I can’t even vent correctly because I am paranoid

Why have I been in sk many near death situations and haven’t gone away yet why do I have to do it why can’t I just be taken out god praying for death DOESNT work and it’s obvious Everytime I try I fail I can’t take it god please whoever is up there get me out of here I don’t care if it’s Heaven or hell I deserve to rot in hell I’m disgusting oh my god I’m going to die alone even in the afterlife L.O.L😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂I am miserable and venting about it like this makes me feel even more selfish