I Hope One Day We Can Reunite Even If You Did Hurt Me. I Miss You.

I have a limited amount of days before I have to do it. I can’t keep living my life like this.

Many things make me happy but I have to wonder if it’s actually happiness. I feel empty with every single relationship im involved in. I’m not even really sexual that much anymore and unfortunately that says something about me.

At this point I just really give up. I try to find the positives. I think there are actually a lot of positives in my life. I have a great boyfriend, friends, most of the times my parents are good, and a lot of other things. But I can’t have these things forever.

I can’t just be a kid. I can’t just sit in my room and talk to my friends always. I have been robbed of a childhood yet in 8 Monday’s im graduating high school. I have not had a plan for my life because I didn’t think I’d make it this far. I feel lost and I don’t know what to do, honestly.

I have 8 more Monday’s (7 after this week) where I have opportunities to do it. I have 2 prescription bottles full of Geodone which is an antipsychotic that can cause Serotonin Syndrome. That is how ill do it. I will mix alcohol with it and maybe some sleeping meds to really seal the deal. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fucking do this anymore.

I don’t know why the fuck I am so unfixable. Why I can just never really be happy. Why I can’t just function normally. Why what I am going through seems to never have an actual answer. What the fuck am I doing here then? Just to suffer for other’s amusement?

I feel guilt. I feel so fucking guilty. I can’t stand seeing people be nice to me about what im going through yet I can’t get enough of it. I feel like such a fucking loser. I feel such shame for having these emotions to the point I don’t even know if I should talk about them anymore. I’m just so sad. It’s so much worse than sad. This situation is just so fucked up. I want to die

I want to sleep and never wake up again

I don’t know why I try to do anything I am so untalented and fucking retarded and stupid oh my fod I need to die I want to slit my wrists I want to fucking hang my self I hate myself so fucking much I can’t take it I want to kill myself i want to die why haven’t I died yet why am I still here I have no purpose I hate everyone I want to die

THATMOMENT WHEN YOU ARE THE ENTIRE REASON YOUR BEST FRIEND IS NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND ANTMORE AND YOU FINALLY REALIZE YOU REALLY HAVE FUCKED UP YOUR LIFE BEUOND REPAIR AND YOU WILL ACTUALLY DIE ALONE THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU WILL NEVER BE RELATED IR LOVED EVER AGAIN OH MY GOD IM GOING TO BLEED OUT I HOPE MY BOYFRIEND CATCHES ME

Everyone I love and have broken up with or left are all the fucking same they always will be they will always think I’m gross or repulsive or ugly or just fucking wish that I had a fucking dick they will always cross my boundaries and prefer looking at other things besides me And think I’m fucking ugly I keep getting betrayed over and over and over and over I will never ever truly be loved for who I am I fucking hate everyone

I feel so alone and scared I can’t be an adult I just want to go back and restart it all

I can’t stop screaming for help god help me PLEse

I’m fucking retarded and depending on anonymous tumblr anons to reassure me not to blow my fucking head off lol I am so pathetic I actually need to overdose so fucking bad when I get medicated bupropion I’m giving myself brain damage and serotonin Syndrom and seizing out in public while I get recorded and published on a stupid gore website with the title saying “WORTHLESS RETARD TRANNY OVERDOSES BECAUSE OF COURSE IT NEEDS MEDS!!!!” Oh my fucking Godlol I’m nothing I deserve to be fucking killed and splat on the pavement im so sick of this shit I literally think I cannot be more pathetic than I already am Then I pull some of the lowest shit ever and it’s like Jesus fucking Christ. Even all the notably bad people can’t compare to how fucking filthy and rotten and disgusting I am I need to slit my wrists and bleed out in a field in the middle of Nowhere lol I want to give people my location so they can take me the fuck Out if any of you legitimately want to hire a hit man to take me out I will give you money and my address and fucking everuthing just kill me holy shit just fucking kill me

It is genuinely unbelievable just how fucking putrid and ugly I am. Not only will I never pass but I’m doomed to look and sound like the most hideous girl in the world. Once my boyfriend leaves me I will have nobody, because nobody wants to have or to be with an ugly girl.

I have lost everything. I mean literally fucking everything. I have lost my dearest friends who made me feel alive, I’ve lost my beauty, I’ve lost any interest in anything, I’ve lost my talent, I’ve lost my personality; even my best fucking friend of almost 4 years could care less if I got hit by a fucking car. I am nothing anymore. I am a literal basement dwelling leech. I am an ugly retard. I am hideous and I will never be anything to anybody.

I plan on blowing my brains out soon. I remember the code of the gun safe and I am planning to write a pretty lengthy note. I’m going to paint the fucking walls with my goddamn brain matter. I can’t handle living like this. I can’t be miserable like this anymore. No matter how good things seem, it will never be meant for me. It will never be directed toward me. Nothing matters. I will end up kicked out of this house with nobody to go to, get hooked on hard drugs and overdose in the city of Lancaster Pennsylvania.

Even when I die I will be mocked at the hands of people who will be worth more than me when they die. I will always be a laughingstock. My tombstone will have my real name on it. I won’t be remembered for anything besides my mother’s mistake, and a troubled, retarded, embarrassing, mentally stunted girl.

I am miserable. I hate myself. I do not look in mirrors anymore and I don’t take pictures of myself because I am so fucking ugly. I am ashamed Everytime I go into public and dressing up will never cover up how disgusting and deformed I look. I want to rip my face off so nobody can recognize who I am. Everyone who sees me are shocked that somebody so hideous could ever have the bravery to go outside and pretend to be function-able when everyone can clearly see through me. I am so ashamed of myself. I’m guilty and disgusting. I hate myself

Not even the one I love loves me anymore