My Head Hurts

Getting beat and kicked down until I’m close to an unrecognizable mess and then you kiss me disgustingly on my blood filled mouth. I give you my full consent to beat the shit out of me and leave me clinging onto consciousness then admiring what damage you have done to me. I love being abused what can I say. It turns me on

I genuinely need to die

Tomorrow would’ve marked our 9 month anniversary, and two months since we have been separated from each other.

I cant lie when I say I miss you. I long for you sometimes. I wish that I could relive every single moment we spent with each other so I didn’t take it for granted. You felt like you were my person. I cant say that I’m not absolutely crushed that you aren’t here anymore.

I continuously think that I’m getting better, but I just remember how much I enjoyed our time together and get wrecked again. I dont Even know if you miss me, and I don’t think it matters. I just fucking miss you. I miss that i was able to call you mine. Now I call you an abuser because that is what you are.

I am in a much better place with much better people. Yet I still feel so alone without you sometimes. I wish I could see your face again. I wish I could hear your voice again. I wish we could laugh on call for hours again. I just want it all Back. I miss you so fucking much. I really do.

It just hurts, and I think it hurts more that you don’t really miss me—assuming, at least. I know you, I really do. I know you’d never post how you felt, and how you’d always just dump it onto me because I was always there for you. I know that you miss me, or maybe it’s just my delusion telling me so. I dont know what I want, or who I want, or what I want to do. I dont know anything and just feel lost.

I miss you so much. Theres still a Little Bit of Love for you In my heart. I try everyday to resist looking at your account, texting you and begging you back, etc. I just miss you so fucking much. I do. I cant lie and say I don’t. I don’t miss you ALL the time like I used to. But I am still hurting. The wound is still fresh I suppose, but it doesn’t even feel like two months.

I just wish I could wake up and it was a dream. I wish I could wake up and do things right. I wish that you were right in the head. I wish you weren’t the way you are because then maybe things would’ve worked out. I miss you so fucking much. I really do.

I can’t be too involved in the past, or I’ll miss everything going on around me in the present. But I just miss you. I wish you were in my present. I love you.

You make me feel so ugly

What is wrong with me why do I engulf everything and make it miserable why am I just the worst Fuckifn person on the planet

It is like there’s always something with me and it makes me feel so ashamed. I don’t cause problems on purpose. I don’t act out this way on purpose. I just want help

I am going toblow my head off I need to kill myself I have nobody

I’m not even happy with my relationships or friendships anymore. I’m just so depressed. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I just can’t live life normally anymore.

I can’t see my loved ones the same anymore. I don’t see them in any sort of negative or positive light. I just see them as strangers. They’re all now strangers to me. My own mother feels like a stranger. I don’t have a family and it fucking hurts so much.

I can’t tell anybody the struggle I go through because they don’t understand or won’t even attempt to. They’re all so selfish. My problems aren’t their’s of course but fuck can’t I at least have some help? Why do I always have to do this shit myself? Why do I have to suffer alone?

Suicide is something I am surprised you have never went through. Despite all your hardships in your life, there you are, standing tall and breathing. You’re accepting whatever life throws at you. This is something I will always love about you. Your strength. Your ability to say fuck you to issues that may be a really big deal to you, and to move forward. I wish that I would’ve been more like you.

I am sorry that I failed you. I am sorry that I did just give up. I’m Sorry that I had to disappoint you this way. I’m sorry that I made you feel ashamed, embarrassed, or uncomfortable with me when I was alive. I know a lot of the choices that I had made were not the best ones, that I made a lot of stupid choices on what to do with myself and who I involved myself with and everything, but I was just trying to escape. I was afraid to come to you because I know a lot of this stuff seems over dramatic, but it’s so real to me mom. It’s so real to me. And I was scared. I shouldn’t of been, but I was. There are so many things that I have not told you about that has spiraled me into these delusions. This isn’t your fault.

I’m sorry that I had made your life so much harder when I was born. I know that we got better as we grew up but I know that I weighed down heavy on you. I was a really big issue. I know that you would’ve preferred to be bothered by me than seeing me gone from your life forever, and im Sorry I’ve decided to make this choice. It isn’t your fault.

I will always forgive you. For every thing you’ve called me, for the years of depression you faced resulting in neglect, for all the arguments we’ve gotten into—every single bad thing that’s happened with us, it is behind me now. I will always love you. There really is nothing you could’ve done to ever make me stop loving you. You were my sunshine during rainy days even if you were the cause of the rain sometimes. You are only human and you make mistakes.

I will love you forever, all mistakes included. I am so lucky that I got the privilege to be your child. I’m so lucky that I was able to grow up with a mother like you. I’m so glad you raised me. I know it wasn’t perfect, but I’d rather have this fucked up life with you instead of having a perfect one with someone else.

I will always love you forever. My love for you will never go away, even into the afterlife. You will always be my best friend. You could never change that no matter what you may have done. I’m sorry that this happened. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you.

I love you mom. I don’t know where I will be if there is an afterlife, but I hope that one day I can open my eyes and see you again. I hope that you go to Heaven if it’s real, even if that means I will never see you again. Never forget how much I appreciated you. Never forget that I will always love you from my entire being. I won’t leave your side, even in the afterlife. I love you mom. I always will.

I love you.

Why have I been in sk many near death situations and haven’t gone away yet why do I have to do it why can’t I just be taken out god praying for death DOESNT work and it’s obvious Everytime I try I fail I can’t take it god please whoever is up there get me out of here I don’t care if it’s Heaven or hell I deserve to rot in hell I’m disgusting oh my god I’m going to die alone even in the afterlife L.O.L😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂I am miserable and venting about it like this makes me feel even more selfish