I Am Going To Kill Myself

I just wish you actually loved me I wish you thought I was beautiful

I feel so empty. I don’t know if I can pretend to be positive or anything anymore. I’m so tired of this cycle and I can’t keep going. I don’t want to keep going.

Everything is failing. I’m pushing everyone away. Nobody fucking cares about me or loves me anymore. I don’t even know the last time I’ve actually felt loved by someone else, not even my own partner.

I don’t even deserve that love anyways, and I don’t say that in the self pity type of way, but I sincerely believe im just an awful person. I don’t deserve the support or the love that I have.

I feel like a shell of a person. I feel like Everytime it almost gets better it just crashes down and it fucking sucks. It sucks so bad. Nobody fucking understands and nobody cares about me enough to even willingly try to understand. I’m so hurt about everything.

I’ve been distancing myself away from everyone besides one friend of mine, and that’s only because he’s readily available and is okay with me staying the night all the time. And now I have a weird dependency problem, now I feel weird when im not at his house or not around him because I can’t be by myself anymore.

I was by myself yesterday and I cut myself. I cut so deep in my skin that I almost reached the third layer of it. I broke my glasses and now they don’t even fit me anymore, they’re crooked. I broke my guitar stand so now I have to lean my guitar against my wall. I threw so many things, I slammed so many things, I cried until my throat was raw from screaming about how much I want to die in my pillow.

I want to die. I haven’t felt so suicidal in so long. I’m so tired of living. One of these days I’ll make my final posts on here because I can’t keep doing this anymore. I don’t know if anyone is reading these or even following me, honestly, but I’m not doing it for them. I’m just venting because I have never felt so fucking alone in my life. I’m not going to be here much longer

It’s so fucking hard being in love with two people at the same time

I still love you so much I’m sorry please come back I’m about to snap and beg you to come back I love you so much I’m sorry please forgive me I’m so sorry I miss you so fucking much I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry

I actually have not been this freaked out in forever I broke my self harm streak my stomach is swollen from how hard I beat myself everything hurts I just can’t do it anymore

Please come back to me. Please.

I dont want anybody to see me I don’t want to be around people I don’t want any of that I just want to be alone with no mirrors no nothing and just be by myself forever

If you aren’t mad at me then why the fuck are you ignoring me you dumb piece of shit I fucking hate you I fucking hate you so much if you aren’t mad and worried why aren’t you taking me seriously why the fuck won’t you just speak up like a real fucking man instead of being a fucking pussy you fucking idiot

I don’t want to live anymore dear fucking god just fucking kill me fucking kill me why can’t you fucking idiots just fucking kill me what do I have to do to fucking die. Please fucking blow my head off behead me dismember me set me on fire hang me drown me do fucking something and just kill me. I can’t do this anymore

Everyone I love and have broken up with or left are all the fucking same they always will be they will always think I’m gross or repulsive or ugly or just fucking wish that I had a fucking dick they will always cross my boundaries and prefer looking at other things besides me And think I’m fucking ugly I keep getting betrayed over and over and over and over I will never ever truly be loved for who I am I fucking hate everyone