Please Come Back To Me. Please.

Please god help me. Please just let me fucking die. I pray for my death every single night and nobody answers me. I don’t know what to do. I am not a person to anyone anymore. I’ve faded out of relevancy. I’m not important to people I care about anymore. I don’t feel loved, or appreciated, or cared for, or anything. I’m just human fucking garbage. I’m such an awful person and I would literally pay someone if they could kill me. I’m losing my mind. I’d save up so much money for someone to kill me. I would let someone kill me for free in any way they’d like just as long as I died. I just want to die. I don’t know why the universe keeps me alive because I don’t fucking belong here. I just want to fucking die. Nothing or nobody is worth living for anymore

I can’t stop relapsing I just want to fucking die man

the thing that gets me the most about ableism against pd’s is that ppl will be like “these disorders make you an ASSHOLE!!!!” and then turn around and pretend that other disorders can’t and don’t make you act shitty.

depression and anxiety can make you irritable and snappy. they can cause you to refuse to listen to people and to be distant and withdrawn. they can cause you to seem angry, bitchy, rude, uncaring, etc.

ptsd causes an array of difficulties in forming meaningful relationships. it pretty much shakes up your entire worldview and sense of self a lot of the time. ptsd can cause you to get angry often. it can cause you to yell and scream. it can cause you to withdraw from others, run away, or cut them out. it can cause general changes in demeanor and more cynical worldviews. it can make you seem grouchy, negative, explosive, impolite, difficult, needy, controlling, etc.

and yet when people with personality disorders have symptoms of that nature, suddenly we are irredeemable monsters. when it’s npd, bpd, hpd, or aspd instead of ptsd or depression and anxiety, people suddenly and magically lose the ability to be understanding.

mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. i firmly believe that. hurting others is never justified simply because you have any disorder.

but if you can be patient with people who have depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, or any other more well understood mental illness, you can be patient with us.

I can’t even vent correctly because I am paranoid

I will be rid of the world. I will be erased, eradicates, removed, and forgotten about. Everything I’ve done would’ve been for nothing, but I think it is suitable karma for wasting other people’s times and dragging them along by the ankles through Hell. My creations will be destroyed, my legacy will not be enough to be withheld, and everyone can rest in peace knowing they don’t have to deal with it anymore. They can be at peace with themselves without having to adapt to my rapid mood swings and empty threats. Not anymore. It will be what I deserve

I hate being schizophrenic because I was straight up so paranoid I was pregnant and it added onto my breakdown yesterday I beat the fuck out of my uterus and now I’m cramping and I don’t know if I work right down there anymore

I did everything for you. I was molded into the perfect person for you. God damn i miss you. I miss you so much every day.

Sometimes i delude myself into thinking that we are some sort of angsty trope, the trope where we both want and love each other but can’t have each other so we just mourn while thinking of each other positively. I cannot be more wrong. I have to stop acting like this is what’s happening.

I miss you so much. I want to talk to you one more time—PROPERLY. But even then, I don’t know what the fuck would happen. I think I’d be hurt more.

God, I fucking miss you. You’ve still left such a fucking impact on my heart. I miss you. I miss you so much and sometimes I remember how destroyed I feel when you aren’t present anymore. There are so many things I want to show you. So many things that remind me of you that I want to tell you about. So much new music I’ve found in your favorite genre. So much improvement in me that i truly thought you’d be proud of.

I wish people understood. I talk to my friends about how much I miss you sometimes, but really try to talk lightly as to not annoy anybody. They just don’t understand. They just think it’s a simple “not moving on”. It’s so much worse than that. It’s torment. It’s hell that I still love you so much and I don’t even think you care anymore.

I want to restart everything. I either want to go back in time to prevent meeting you, or go back in time to take things slower and actually do things right. Would it really ever go right, though?

I know in one universe we worked out. I wish I woke up in it sometimes.

I wish we were friends. I know it would be even more terrible than what we had, but I would do anything to just hear your voice again. I miss you so much. And it hurts knowing you don’t miss me. I have to accept it, and I have to learn not to be mad at you for it.

What anyone thinks or feels about me is none of my business. I don’t need to dwell onto what you could possibly be thinking about me, it’s quite pointless. I should be allowed to feel as deeply as I do for you still while also moving on.

I am sorry things went the way they did. I know that I was mentally fucked up, and sincerely not prepared for what was to come. We moved too fast, and while I thought it would be a good idea to get you immediately, it was truly the fear of abandonment and my insecurities. I never meant to drag you into a relationship you weren’t ready for. I wish that you would’ve told me if that was the case.

I know my communication wasn’t the best and I took out my rage onto you when there were times where you really didn’t mean it. There were just some times where it truly didn’t feel as if I was heard. I still shouldn’t have been mean. You were trying your best and that’s all that matters. You handled it well, and you did give me a lot more chances than you should’ve, and I feel I took advantage of that. I am sorry that I acted so immaturely during the relationship and after it.

I couldn’t ever mean those things. I could never, EVER pretend that those evil things I said to you were genuine. I just wanted to hurt you. It’s funny, because I love you so much yet I said shit out of malicious intent that I know cut you deep. I just wish you knew what I felt. I wish the process was gentle. I wish that we didn’t have to feel the same way while going on different paths.

I know we can’t ever have each other again, but I wanted to say thank you for the time you did spend with me. It’s fucked up that we can’t be together. You may not even feel the way I do still, and I suppose I understand. It’s not my business to understand, but to respect your choice and let you do what’s best for YOU, despite how it much it hurts me. You don’t make up my entire person, nor do you own me. I have lived without you before and I can do it again, but that doesn’t mean I want to.

Thank you so much for listening when nobody else would. You really, truly made me feel heard even if the times I split on you said otherwise. It was so enticing teaching you about my life & learning about your culture. Introducing you to music I’m passionate about and you loving it will always be etched into my brain. Smoking cigarettes while you begged me to be careful is a memory that plays often. Hearing you cry because of how much love you had for me still resides in my mind.

You have left an impact on me. I loved our memories, and I still do. Despite if you hate me or not, I hope you know im not mad at you. I still love you. I still wish the best for you. I still wish that you will recover from your self harm addiction, mental illnesses, trauma, suicidal and homicidal ideation, and everything else that may be troubling you. I want you to grow and become a better person. I still have love for you, and you may not have love for me, but that just shows how kind I really am.

I know that you did me wrong but I forgive you. Your actions were fucked up, and they did hurt a lot. I know that I hurt you too, maybe in a different way, but I still affected you. I know that no matter how much love we had or still have for each other, that there just isn’t any reason for us to be together. It hurts so much. But it’s for the best, and I want the best for you. I want the best for me.

One day I will type out my last vent about how much I love you. That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about you, or that I don’t love you anymore. It means that I am finally in a better place, and hopefully around that time, you are too. I forgive you. I apologize for my terrible actions. You are still a human throughout your flaws and mistakes. I hope that you fix yourself, and that you get to be the very best you possibly can be, whether that journey includes me or not. I love you.

I fucking miss uou I hate yyou

I need friends I need help I just need somebody I am drowning

I still love you so much I’m sorry please come back I’m about to snap and beg you to come back I love you so much I’m sorry please forgive me I’m so sorry I miss you so fucking much I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry