Experiment-48 - Failed Experiment

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jed the wolfdog is really the closest ive found to how i look. im a black and white wolfdog that has patterning similar to a husky or a malamute.

like his pattern is so close to mine.

ive been trying to look into what dog breed i might be and i found images of sled dogs that really hit home.

this one especially. i feel like my pattern is a mix between this sled dog and jeds's pattern.

and then the white parts of my fur glow blue at night..

i was born from a lab experiment in which researchers worked to synthesize a person who “deserved it” (paper fails to clarify what was meant by this)

im starting to suspect that we (the snare trap system) is another layer to the poke system.

its weird. the main system still seems to be stuck in this headspace of "we are a teen and we are still in the trauma". while our system feels more...like an actual adult? and we are able to step away from the trauma better.

the main system is stuck in the events still. like they are in a whirlpool. and we are outside observers. but we also existed in there at some point? we are just...not them anymore.

idk how else ro describe it. maybe layer is not the right term.

but the main system feels like they are still stuck in the "we are in the active abuse events". when it has been years since that has ended. we are in a safer and better place now kinda. still live with one of our kinda abusers? the main one is gone. so we are...safer than before.

it feels strange to have this sense of calm compared to Dune. Dune and I are probably the most connected out of the two systems. even Dune and Sonar are not as...similar as we are.

i feel like im a more mellow version of it. in some ways ig.

idk.

ig i shouldn't dig up too much before a stressful day. everyone in the main system is panicking and losing it. they are so scared of disappointing others. to be able to be so aware and step away from those feelings. that is what convinces me that i am totally separate from them.

i am aware i am not in the bad situation anymore. the main system is not. they still think they are a teen in many ways. i do not. they think that they are still under main abusers watch. i know that we are not.

i am clear headed rn. they are not...i wish i could help them. but their head space is like a mine field. and they are huddled in the middle of it.

i cant approach. i can only observe. Dune and Sonar are vaguely aware of me amd the others but they cannot reach us. i can see their emotions and thoughts and feelings but i cant go and talk to them.

its like being able to log into another computer in read only mode. i cannot modify anything. i can only observe. i try to leave "sticky notes" and such to help them but I know as soon as i stop fronting. there will be chaos again.

...i worry about them. but there is not much more i can do. :(

i just have to try and believe that they will be ok tomorrow.

from the cherenkov radiation wikipedia page

its just you, me, and the thick concrete wall that protects you from radiation poisoning :3

and this perfectly placed geiger counter that goes *CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK* whenever im close!

me when phantom shift(I’m also incapable of sitting normally apparently)