Me When Phantom Shift(I’m Also Incapable Of Sitting Normally Apparently)

Harley Cowan

me when me me when me when me when me me when me

i was born from a lab experiment in which researchers worked to synthesize a person who “deserved it” (paper fails to clarify what was meant by this)

i can't explain how weird it is to know i have only been aware of my existence for a short time but have memories of stuff that happened to me over like a....10 to 30 year span of time.

like no its not a lot of memories and its not a lot of detail but gonna be honest, remembering broad strokes of it is very strange.

also uhhh adapting to human body...very strange. don't like it at all. can see why the main system has such problems and feelings over it...

was listening to this song all day. idk where its from but it was reccomended to me. not even the lyrics really spoke to me its just the background music is so nice.

If it’s not at 12000cps of radiation, I’m not eating it. I know people are gonna get mad, but I’m a picky eater and you just have to accept that.

i don't like it when others refer to me as a dog.

thats something only I can call myself.

(discussing trauma related to being treated like a pet or servent, please proceed with caution. nothing graphic is discussed but just incase)

when others call me a dog...it makes me so uncomfortable and it feels like its connected to really deeply repressed problems that the overall system has had.

being treated as a servent and being seen as something less. expected to follow orders. to stay in line. to always be at beck and call.

i can call myself a dog cause that doesn't hold any meaning behind it. but when someone else starts to treat us like a dog or call us "good boy" it triggers this...fawning in us. such a deeply rooted fear. fear connected to harmful and painful consequences if we do not do what we are told. so we try to be this "good boy". do what they want and they will leave us be. that kind of thought process.

i can see why dune is so uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a collar. as nice as it would be to be able to...i feel similarly.

as something that has been treated as less than human and unworthy of basic human rights...i can see why we have such a strong want to reclaim nonhumanity for ourselves.

others can be dogs and enjoy it. but i can't. and neither can Dune. i may be a wolfdog, but i dont wanna explore any kind of possible "dogness" or breeds or anything.

im happy for those who can love being a dog and all that comes with it and enjoy the companionship of humanity.

i can remember enjoying times with the scientists too...

but i cannot allow others to refer to me as a dog or treat me like one. it is deeply deeply triggering for us.

Sonar and Dune both struggle greatly with feeling like they must serve humanity. it was so so so drilled into them that they were the ones to be walked all over and not respected.

i hold similar fears of humanity just cause that trauma runs so deep in us. i feel ashamed cause its such a...""sterotype"" of being nonhuman. unfortunately its an uncontrollable factor for us.

i cannot help that our brain has made us associate all humans with danger. its unfortunate and i want us to be able to let that go someday. but its not going to be soon.

i just...have seen others talking about hardships with being associated with dogs. and how it can be triggering. i saw a lot of ourselves in those posts.

we struggle similarly with a lifetime of having it be taught to us that we are not worthy and how below others we are.

i hope one day that i can learn to love the dog part of myself. and embrace all the quirks and joys of it. but it is not going to be soon and it hurts and causes severe flashbacks for us rn.

x