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🐺 Woofdog 🐶 - Blog Posts
i think that when the scientists released me, they put a radio collar on me. idk how it would track me cause im sure the fact that i am highly radioactive would cause issues with any sort of tracking mechanisms. but maybe the radio calls and such i hear in my head from the scientists is that radio collar.
i just remember wearing something that had a blinking light on the end of a short antenna.
i can hear the scientists making observations about me still...even though in this body, i do not wear the collar physically.
maybe they somehow modified it to transmit messages through my brain as well? so that they can communicate with me even if the collar is gone?
its too soon to try and wear collars again even if i feel i should be wearing one. even if it was myself putting the collar on me, it feels too connected to all the trauma.
im not a pet, i don't need a collar. i have too much..pain associated with being made to feel like a dog. i dont wanna trigger that stuff to the surface even if i think having a collar would be affirming in some ways.
im sad that there is so much grief and pain connected to my dog side. i want to embrace it. i want to love being a dog as much as i am a wolf. but right now is not the time and i do not have the mental strength to process that trauma.
sorry for rambling about this constantly. trying to process my thoughts and writing it down helps me process things. talking it out and such.
jed the wolfdog is really the closest ive found to how i look. im a black and white wolfdog that has patterning similar to a husky or a malamute.
like his pattern is so close to mine.
ive been trying to look into what dog breed i might be and i found images of sled dogs that really hit home.
this one especially. i feel like my pattern is a mix between this sled dog and jeds's pattern.
and then the white parts of my fur glow blue at night..
trying to navigate figuring out what content of wolf i am and what breed i am mixed with. but it is kind of triggering to sit down and think about it.
my brain is rejecting the idea that i should associate myself with dogs at all.
even though im sure im a low content wolfdog.
i hope one day i can love my dog side. and not run away from it.
i just dont wanna acknowledge that i am domestic in any way. it feels like its proving those who hurt us right.
like yeah they were right we are just some dog and trying to pretend to be feral at all is foolish.
but I know that i am feral and wild. i may be part dog but my feralness will always be stronger.
for now at least.
just until i can learn to accept that i am also part dog.
the want to gently take those i care about to a safe hovel in the woods and rest my head on them and make them feel safe. to make sure they know that my strength is there to protect them.
i am loyal to my last breath. i am as vicious as the unforgiving winter. my strength is yours, too. and only meant to hold you gently. never to keep you from venturing on your own. cause I know you are capable. but i want you to know that my strength is always there for you to dip into when you need it.
you are not alone. you do not have to fight alone.
any other canine therians live away from town n when something goes bump in the night you are ALERT and AWAKE my ears are SWIVELING and my hackles are RAISED WHERE’S THE DANGER WHERE IS IT
# 26 . 07. 24
🦴 ! There’s an assumption that all physical therians / holothere identify as an animal on a physical level due to autism, psychosis or due to forming an animal alter.
🐾 ! However, I rarely see people discuss how other aspects of mental health influence their animal identity. In my personal experience, I think that my obsessive compulsions and intrusive thoughts are a rather large part of my identity as a physical therian.
🥩 # content warning for compulsive auto-cannibalism and emetophobia warning
♟️ ! I struggle with compulsive skin eating, I have sustained great nerve damage and broken bones from this, however I cannot digest human flesh and often it comes back up shortly after.
🦴 ! I am then frequently met with the urge to feed my regurgitated flesh to my ‘pups’. Whilst I do not have any children or pets, due to hitting sexual maturity at the age of 7, I deal with incredibly overwhelming maternal instincts despite being a man.
🐾 ! I often see others want to discuss the ugly side of therianthropy, the aspects that repulse most other humans, yet outside of mild species dysphoria, I am yet to see more than a handful of creatures discuss these animalistic urges that aren’t ‘tiktok ready’.
♟️! I am a coyote through and through, not just in appearance or connection. I am more coyote than just a fluffy tail or tall ears, I am coyote in my behaviour and real life too.
i don't like it when others refer to me as a dog.
thats something only I can call myself.
(discussing trauma related to being treated like a pet or servent, please proceed with caution. nothing graphic is discussed but just incase)
when others call me a dog...it makes me so uncomfortable and it feels like its connected to really deeply repressed problems that the overall system has had.
being treated as a servent and being seen as something less. expected to follow orders. to stay in line. to always be at beck and call.
i can call myself a dog cause that doesn't hold any meaning behind it. but when someone else starts to treat us like a dog or call us "good boy" it triggers this...fawning in us. such a deeply rooted fear. fear connected to harmful and painful consequences if we do not do what we are told. so we try to be this "good boy". do what they want and they will leave us be. that kind of thought process.
i can see why dune is so uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a collar. as nice as it would be to be able to...i feel similarly.
as something that has been treated as less than human and unworthy of basic human rights...i can see why we have such a strong want to reclaim nonhumanity for ourselves.
others can be dogs and enjoy it. but i can't. and neither can Dune. i may be a wolfdog, but i dont wanna explore any kind of possible "dogness" or breeds or anything.
im happy for those who can love being a dog and all that comes with it and enjoy the companionship of humanity.
i can remember enjoying times with the scientists too...
but i cannot allow others to refer to me as a dog or treat me like one. it is deeply deeply triggering for us.
Sonar and Dune both struggle greatly with feeling like they must serve humanity. it was so so so drilled into them that they were the ones to be walked all over and not respected.
i hold similar fears of humanity just cause that trauma runs so deep in us. i feel ashamed cause its such a...""sterotype"" of being nonhuman. unfortunately its an uncontrollable factor for us.
i cannot help that our brain has made us associate all humans with danger. its unfortunate and i want us to be able to let that go someday. but its not going to be soon.
i just...have seen others talking about hardships with being associated with dogs. and how it can be triggering. i saw a lot of ourselves in those posts.
we struggle similarly with a lifetime of having it be taught to us that we are not worthy and how below others we are.
i hope one day that i can learn to love the dog part of myself. and embrace all the quirks and joys of it. but it is not going to be soon and it hurts and causes severe flashbacks for us rn.
