You Are Important And Real. You Don’t Need To Find The Right Person. You Are Not Doing It For Attention.

Everything GREAT About Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem!

Hey, Rise fans!!! Please go comment on this video asking for a Rise movie review.

They have a large platform, so we can get more people into the fandom and more people to ask @nickelodeon to bring it back!!

Zoozve, my beloved

God Dammit! 

I haven’t been a fan of TMNT for long, I was only brought into the fandom with Rise but this hurt! 

I love these boys! 

Can I kick it? (Yes, you can!)

Rise April Challenge 16: Mask

Prev - Next - Masterpost Ao3 Link: Here

(This is a bit of a long one, but I think it’s worth it. Also, I go to make April say “bitch” so that’s fun. Warning: Feels Ahead!)

The Boys were acting weird. Which was quite a feat considering that they were mutant turtles, trained in the art of Ninja-ing. April wasn't even counting the fact that they were teenagers. In April's experience, all teens were weird. So yeah, the boys were acting stranger than normal. 

It started when she went to meet them on the roof of her current job. Raph arrived first and gave his lovely snaggle tooth grin. 

"Hey, big guy!" She calls out, waving him over to sit next to her by the small wall that went around the edge of the roof. "The others on their way?" 

"They stopped by Run of The Mill to get us some pizza." He said, sitting down and crossing his legs. 

"Cool." She responded and opened her phone, expecting Raph to do the same. 

But when she looked up a few seconds later he was staring at his lap, the place where his eyebrows should have been furrowed in concentration. He was thinking very hard about something, and when Raph was thinking hard about anything it was normally meant bad news. 

"You good over there, Boss Man?" April asked. The mutant jumped a little and snapped his head towards her, a big smile twisting his face. 

"Yep! I'm good! Why wouldn't I be good? I'm the best at being good!" Raph said, words rushing out like water out of a firehose. 

...Yeah, something was definitely wrong. April put her phone down and turned to face him. 

"Come on, bud. What's going on?" she asked and tried to look him in the eyes, even as the snapper nervously turned his head away from her. "You always say that you're here for all of us, no matter what. And you know that we would do anything for you."  

Raph softened at the girl's words. He shifted and squirmed, and though it was hard to tell with his green skin, April thought she saw him blushing. She waited and didn't look away, trying to project a calm and loving aura. The turtle finally sighed and faced her. 

"I'm Ok, April. Raph promises." His smile was softer now, more real and relaxed, and April knew that that was the best she was going to get. She patted his arm, scales smooth on her hand. 

"Alright, but just know that we're here if you need help. Or if you just need to talk." She leaned back against the wall and picked up her phone again. It's best not to push her friend unless he really needs it. 

"What's your favorite color?"  

The question was sudden and so different than what they had just been talking about it took a few seconds for April's brain to process it. 

"...It's yellow, why-" She was cut off by a loud whoop and the sound of skateboard wheels, and when she looked over Leo was jumping over from the neighboring roof with a pizza box in his arms. The skateboard flipped under him and rolled across the roof as he landed next to them. Mikey and Donnie shortly appeared next to him, 

"It's Pizza Time!" Leo yelled and that was just enough of a distraction that by the time they were all settled, April had forgotten the strange question.

-

The second time was with Leo. 

They were having a makeover day, with different types of eyeshadows, blush, and nail polish spread all over the living room table. It was hard doing make-up on someone who was green, but Leo looked great if April did say so herself. They were munching on candy and watching some stupid internet challenge video, while waiting for their nails to dry when Leo asked the question. 

"So what do you use for your pigtails?" She blinked and turned to him. 

"What do you mean?" Leo had his look that he always used when he wanted to look natural but was really after something. 

"Just, you know, you always complain about how hard your hair is to style. But it always looks fabuloso, So, you know, I just wanted some tips." Leo flashed his sparkling teeth at her like it would distract her from how weird his question was. 

"You don't even have hair. What do you need tips for?" 

"Casey said that Mikey had hair in the future. I'm hoping it will grow in." April narrowed her eyes at Leo, who was examining his nails with a clearly fake casualness.  

Well... it wasn't like it was personal or anything. 

"I can't wear hair ties because my hair is too thick, they always snap and they're a pain to use. I normally just use some ribbons to tie them up." Leo smirked 

"Wow. You're sweet, strong, pretty and with a bow on top!" April shoved him away.  

"Oh, come on that was a "ribbon" good one." Uuuhhhh, why her?! 

"Ow! Alright, alright I'll stop "ribbon" on you. OW! Ok, I'll stop! Wait hold on-WAIT! APRIL, I'M SORRY! UNCLE! UNCLE!"

-

Next time was with Donnie.  

April knew the soft shell had problems with boundaries, they've had to have several interventions to explain to Donnie that "It doesn't matter if you think you know better, you can't mess with our stuff without asking." Or "I know that you wanna keep us safe, but you can't tag track us without telling us." But it was normally alright. Donnie just needs some help understanding some things, and he usually said he was sorry, even if he still insisted that he was in the right. But April had thought that Donnie at least understood the basics of social etiquette, like not digging through a girl's closet without asking! 

But when she entered her bedroom after a long day of work, there he was: sifting through her shirts with his back facing her, and with a pile on the bed that was not there when she left. 

April closed her eyes, took a deep breath in, held it, and slowly let it out and relaxed her shoulders. She gently set down her backpack and opened her eyes. 

Then she took a flying leap and tackled Donnie to the ground. 

"OW! APRIL?! You're home early. How was- OW!" April wrestled the turtle into a chokehold, holding him down as he struggled, and she hit his chest with all the rage she could muster.  

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU ASSHOLE?!" 

"Wait! April, Stop! I can explain-" 

"EXPLAINE?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" 

"Currently, I'm being beaten by a small, angry, teen-" 

"YOU DON'T JUST GO TROUGH A PERSON'S CLOSET! THAT OFF LIMITS!" 

"It wasn't like I was looking for your underwear! I was just looking at your shirts!" 

April stopped and glared down at Donnie squirming in her arms.  

"You got one chance to say something that will fix this, or I will be giving Leo an airhorn, and telling Mikey that you need more therapy." Donnie stilled. 

"You wouldn't." 

"You wanna test that?" April said, gritting her teeth. "Try me, Bitch."  

Donnie sighed in defeat. 

"I just wanted to get a sense for your style." 

What the heck? April let go of Donnie and crossed her arms. 

"Why?" 

"Style is an important part of expressing yourself, it reflects how you want others to see you, as well as what other factors like personality, overall mood, values-" They were getting too far off topic. 

"Yeah, I get all that. But why do you wanna know all that?" 

"...To be a better friend..." Donnie said with a fixed and stiff smile. April didn't stop glaring. Donnie drew back a little but stopped. The smile dropped and was replaced by a regretful look. "I'm sorry, April. I get that I was wrong and shouldn't have done that. I swear that I wasn't doing it to invade your privacy and I do have a reason. I just... can't tell you right now. But I promise I will! And I also promise that I will never do this again." 

April sighed and uncrossed her arms. She was still angry, but she had an apology and Donnie did promise. 

"Fine. But this is the only warning you'll get, and you owe me big time." 

Donnie smiled, a real one this time. It was soft and grateful, and felt so sincere that it threw her for a loop when she saw it. It didn't feel like it matched the situation at all. 

"Of course. Anything you want."

-

The third time was with Mikey.  

She had woken up in the middle of the night to find him hanging upside down outside her window, tapping on the glass. She stumbled out of bed, and towards the window to open it. 

"Mikey? What are you doing? It's late." 

"Sorry, I just needed to ask you something." 

... 

... 

Why did it have to be April? 

She thought about just slamming the glass in his face and going to bed, but, knowing Mikey, that would not deter him. So, she just sighed. 

"What is it?" The turtle dug around in his pockets and shoved two small squares of fabric in her face.  

"Which do you like better?" He asked, smile never leaving his face. She was too tired of this, but she still reached out and felt the squares. 

"This one," she said holding one up. Mikey took them back and nodded. 

"Great. Thanks, April. Night." He vanished into the shadows and was gone. 

April shut the window and fell to bed, too sleepy to care what on earth that was all about.

-

The last time, it was with all of them. 

A few days later, she walked into the living room and found the four brothers sitting on the floor in silence. 

Raph had called April a few minutes and asked her to head down to the lair as soon as she could, that it was important. He had said that nothing was wrong when she had asked, but with the way they were all gathered in a semicircle with serious looks on their face it felt like they wear going to tell her someone died. 

What was happening?!

April walked and sat down with a thump in front of them and narrowed her eyes. The tension in the room was thick, but she wasn’t going to back down from whatever this was. She would face it head on and beat it into submission. She wouldn’t run, not from her friends, not from whatever this was. 

“What’s going on?” she asked, staring into each of their eyes. They stared back. 

“We wanted to give you something,” Raph said, sounding calm and centered. But there was a lilt to his voice, a quake that made him sound... nervous? 

The red turtle reached behind him and handed over a flat white box. April took it and saw Mikey wriggle out the corner of her eye.   

This felt... big. Like some kind of old sacred ritual. It felt as though there was something else in the room, a presence that made every move seem purposeful and heavy. It made her hair stand on end.  

April placed the box in her lap and looked at the brothers. Each of them was turned away and... blushing? 

Screw it. She’d just have to rip the Band-Aid off. 

She opened the box. 

Inside, was a mask.  

She froze when she saw it, its long tails spread out and the eye holes stared back at her. 

It was yellow.  

“What’s your favorite color?” 

She reached down and touched it. She knew this fabric. 

“Which of these do you like better?” 

That wasn’t all that was in the box though. There were also two long, green ribbons, knotted at the ends, and strung through a beaded charm, that glinted in the light. It was the symbol of the Hamato Clan. 

“We were thinking you could use them for your hair.” Leo said, his eyes locked on the floor and skin a bright pink when April whipped her wide eyes up to look at him. “Because you can’t wear the mask all the time like us.”  

"So, what do you use for your pigtails?" 

“We wanted to make sure it could be something you could wear without it looking out of the ordinary for you.” Donnie added, scratching the back of his hand. 

"I just wanted to get a sense for your style."  

April looked down at the box in her hand. Her hands trembled. 

This was-

Her vision blurred. 

So, all this time it was-  

Her throat went tight. 

She had called them her brothers before, had called them her family. But she had always worried that she was wrong, that it was just her that felt like that. But this was an undeniable confirmation that yes, you are Hamato. You are our sister. We love you.

“It’s ok if you don’t want-” She lunged forward before that sentence could be finished and wrapped them in a hug. She clung to them desperately, trying to pull them closer and closer. She buried her face in someone's chest and sobbed. Tears and snot ran down her face as she kept whispering: “Thank you, thank you, thank you, I love you, thank you.” over and over again. 

The mask lay on one floor, having fallen out of its box, and the two charms glinted like distant stars. All the while, the Hamato Clan children hugged and cried together. 

Prev - Next - Masterpost Ao3 Link: Here Please check out @zee-rambles who came up with this challenge (you can blame them for the feels) and look at @rise-april-art-challenge to see more submissions by other fans. Please give me feedback if there is anything I should work on.

Amazing and needs to be seen by others

Thanks Techno. Good night. o7

Rise April Challange Day 3: Casey And Casey Jr

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Ao3 Link: here

!TW! Talk of Grief and Loss !TW!

Casey Jones doesn’t remember his mother well. He doesn’t mind too much; he’s lost so many people over his short life. Everyone in the future had, and he's still trying to get used to the idea that isn't normal here. So, he's kind of grateful that he only has vague and blurry memories of her. It means that he doesn’t have much to grieve for.  

He knows that’s shitty to say, but he thinks in his circumstances it’s fair. He’s lost so many people, he’s lost everyone, his whole world. Yeah, it was shitty, coated in blood, grime, and krang flesh. But it was his. He was born into it, it helped make him, and it held everything he had ever loved.  

Master Michelangelo, with his flowing movements and soft sparking magic lifting him high enough to see the world bathed in unworldly light and color that only the two of them could see.  

Commander O’Neil, hugging him with scared arms with a quite “Try to keep up, Jr.” Diving into battle, smiling with bloody teeth as she tore apart burning metal machine.  

The quiet and lonely shrine with a huge, spiked shell that hung on the wall with a pair of cracked purple goggles with red and blue lenses on the table below. Where his family always gathered before a mission, just sitting and holding each other, with hushed ‘I love you’s and ‘be safe’s on their tongues.  

And of course, Master Leonardo. Who had tried so hard to be a father to him, even though he was fighting a war that he knew he was losing, even as he held the lives of everyone on his shoulders. He had tried so hard to be a father that he always said Casey deserved.  

He had lost all of them.  

So... yeah. Casey was grateful that he didn’t have another person to morn.  

But... his mom was here. Alive. And he had to keep himself from panicking because he had time to figure out what to say when you're meeting a version of a mother you had never really known. He thought he had time. He didn’t.

-

Casey Jr sits ramrod straight on his spot on the couch, across from the intimating woman across from him. His mom (mom, mom, MOM!) Stares across from her with sharp eyes and narrowed in what looks like anger, and Casey's mind is very split on this.  

One half of his brain is just screaming that she’s here and alive and real! Not just a story, or a memory that he isn’t totally sure he didn’t just make up. She’s really sitting across from him, and he can see his eyes and hair on her face. And somehow this is the most earth-shattering thing that has happened to him. Or at least the only part of this disaster that he can process.  

The other half of him is trying to decide what should happen now, what he should do or say. He isn’t given the chance to figure out because she speaks first and Casey Jones the Second hears the first words he ever heard his mother say.  

“Do I need to start a collage fund?”  

It’s... it’s absurd, and out of nowhere, and said with such seriousness that it makes Casey break down into laughter that shakes his whole body. He bows over trying to get enough air into his lungs because this is so stupid and chaotic and that probably (is) the best thing you could say in a situation like this. What is his life?  

“No-No!” He says between laughs. “I don’t think-” He breaks into more laughter. “I don’t think I need that.”  

He continues to laugh as she stands, hesitates and then marches to the seat next to him, sits down just as straight as Jr had a moment ago, and stiffly hugs him to her side. He wheezes through his laughter.  

“What-what are you doing?” Casey manages to hiss out.  

“I have been told that mothers are meant to comfort their children when they are crying.”  

Crying? Was he- Oh... yes, he was. At some point his laughs had begun to turn into sobs, and tears had leaked down his face. Everything had just hit him all at once, and he just... couldn’t anymore. He leans down and wipes his nose and eyes, and just breathes.  

“Sorry,” he says. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”  

“It’s alright.” Cassandra (Mom? Casey Sr?) responds, still holding his shoulder.  

It takes a miniate before either of them can do anything other than look over each other, looking over every similarity and difference. Then Mom (Cassandra?) meets his eyes and with a stone face asks what Casey thinks she’s been wanting to since she saw him.  

“Can you tell me how I die?” The time traveler looks away.  

“What makes you think you did?” He doesn’t think he can look at her right now.  

“Because I would not be so foolish or weak as to let my son travel through time!” She says it like he just insulted her, and he wants to argue but...  

“Infection.” He answers. “Which is impressive considering that when you were found you had one arm missing and had been impaled at least 5 times. You lasted about a week after that.” It’s easier to say than he likes. There is silence. Then:  

“I am... happy that I did not abandon you.” He turns to his mom, and she doesn’t look at him, staring past him and he makes a realization. That this whole conversation is as hard and awkward for her as it is for him, and he doesn’t know why it took him so long to realize that. Hell, they're almost the same age! He smiles and faces her completely, pulling on the quiet patience of Master Leonardo.

“I know that this is insane, and neither of us had time to really think about it. But if it helps, I don’t think we need to decide what or how we feel right now.” She pulls a face at the talk of “feelings,” but does relax slightly.  

“Very well. Until we become comfortable with the reality of this situation. Would you be amenable to the title of my brother? I... am uncertain of being refired to as a mother.” Brother? That could work. Casey grips Cassandra’s hand.   Yes, it's Cassandra for now. Maybe for forever, but that would be ok too.

“Sounds good.” 

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Please check out @zee-rambles as the one who came up with this challenge. Also take a look at @rise-april-art-challenge​ for more submissions. Please give feedback if I need to work on something.

A Gift for @allosaurids

Summary:

This is inspired by @cupcakeslushie Feral Leo AU.

After Leo comes back from the prison dimension scared and battered, Raph is just trying to survive the night and help Leo come back to them.

Even though he questions if there is any part of Leo left to return to them.

-

The vision in Raph's right eye is fuzzy and out of focus, and his arm on that side is throbbing and twitching uncontrollably. In fact, the whole of his right side feels wrong, alternating between numbness, and feeling like a thousand sharp needles are tearing and shredding at his skin and muscles. 

He needs rest. He knows he needs rest. But he can't, not yet.  

His mind is a field of landmines, and if he thinks too long about what could have happened, what did happen, he's going fall apart, and Raph can't afford that. Not now, when the injuries of the invasion are still raw and bleeding, still all too present. He can't rest yet; he needs to wait for his family and him to begin to heal.  

But Raph has a feeling that they never will be completely fine after this again. Especially Leo, who crouches in the corner of the dark med bay, eyes wide, wild, and unseeing.  

Raph is sitting in the opposite corner, curled inwards in an attempt to appear smaller and less of a threat, and just looks at his brother.  

His brother who spent years in the prison dimension, when for them it had only been minutes. Who has thick, jagged scars across his body that hadn’t been there at the beginning of this nightmare, nails and teeth that are sharp and cracked, and at the center of it all: a huge crack down his shell that none of them can treat because he won't let them close enough to do so.  

The two brothers watch each other in the dim light and take in each other. Leo with a scared and uncertain gaze, that shifts from Raph to the other shadows in the room. While Raph just looks and tries to take in all the changes that Leo has gone through.  

Raph wishes he could have stopped it, that he had taken Leo’s place, that none of this ever happened.  

He wishes he could tell Leo that he’s sorry.  

But he can’t. Not in a way that Leo would be able to understand right now. 

So, Raph does the only thing he could think of to calm down the scared rabid animal that had taken the place of his little brother. He hums. 

It’s a deep, rumbling, purring, hum that doesn’t come from his throat, but from the space between his lungs. He hadn’t done this in years, not since they were all tots, but it had always calmed him and the others down and he was praying it would work here. 

It didn’t seem to be working, Raph wasn’t even sure Leo was hearing it. 

Then, Raph felt a flicker of pain scatter across his arm, and he flinched.  

Dammit, not again!

He groaned and curled inward bracing for what was about to happen. 

The parts of him that had been fused with the kraang flared in agony. Burning sharp pain that made him want to scratch and tear at his skin to get it out. His whole-body shook, his eyes watered, and Raph knew that all he could do was ride it out.  

But, God, he just wanted it to stop.  

The episode went on for what was likely just a few minutes, though it felt longer, wearing down Raph’s already weak mental defenses and allowing the memories of everything that had happened to invade the parts of his mind not already overwhelmed with the pain. Why couldn’t this horrible day just be over already?! 

Raph felt something brush against his left arm.  

The snapper whipped around and pressed himself deeper into the corner to get away from whatever had managed to sneak up on him. But as he did so, whatever had touched him skittered backwards with a hiss.  

Leo hunched inwards on himself staring at Raph with fear and expectance, but Raph froze. For a few seconds neither of them moved, then Leo leaned forward and audibly sniffed the air. After a second, the slider took a step forward and made a soft clicking noise.  

"...Hurt?" Leo managed to rasp; voice uncertain but his face a mix of apathy and fear. Raph managed a small nod, too scared to make any move or noise that could frighten Leo back into the opposite corner. The younger just sniffed the air again and shuffled closer. Without taking his eyes off Raph, Leo reached out with one dirty clawed hand and placed it atop his brother's bandaged wrapped arm.  

It took everything Raph had not to flinch at the contact, as it caused the pain to spike and be brought to the forefront of his mind again. Leo ran his hand over the bandage, squinting down at it with his still cloudy eyes. He took the larger hand into his own and ran his fingertips down it and turned it over.  

He's looking for blood, Raph realized. Checking to see if the bandages needed replacing. Just like he always does when one of us is hurt.  

The thought gives him a terrible hope that maybe a part of Leo survived whatever had happened to him.  

Leo's administrations hurt more than they help, because there are no cuts to bleed, and his bandages are clean. But Raph allows it because it's the closest Leo has been to normal since they got him back, and he's not going to ruin this. He stays still, even when Leo moves his examination from his arm up to his eye, and, upon finding nothing to treat, onto the rest of him. 

When it's over, Raph is still just as hurt and tired as when they started, but Leo looks more present than he has since they got him back. The younger pulls back and faces Raph head-on. His mouth twists like he wants to say something, but he doesn't even try to open his mouth and vocalize it, which is so unlike the Leo that Raph knows.  

That's okay, Raph still has his voice, and he can talk for them both for now.  

"Thanks for the help, Lee," He whispers. Leo squirms under his gaze, then makes us sharp hissing click before turning away.  

Raph briefly panics that he did something wrong before he sees Leo moving towards the medical cot in the center of the room. The older relaxes realizing that Leo is just going back to bed now that he knows everything's all right. Or so he thought. Because Leo is coming back with the pillows and blankets that had covered the bed.  

He puts the pillow up against the wall next to Raph, then takes the large sheet and throws it over Raph's head. Leo sits down with the pillow protecting his injured and broken shell and arranges the blanket around his older brother. When he's done, he just curls slightly into his shell and stares out over the dark med bay, searching for a threat that isn’t there. 

The dangerous hope has taken root in Raph's chest, and he prays that Leo is still there.  

For a few minutes they just sit like that. Then Leo struggles out a single word.  

"Real?"  

For a moment Raph's not sure what he's talking about, then he remembers all the horrible things the kraang could make him see when it forced itself into his mind. An overwhelming sense of grief threatens to swallow him whole, and he moves to take Leo's hand in his. To try and convince his younger brother that yes, this is real, and he is safe now. But he stops himself.  

Memories of what it was like being held captive by the kraang, about how they clung to every part of you, and how their touch was unescapable, flashed across his thoughts.  

No, touch wasn't a good idea. But the idea of not being able to cling to some part of Leo was worse. 

So, Raph does the only thing he could think of, he reached up and undid his bandana from his head. He wrapped one of the fraying ends around his own hand and offered the other out to Leo.  

For a moment Leo just stared, eyes flickering between Raph and the red fabric.  

"Take it," Raph offered, and Leo's face filled with the same dangerous hope that had blossomed in Raph's chest. Leo shakily gripped the other end of the bandana, and Raph pulled it taut between them.  

They had done this when they were younger too, mostly when Donnie didn't feel that he could touch anything but still wanted to know his brothers were nearby. It feels wrong using it like this, but it's the only thing that Raph can think of. 

"This is real," Raph promised, tears flowing out of his eyes. "You're safe now." 

Leo’s empty gaze returned to scanning the dark room, but his grip tightened on the bandana, and after quiet moment Leo began to hum in the same way Raph had done earlier. 

Raph closed his eyes, pain still shooting up and down his skin and returned his brother’s attempt to soothe them with his own rumblings. 

They would both be healed soon; they just needed a little time. 

-

Sooooo, I'm kinda sliding in under the buzzer here.

I rewrote this at least five times, and still wasn't satisfied with it. But @allosaurids deserves a gift, so I just had to go with it.

Thank you to @rottmnt-secret-gifting for hosting, and to the receiver of this gift I ask permission to be able to post this on Ao3.

Thank you.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT! YOU GAVE ME THE PROMPTS! HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO WRITE ABOUT AN ADORABLE PAPER NINJA LEARNING ABOUT PAIN WHEN YOU MADE HIS NICKNAME ONE OF THE PROMPTS!

ALSO! "SPOILING" YOU?!!

I-

YOU-

SHUT UP!

Rise April Challenge 15: Buddy

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Buddy really liked his friends. They were fun, and always fixed him up when he got torn up. They were great!

Sometimes they got torn up too. But it was different than when he was ripped. A bit of tape and paper and he was fine, but his friends didn’t work like that.  

They leaked when they got a tare, apparently it was called “bleeding,” and they needed to wait a long time to get better. Thankfully Blue-Friend was very good at fixing human rips and holes, they also were harder to rip them than Buddy.

But there was another thing that was different.

Keep reading

I am a girl. I am a girl because everyone my whole life has told me so. I am a girl because I wear skirts and dresses, because I like talking about boys with other girls. I am a girl because I wear bras, and need tampons, and need to shave my legs every week. I am a silly younger sister, and a caring older sister. I am a girl because my body chose to be a girl, and I love being one.

But I want to be a boy. I want to be muscular and strong, and to have a flat chest. I want to shop in the men's section for button downs, and shorts with large pockets. I want someone to look at me and think "He's so handsome." I want to own Nerf guns, and climb trees while scraping my knees. I want to be a mischievous little brother, or protective older one. I want to be a boy. But I am not. Because I am a girl.

Sometimes I want to be a mix of the two. I want to be a boy who wears skirts and high heels, and doesn't feel like any less of a man. I want to be a girl who intimidates and works long days to provide for her family, and who is still seen as a woman. I want to go a long time without washing my hair or shaving, and still be called Miss in the grocery store. I want to wear makeup and curl my hair, and still be told what a fine young man I am. But I cannot. Because I am just a girl.

Sometimes, when I am alone, I will take off my clothes and look in the mirror. At my body, who chose to be a girl. (Though I do not hate it because of that choice. It did not know that the soul that lived inside of it would not match.) And I will say to myself "I am a girl", and for that second I will be. Then I will say I am a boy, and I will become one for that moment. Sometimes I will say " I am a boy and a girl." and I can be both. Other times I will say "I am just a person." And my concept of gender will fade for that moment.

But after, the words will fade and I'll put my clothes back on. And I will be just a girl again. Not because I chose to, but because that is what I have been told my whole life.

I am a girl because everyone has told me so, and they will never see me as anyone else.

(This is my experience as a multi-gendered individual. I do not speak for anyone in the community except myself. People have different experiences with gender and sexuality. Nothing is universal. If you want to understand someone, ask about their own experiences. Don't presume. Make sure to take care of yourself.)