It’s Not Like I’m A Cartman Apologist But Every Time I See People Genuinely Hating This Boy I Want

i was thinking a lot about stan and kyle’s attitude to romantic relationships and romance in general. and what about stan’s mental problems, i’ve decided that i strongly headcanon him as a hyperromantic person.

like, when he grows up he starts having constant romantic thoughts, he “crushes” on every person he had barely talked to and has an endless anxiety on the basis of intrusive hyperromantic made up scenarios in his head.

i just find it somehow suitable for him cause he has shown to be very sensitive + he’s the only boy having such a long term relationship and he genuinely CARES about romance.

and i honestly think he gets REALLY confused when it comes to any romantic feelings (that, and also he’s still in denial of his bisexuality + i hc him having a big one-sided crush on kyle that he hasn’t realised yet)

BY THE WAY kyle, on the contrary, is very much indifferent about romance except for when its eric.

like i strongly believe that any “normal” kind of relationship makes him bored so he can only experience romantic feelings when there had been a looong rivalry-like connection and constant fights first. he also is very slow to develop these crushes.

and he, just as stan, doesn’t really understand his feelings (remember how he was told that he is in love with heidi and he’s like “no im not!!! …….am i????”) boyyyyyy😭

y’know who’s the biggest kyman hater on earth? stan marsh.

so i’ve written some headcanons about kyman’s love languages right here, and i mentioned cartman being absolutely disgusting with his pda, so i think he’d like pissing both kyle and stan with kissing and being affectionate to kyle in public.

‘cause, you know, when kyle and stan are talking to each other and ignoring cartman’s Very Important Presence, he actually tries to be patient but then he finally fails and sneaks up to kyle and does something unexpected like sitting on kyle’s laps or biting his neck with the most innocent face. and that’s it. kyle.exe stopped working, he’s completely distracted and stan is irritated af looking at satisfied cartman. so they have this conversation every time stan and kyle want to hang out together:

stan: No, no, wait, dude, don’t tell me Cartman’s gonna be here all the time!

cartman: What’s the matter, Stan? You’re jealous of me and Kahl having this wonderful relationship you’d never have?

stan: First of all: gross. Secondly: I hate you, Cartman, and I totally disrespect you, Kyle, for dragging him to every walk we have.

kyle: Oh, come on, dude, don’t be such a drama queen, you won’t even notice his presence! Just ignore him.

cartman: Hey! >:[

stan: No-o, I know how it always happens. Every time I talk to you for more than a few minutes this asshole gets bored and distracts you with some disgusting things like licking your neck or, I dont know, sitting on your laps.

kyle: Oh, please, that happened only once or twice! Look, I’m a mature and conscious person, I can ignore Cartman when I want to.

cartman: Ha! Lying jew. You can’t resist me.

kyle: Shut up, Fatass!

stan: See?? That’s what I was talking about. You never pay attention to anything when he’s around!

kyle: I resent these baseless accusations.

in kyle's defense, i want to say that he will eventually handle this so it won’t affect his friendship with stan. stan may be acting all grumpy and whiny about kyman’s relationship but he really is kind of supportive of them and is happy his best friend finally found someone to be together with. even if this “someone” is eric cartman.

“oh, i have so many otps in south park i’m a total multishipper and am open to every possible dynamic!”

*continues talking about kyman and nothing but kyman*

both kyle and cartman joined the debate club in high school. kyle thought it would help him with his public speaking skills and improve his critical thinking, meanwhile cartman was just looking for an opportunity to release the anger and stress he had and fucking destroy someone in a verbal fight.

and – uh-oh, such a coincidence – they both joined it at the same time without knowing it.

kyle was obviously pissed off, and he was actually thinking of quitting, because the idea of spending school hours arguing with cartman didn’t really seem appealing to him, but eventually his pride wouldn’t let him simply give up.

“I can be in any club I want, and I won’t let Cartman fucking ruin it for me! You’ll see, dude, he’ll drop out in one or two meetings when I absolutely win him in a debate!” as he then explained to stan.

kyle was preparing for the first debate harder than for any of his normal school activities. he would spend nights perfecting his reasoning and making a plan for his speech, until he was absolutely sure cartman had zero chances to win.

the theme was something controversial like, i’m not sure, politics or something, and kyle was totally sure that cartman would come unprepared, because he hates anything homework-like, and he ususally prefers improvising.

he was wrong, though, as cartman has been preparing. he entered the classroom with a small stack of papers with his reasoning on them, he was smiling brightly and joking, and kyle for the first time felt insecure about his skills. he felt rather nervous as he knew that cartman’s charisma and the ability to tell lies in the blink of his eye made kyle look worse in a debate, but he still hoped the teacher had some common sense and wouldn’t let cartman blind them with his confident smiles and fake politeness.

but the nervous anxious feeling in kyle’s chest wouldn’t go away, so when cartman started speaking, kyle couldn’t just stay quiet, sighing irritatedly when cartman said things like “violence is bad”. as kyle knew damn well that’s not what cartman actually thought.

so when the debate was coming to its end and cartman was giving another hypocritical speech, kyle just couldn’t be silent anymore, interrupting cartman with his new counter arguments (and adding some insults as well). cartman, of course, lost his temper too, and the constructive discussion instantly became a heated bickering. teachers tried to stop it but when kyle and cartman are fighting literally nothing can distract them.

cartman: Look, capitalism is just the natural way of things. It's the perfect system, without it everything would fall apart!

kyle: How can you be sooo blind and ignorant to everything?! Capitalism breeds inequality, it's the reason behind a lot of problems in our society, you just don't know it because you haven't experienced all the struggles, you fat privileged fuck!

cartman: Oh, I’m privileged?? Well, you’re just a whiny jew who can't handle the truth. You're just jealous your greedy ass can't make money yourself!

kyle: Shut up, Cartman, I’m warning you!

after a few antisemitic-fatphobic-homophobic slurs they were both kicked out and banned from entering the club again.

they both seemed disappointed and annoyed by it, but cartman had a smug smirk on his face, feeling proud of making kyle mad.

they wouldn’t stop their fight though, arguing all the way back home, without being pressured or watched, and kyle caught himself thinking that arguing with cartman is pretty, well, addicting and he might actually be enjoying it.

at the end they decided it’s a tie, and for the goodbye cartman says something like “Well, you’re annoying as fuck, but I gotta hand it to you, you’re good at debating. Who even needs that stupid club, anyway?”

and kyle smiles, nodding. “Next week, the same time” he says already walking away from Cartman.

and they meet again, choosing a topic and preparing for the debate by themselves because they don’t need a club to argue with each other.

i love how stan marsh is canonically the biggest ally and closeted bi or gay in south park

@bloogers-boogers @hatsunevitu (this is a joke about Cartman’s dad for anyone that didn't get it)

perhaps making my whole personality about two cartoon ten years old boys was a mistake

my favorite thing on earth is definitely the look on cartman’s face when he genuinely enjoys hanging out with kyle and they dont fight

we have the same name and both ship kyman i think its meant to be/j

WAIT WHATS UR NAME (/j but yeah vita is just one of the forms of my name?? i guess??)

AWWW THATS SO COOL kymans gotta stick together!!! >:]]