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Latest Posts by hello-apes-of-the-world - Page 3
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol* moon’s stuck in a time loop. do you have extra ammo? this won’t be enough. nasa employee: enough for…what? astronaut: *finding extra clip of ammo, pocketing it, and getting back on the rocket-ship* don’t worry about it!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *emerging from supply closet with a space harpoon, getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: what? nasa employee: how did you know what i was going to say? astronaut: *punching in key pad code for base evacuation signal, getting back on the rocket-ship* i told you…moon’s stuck in a time loop. *red warning lights begin flashing*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *rifling thru bookshelf of operating instructions, selecting one that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: moon’s stuck in a time loop. hey, do you have anything to eat? i’m starving. *opens random drawer, finds nothing, closes it* nasa employee: a time loo- uh, we don’t have food in here…we can’t…eat in the control room, only the break-room. astronaut: *sighs* nasa employee:…my lunch is in like 10 minutes, though, and if my lunch is actually STILL THERE and not STOLEN, AGAIN, i can share it with yo- astronaut: nah, that’s ok…no time. *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* or…too much time. but thanks, anyway. OK, bye! *alarm begins blaring* nasa employee: you’re…welcome? wait, a TIME LOOP?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: yup. nasa employee: …? astronaut: *sitting down next to nasa employee* so…do you ever like…wonder what the meaning of life is? the secrets of the universe? nasa employee: aren’t you supposed to be ON the MOON?! *alarm begins blaring* nasa employee: hey, what the hell is that? astronaut: that’s the code red override klaxon. moon’s stuck in a time loop. oh, and there’s an explosion imminent. But don’t worry, we can deal with that tomorrow. So, you have any siblings? *pulls beer out of space suit, cracks tab* want a drink?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: do you know frank in IT? nasa employee: what? astronaut: do you know frank, who works in IT? nasa employee: yeah, but why are you guys back so early? astronaut: moon’s stuck in a time loop. call frank, tell him there’s a virus in the security patch and the system’s compromised. then get the hell out of the base. nasa employee: wait what? what? where are you guys going? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* back to the moon. it’s stuck in a time loop. call frank! nasa employee: *picks up phone* ugh, straight to voicemail. i wonder wha- *alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: *grim silence* nasa employee: i said, you guys are back early…hey, what are you…? astronaut: *randomly opening drawers until they find a pair of scissors and some duct tape, getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop. *sticks head back out the door of the rocket-ship* by the way, if you go to the break-room in exactly 2 minutes and 45 seconds, you’ll catch the person who’s been stealing your lunches for the past two weeks. nasa employee: what?! WHO IS IT?! *alarm begins blaring* nasa employee: *running for the break-room* FUCK!!!!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *sits down, sighs, pulls a beer out from their spacesuit* moon’s stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: …ok, and? hang on, how did you get a beer? you can’t have that in here. astronaut: what do you know about project floyd? nasa employee: I mean, the usual amount? i’m not really on the project anymore, why? *alarm begins blaring* astronaut: COME WITH ME TO THE ROCKET-SHIP, we don’t have ti-
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: yeah. moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop. see you tomorrow. maybe. nasa employee: WHAT?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *sighs, rubs hands over face, and loads pistol, before getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop. and, uh…you should call your mother like you’ve been meaning to. and tell her you’re not actually mad and that you will come to dinner tonight. you’re gonna be hungry. nasa employee: wait, what? WHAT?? how do you know my mom?! why am i gonna be - *alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” starting to get back on the rocket-ship, but dropping everything with a horrendous clatter* FUCK! goddamn moon’s stuck in a time loop. *alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? also, hey, where’d you get that duffel bag? astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” shoving them into the bag, and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl- astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately* nasa employee: what? WHAT?! astronaut: *loading a single pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop, sweetheart. nasa employee: what?!? astronaut: a time loop!!! i love you!!! get out of the base!!! stay alive!!! nasa employee: *presses fingers to lips, confused but intrigued, as alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee:…. nasa employee:… nasa employee: ho hum what a regular day at the office *alarm begins blaring* nasa employee: what the hell is that?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl- astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately* nasa employee: what? what?! WHAT!?!? also, hey, where’d you get that duffel bag? astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” shoving them into the bag, then cupping nasa employee’s cheek with free hand* moon’s stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: the moon’s stuck in a what?! astronaut: a time loop, sweetheart, but we don’t have much time ourselves, so you have to listen to me RIGHT now nasa employee: *faintly* …“sweetheart”?! astronaut: in 2 minutes and a few seconds, you need to go into the break-room and find frank. nasa employee: wait, frank from IT? astronaut: yes. nasa employee: how do you know he’s gonna be in the break-room? i can’t just call him at his desk right now? astronaut: how do i know this?! because, one, time loop, ok? and…also…because…heismaybetheguywhohasbeenstealingyourlunchfortwoweeks nasa employee: that BASTARD i KNEW it astronaut: BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT’S IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. hey! listen to me! go in there, catch him red-handed with your burrito, and tell him lunch is on you FOREVER if he goes RIGHT NOW and checks the last security patch - because there’s a virus and the whole system’s compromised. then you need to get the hell out of this base, ok? nasa employee: …ok. ok. and…and what about you? astronaut: *cocking pistol and getting back into rocket-ship with duffel bag* me? i’m gonna shoot for the moon.
EPILOGUE:
nasa employee: so, how many loops in total? astronaut: i mean, it was hard to keep track. somewhere around six months, if i had to guess. nasa employee: damn. astronaut: yeah. nasa employee: and in those six MONTHS, the best zinger you came up with was “shoot for the moon”? astronaut: hey, you know what, i had some other stuff on my mind! nasa employee: i mean, i guess. it sounded like you found time to flirt with me each time. astronaut: yeah, like i said. other stuff on my mind. *they look at each other, blush, and look away* astronaut: sooooooo. you’re sure your mom is cool with me coming over for dinner? nasa employee: can’t make the day any weirder. plus, i owe you for ratting out frank, right? astronaut: he did help us save the world; we can’t be too mad at him. nasa employee: you’ve had a little while to get over it, i might need some more time. and it wasn’t even your food! astronaut: ok, that’s fair. what if i buy you lunch to make up for it? nasa employee: hmm, when? astronaut: tomorrow? nasa employee: well, i’ll have left overs from my mom, and you might too if you play your cards right. day after tomorrow? astronaut: honestly, anytime is good for me.
*FADE TO BLACK*
i feel like this is pretty self explanatory
Loki was the first iteration of mpreg. I will take no questions
counterpoint: French
how can any language be ‘ugly’ if it’s always also the language passed along from a mother to her child, the language of two lovers in the dark, the language of stories told by grandfathers, the language of vows and eulogies, the language of learning and singing and feeling and connection and culture… how is all of that not inherently beautiful
he tries to fuck a hole in his hand so Blake “most fuckable rib cage” now has competition
so are the cum wizards also in pact or only in pale
Storage is the defining problem of our age. Two hundred years ago, our ancestors had fifteen or twenty things in their houses, max. And one of them was "bed." Now, we have a lot of clutter. Sure, it's down from the peak of the 1970s, when we needed thirty-six different pieces of electrical equipment just to listen to racist people in our general area, but we still have too much stuff.
Self-storage companies have exploded. Not literally, although that did happen to the one near me from some dude cooking shatter, but they are immensely profitable. If you receive a bunch of heirloom furniture from Crazy Aunt Ethel, you won't have enough room for it in your single bedroom basement apartment. You shove all of it into a self-storage bay, and keep paying the monthly bills, waiting until you can have a house big enough to place some heirloom furniture in.
The storage companies know this. They'll give you a low "sucker" rate at the start, and then start cranking up the fees. And you'll keep paying them. It's cheaper to kick in $5 more a month, than it is to ask your friend Ted to borrow his pickup truck so that you can drive all your shit across town to a competing storage unit, who will do the exact same thing.
How do you fight back, ideally without having to throw away a bunch of coffee tables from 1953 and incurring the eternal wrath of Aunt Ethel's shade? You have to let the storage unit make money for you. The obvious way is electricity. With electricity, you can run all kinds of things, from a seedy cryptocurrency mining operation, to an illegal online betting parlour. And the storage folks know this, which is why they don't provide power to your unit, and wrap the unit's lightbulb in an impenetrable steel cage. They are used to dealing with your average, run-of-the-mill cheap scumbag.
Don't let that stop you: despite what your neurochemistry is telling you, you are an exceptional cheap scumbag. You don't need their electricity; you can generate your own. The answer? Rats love running on little hamster wheels. You can make thirty, forty cents a month, per wheel. That's money in your pocket, and all it will cost you is a bit of expired cheese and a lot of old Subaru blower motors. Sure, it's not going to be great for any couches or clothing that you leave in the unit, but who ever heard of a heirloom sofa bed? Throw that shit out, ideally by leaving it in a unit and no longer paying the bill. You don't need to cling to memories: you're rich now, atop your rodent power empire.
They all agree it’s both
The Smash Bros. cast swapping anecdotes about their various evil doppelgangers and Mario getting into an argument about whether Wario counts.
holy fuck universal gaslight god is terrifying but the fact the press secretary is so scary is so good, and the best part he might not even realize it
like i’m 50/50 does he know what he’s doing or is Shrews whole area actually just way more fucked up than inner Glottage and those threats don’t really exist in Glottage
you can escape just cut your stomach open with a knife 👍
trust me
This Flesh Prison cannot hold me.
Some people have been reading Pale and say the most recent chapter was homophobic. I don't agree, but there has been some discussion of that one bit.
i mean i kinda see it but eh
how the hell does Blake have more votes than Avery or Verona, he’d probably trip and lose like seriously i get the those two aren’t direct combatants but neither are push overs and both are good in chaos like a huge 7 way brawl, Avery does her flanking taking out anyone at the edges not paying attention and Verona just runs around throwing potions and being a nuisance
No one reads Pale which makes me so sad cause there’s so much cool shit in there and this latest chapter has so much smart people could examine to the point that even i can but no one would listen or understand any of it
Rose is piteous she’s just confident enough and an asshole enough so you don’t realize
one thing wildbow wont tell you about blake and rose is theyre the same height shes not even shorter than him. she is also six feet and rectangular and could punch someone hard enough to severely disorientate them. and both of their hair is like 16 inches long. the only difference is rose doesn't put it in a french braid and also she has tits and also she's not as piteous.
eat ice
i like the crunch so i eat a lot of it
Fellow ADHDers, how do you stay adequately hydrated?
fuck this
hey @the-familiars-union can i join you
You’re all probably wondering why I’ve gathered you all here…
It has come to my attention that I have too many apprentices (followers). The doors have been locked, all your magic has been sealed, and there is only one way out.
In order to leave, you must kill at least one other person here. You might be wondering “how? You just said we can’t use magic.” Well, fist fight. There’s also some weapons scattered around this enormous room.
Have fun!
Now i’m not smart but i think there’s definitely also something to be said about Doctor Mother and her relationship with Fortuna
as you said an 8 year old killed god, is completely separate from her family and life has one connection whose first thought is, we need to kill god
Doctor Mother was her one guiding light her one connection and all the sudden she’s just gone, the woman who more or less instructed Fortunas every action just dead
now as i said i’m not smart but i’m sure there’s something here
Fortuna my beloved... she's such a compelling character I wish we had more of her. She was like 8 when she killed a god and learned the world was going to end. 8 years old when she got the power to do anything she wants, except it's never enough to solve the one problem she cares about. 8 years old when she left behind everything she knew for a battle that seemed completely hopeless, and in the end she hardly mattered despite all the parts of herself she threw away for the cause. Some (bad) fics portray her as a complete dumbass, someone who can't even walk without her power, and frankly I want to throw rocks at them because no! That's not her! She's still a person without her power, but I don't think she knows who that person is. It's something we see so often through worm, a character spends so much time with the mask on that they hardly exist when it's off, and using her power is the mask for her. She doesn't know what she would enjoy for recreation, what music she'd like, she doesn't know what it's like to have a friend that she talks to with the mask off because the mask is glued to her face by this point, and it's heartbreaking. After Scion dies, she's left to realize that she doesn't need her mask anymore, but there's barely anything left underneath. She's done so much horrible shit and stopped caring about herself or others in the name of the goal she set to save the world, and now when she tries to figure out who she is there's nothing of Fortuna left, only Contessa.
And all of this lines up with Taylor, they're so so similar in every way, which is what makes the final conversation in 30.7 so heartbreaking. Fortuna wants to know if it was worth it, if there's anything left of Taylor in there, because she's wondering the same questions about herself and desperately wants answers. Because what do you do when all your life was for nothing? When you've thrown away your humanity to be a speck in the grand scheme of things? How do you move on and find yourself without letting the guilt tear you apart once you let yourself feel something again?
there’s something else that’s really interesting about Scion that’s revealed in this chapter though
and that is that Scions an asshole
now that feels obvious with him blowing up Britain but specifically because of how Jack convinces Scion to start killing he tells him to do what his ancestors did which for Entities is the exact opposite of what they’re trying to do
the whole point of Entities is to stop entropy since they realized the old way of just fighting an consuming was going to cause them to die out and yet Scion decides to revert to the old ways and kill everything and there by ruining the Simulation and stopping any progress on the entropy problem which is the exact opposite of what Entities want to do
this means to other Entities specifically Scions a huge self important asshole
Very confused by sting interlude 3; don’t really get what happened
to be fair a lot of it is new user who just finished Worm wanting to express their thoughts or having just made a realization and wanting to say it which I’d say is actually nice if a bit stupid
I love r/parahumans so much. "let's get something straight jack slash is NOT that clever" WE KNOW. let's get something straight the sky IS blue circles ARE round. are we going to learn our ABCs next
I know it’s not hard to point out reactionaries hypocrisy when it comes to like safe spaces or hug boxes or whatever but genuinely how much of an echo chamber do you have to exist in for you to think this is a reasonable thing to say
I mean in some of fan fictions due to both their parents being rich lawyers they’re already friends or in contact which i think is a fair interpretation so i could totally see it making them closer friends or bridging the gap to make them become friends or something along those lines
I could see it going two ways depending on how earlier it is in Victorias career if it’s earlier she might really care and get really close in which case Emma could be a good support and someone who actually will argue back and might help keep Victoria from doing the same violence she did in the original timeline
or two if it happens it’s not very special for Vic and she moves on and Emma stays terrified before maybe binding and becoming even closer with Taylor
also in either case Sophia might be punished a bit more without the really good lawyer of Emma’s dad and probably would be a bit more of a loner
In another universe, Emma is saved by Glory Girl instead of Shadow Stalker…
Discuss.
honestly this whole idea of home not home sounds like descriptions of veterans returning from World War 1
people who were way to young to reasonably do everything they were forced to shoved into a strange alien hellscape before just going home having to act like nothing happened
Didn’t want to derail on a post about Sundancer, but this quote:
is also pretty notable from a Tattletale perspective. Despite the fact Sundancer hasn’t exactly gone out of her way to be empathetic to the Undersiders and that she stood by even when she found out about Dinah and might very well have stood by if the same thing happened to Tattletale herself, Tattletale is choosing to be kind and reassure her. It’s not entirely selfless— things are easier in Brockton Bay if all the Travelers leave — but there are crueler ways to get her to go.
There’s some parallels there, Sundancer going so far to save someone who’s already dead. A best friend she loves past the point of sense.
Also interesting to me— Sundancer is incredibly hypocritical about Taylor, being disgusted by her brutality in carving out eyes when Sundancer has definitely already killed people by that point and has stood by while worse things have happened. Sundancer ~doesn’t~ turn against Coil (from what I remember, though it’s been a while), even though she feels bad about Dinah. She’s willing to use Dinah and Tattletale’s knowledge if it means fixing Noelle. I almost want to draw comparisons to how Taylor is disgusted by Alec despite/because of their similarities. The biggest difference being that Alec is more upfront about being a bit of a bastard than Taylor is, and Taylor is more upfront about it than Marissa is.
I need to reread some more Traveler-Undersider scenes, but Coil is in most of them. Ugh.
I mea. i totally agree that just about everyone would actually be normal but i’m pretty fine with that
I mean if you do get bored even with the nano tea while there isn’t a ton to do you can still do shit to spice up your life and make new entertainment
"i'd be a scythe" "i'd be a tonist" "i'd be a nimbus agent" well I'D like to point out that most of us are lying to ourselves. most of us would be ordinary people. i probably would be, but i don't want to imagine living forever like that because that's boring and tiring and it's hard to imagine the nanite-filled version of myself who lives that life contented by it. i want to be a scythe, but that disqualifies me from the job. but even if it didn't, i'd never want to be a scythe if that were an actual possibility because i would be a different person without the layers of fucked up that are happening in my brain chemistry. i can't even say i'd be a tonist and take my nanites out because nanite-d me wouldn't be thinking as hard as real me about who i am and whether the nanites are changing me fundamentally. so yeah. i'd be boring in the aoas universe. calling it now.
mario
Long story short, I'm not allowed In the Supermarket anymore.
Hey I know you probably won’t care/notice but as someone who’s read Twig and is caught up on Pale but here’s my 2 cents on Wildbows growth
Spoilers obviously (I don’t know how to do the keep reading thing)
For Twigs main trans character I’d say while not perfect the representation is pretty good, admittedly it’s somewhat hindered by the fact that arguably they transition led for someone else to love them but they also say that’s not it so it gets a bit odd
On the gay front it’s more mixed with their being a relationship with gay undertones later on in the story buts it’s also kinda accompanied by a sorta possessiveness which makes sense for the character but like other Wildbow things is like, it makes sense but come on man
In Pale meanwhile it’s a good deal better, with both a major Trans character who’s written well with their past both being very much a part of them and there story but also not being the entirety of their character and a main character who’s gay with a good amount of their story revolving around the struggles of being gay in a small town in rural Canada while also not falling into may tropes
But that’s my random two cents so yeah
It’s Pride Month. Let’s talk about LGBTQ+ Representation.
DISCLAIMER: This is merely an opinion piece, and no one is under any obligation to read it, agree with it, or even continue to follow me. With that in mind, I won’t be making critical posts like this that often, because my blog is more for fun jokes than serious discussion.
If there’s any terminology I’ve misused, or anything that can be construed as deliberately offensive and/or ignorant, please message me about it. I’m a human and I’m still learning, just like everybody else. Warnings below for mentions of rape, homophobia, transphobia, and some other heavy stuff. You know the drill with Worm. I will tag based on request, since this isn’t the normal sort of thing I share on this blog.
Keep reading
One night, you decide to put your phone under your pillow. When you wake up in the morning, your phone is replaced by cash totaling what you paid for your phone. Turns out the tooth fairy takes more than just teeth.