As You Get Older, You Unlock More And More Of The Supermarket

Oh no, you crit failed summon monster! Instead of a monster you summon (roll a d20):

A single goblin who is unable to fight your enemies but is very enthusiastic to try

An unimpressed horse

The monster you wanted to summon, but high off its tits on acid

Ben Shapiro

An extremely confused Grey Knight Space Marine

Just a fuck ton of fancy soaps

Your own spleen

A mimic who's very embarrassed at being seen non-shapeshifted

The monster you want to summon but at 200mph

Every monster ever published in any D&D book ever all at once

The IRL game group

A heartwarming narrative about identity and personal growth in the american west

An asteroid the size of Scotland

The Discourse

An exact mental and physical copy of yourself who insists that they just summoned you

Your dad who went to the store to "get milk" 20 years ago

D&D First Edition

Late Stage Capitalism

The monster you wanted to summon but deconstructed into inch-square parts

My fist into your face. Fuck you.

Six days until the ooze arrives

I wish to be.

A little creature.

But genetics said.

"Hmm, above 6 foot".

We are a very very dumb, stupid people

Like the Great Value "Luncheon Meat" that is literally just Spam

I love every store brand product that tries to sound better than it actually is

Brain is full of little people

Saw a possum on the way home from the store. He was exceptionally sized

Anyone want some bones, I've got plenty to spare

I've rubbed dirt off the floor with a dry mop at work so much just because someone put the mop bucket away in a weird way that made me not want to even bother using it

Don't have the energy for X requirement of my current task so let me just 5 times as hard doing my task without it while also believing I'm doing less work