I Dont Fuckin Knows!!!!!!!!

In near-future speculative fiction story, highly politicized faction refuses to use pronouns completely. Including indefinite pronouns. Including first-person pronouns.

Can conceivably be pro- or anti- inclusivity ideology, small group or large group.

Faction's speech is weird and stilted, although similar to English "brevity wording" found on signs and instruction manuals. Surprisingly easy to understand, considering complete restructuring of speech pattern and grammar.

Same group does not use contractions, but unrelated. Abandonment of contractions pure affectation driven by pomposity.

Blog post is self-demonstrating.

Overheard last summer in the Downtown Tourist Trap:

(1) "He used, in an hour and a half, a whole can of propane."

(2) (while one of the best-known marimba bands on the West Coast is playing in the park) "There's some odd music over there. Do you wanna come?"

My local library has thrown away its reference section. "That stuff is all online, now."

They have thrown away most of their archive. What remains is buried in the basement under junk, and all record of its contents is lost. They have no interest in doing anything with it.

For job hunting tips, we direct you to the three biggest job hunting websites.

Homework help and tutoring comes from a local NGO, when they can afford it, although they do use our building.

We do finally have crafts, though! We turned the quiet room and the young adult reading area into a luxurious crafting station.

Legal aid isn't available. We can refer you to a local lawyer, or that local NGO. But you can look up documents online, and print them for free!

I tried to provide compassionate human connection when I worked there, but that's one of the reasons I was let go. Apparently that's something patrons are supposed to provide each other.

And we still have books! We have more and more books about fewer and fewer things, and soon we will have more fiction than ever, we just have to get rid of all the useless nonfiction that's not about hobbies, home renovation, cooking, or poetry. Nobody ever reads those books, they're just taking up space we could use for James Patterson novels!

Truly, there's no better time to visit your local library.

Now that we've discovered the First-Ever Complaint Letter, perhaps we will discover other firsts among ancient cuneiform tablets baked in long-long-ago city fires. Like, oh, I don't know... How about the First-Recorded Karen?

"O, Tara-Nuwusu, since your father's death, you are the head of your household, and as such, we, the elders of the town, implore you to curb your venerable mother's behavior. Her sharp tongue and endless demands are an affliction to us all. Day after day, she lurks at the gate of the town, seeking those with whom she may take offense and make undignified scenes. Please, Tara-Nuwusu, [...] diligently, for the sake of your name and lineage, and speak to your mother, and [...] to her that she cannot insist on [?receiving] goods without price, as compensation for ill-treatment she has [?imagined/?alleged], nor may she overturn the stalls of vendors who refuse her demands. O, Tara-Nuwusu, we do not wish to bind and confine your venerable mother, but she daily [...] peace of the city with her behavior, and if you cannot control her, we must regretfully subject you and your family to [?humiliation]."

This is not a god-emperor.

This is a god whose name is "Emperor."

Long-dead, he was the last ruler of a once-powerful empire whose cultural influence outlasted it.

Was he deified in his lifetime? We no longer know. But he is deified now.

While his memory lives on, his true name has been lost. At some point, the word "emperor" ceased to have meaning except when referring to him, therefore his name is now Emperor.

Pro tip:

Never confuse the Fifth International with the Third Lateran.

UPDATE: Yes, the kittens do live next door. We had no idea!

The problem with having "free range" cats is that they will annex properties and people you don't have control over, into their territory. I hope they eventually learn that the neighbors' dogs can't keep them safe up here. At least they'll put a dent in the vole population.

This is here because I can't post photos on the local message board. I'm trying to find the owner of these two kittens before the raccoons get them.

It's a talking coin.

Sounds interesting, right?

Well, it's a tiny, tiny copper piece, much smaller than a modern penny, and it only says one thing, over and over.

"I am groat."

This character is debonair and very attractive. Very sexily attractive, and has a sexy accent to top it off.

But their knowledge of the common language is worse than just having a shaky accent... they get idioms comically wrong, all the time, in their sexy accent, ruining the effect. They'll say "Boum, schockolat" instead of "boom, shakalaka," for example.

When other characters try to correct them, they just flip their hair sexily and say, "My vairsion is bettair."

From episode 90 of the podcast "Lingthusiasm":

More power to that guy, he is a kindred spirit, but also

why is nobody talking about the little man-box??