-Illustratum Paradoxon

You saw them the moment you stepped in the room—silvery eyes, flashing bright in the gloom.

Ain’t that the truth.

2•4•19

I sit here with my past besides me as if it’s another living being that I must feed and nurture, but the more I feed my past the darker my future becomes. The past swallows me whole into a sea of darkness and once again I’m lost. I’ve lost hope rising from the ashes. Rising from the dead. I wish my past had someone else to cater to them. I wish I could sit alone in silence without the whispers of failures in my ear constantly reminding me of the monster that I once was.

Illustratum Paradoxon

*This is what healing looks like, it’s raw and it hurts like hell*

Same. 😔

Here comes the days of hell...

(aka the peak of my PMDD)

Feelings include:

And the result is:

Conflict and tears. Me arguing with my family and me crying a lot.

I really f*cking hate this crap.

-Illustratum Paradoxon

The anxiety attack after you set a boundary is crazy. My hands are shaky. Palms are sweaty. I’m freaking livid! I just don’t understand it?! I’m cursed I swear. My grandmother would yell at me CONSTANTLY “Your mouth is gonna get you in trouble” little did she know how powerful such words were. People love me cuz I’m real and hate me cuz I’m too blunt! Or because I’m too moody or too “to myself” um why is it so wrong to keep to yourself? Why is it wrong to like to keep your circle small? Maybe it’s a coping mechanism to protect what’s mine or maybe it’s the only way I know how to protect my energy. Whatever it is. I DESPISE when people try to impose on me. Don’t push me to be social please. Don’t come over uninvited. These are triggers. I’m so sorry. I don’t like uncertainty or surprises unfortunately. I’ve been disappointed too many times. I have opened that door too many times. So now I leave it shut and protect me and my own. Ok so the boundary is set. Why am I freaking out? It’s the response! It’s me obsessing over if that person will talk to me again because I set a boundary! It’s me being mad I had to set one in the first place. But then again, High expectations are future disappointments. I’m tired of people having adult tantrums when another adult is clear on their wants/unwants. How dare you be mad at me for knowing what I want!?

-Illustratum Paradoxon

This has been my journey this past year, and it’s one of the reasons I have posted less and less on this site. I’m finally learning to break free of the “peacemaker” and “conflict avoider” side of my personality type, and I’m learning to speak my truth, even if it leads to uncomfortable situations. THIS is how INFJs become leaders, not just the wise consultants in the background. We speak up, we take action, and we let our feelings out.

And I’ve lost some family and friends because of this. But the majority of people have actually reached out to me and praised me on my “badassery” and my ability to say exactly what everyone is thinking. So I will continue to speak my truth, not with the intention of upsetting people, but because I am capable of seeing the grays in the spectrum and shining a light on injustices in a unique and convincing way. And I don’t feel the need to hold back anymore.

Sourced from INFJ Refuge on Facebook.

My fav villain 🖤

Yep and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Via: @shadowlighthaven

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