Kissing And Licking Your Tummy Just Above Your Boxers Btw. If You Even Care

Rita Ora with a chrome dinosaur spine, 2023

"Warning Signs Your Machines Are Trying to Kill You!" by TJ Klune

(Legally, I’m required to tell you that when smart phones first became popular, I bought one and then asked for the address of the app store because I thought it was a physical location I had to go to in order to download apps and not something already on your phone. Also, I was recently told I speak like an old person so as a warning, there will not be any slang you youths typically hear, especially on Tumblr. Any slang I’ve learned in the last five years has been against my will. I still don’t know what FOMO means, and I don’t care.)

1. Oh no! You and your family are trying to enjoy a movie night, but Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) wants a sacrifice at the altar of their god, BeeZos. Should this happen, do not attempt to give Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) a cantaloupe with googly-eyes on it and say that it is your baby. Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) knows the difference between fruit and children. Instead, ask the machine to order dog food, and it will forget about eating humans for a little while.

2. If you own a very fancy vehicle that can drive itself, always make sure to carry a brick. That way, when the car locks you inside and attempts to drive you off a cliff into a gas station, you can break the window using the brick. You will then have to jump out, but make sure you do so in time so you can watch the wicked-ass explosion when the car hits the gas station, and you can revel in your victory over your car.

3. This one will hurt. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Chances are, you’re reading this on your phone right this second. To be safe, after you’ve finished reading this post and have clicked on the affiliated links to purchase my books, you should throw your phone into a volcano and then move to South Dakota where there are no machines, only wind and cows. That way, when everyone else gets the 5GZombieVirus that people on Twitter (I’m not calling it the other thing, shut up) seem to think is real, you’ll be safe with your cows on a windy day.

4. Get rid of your air fryer. Don’t ask me why, just do it. Red flags all around. Danger, danger.

5. Do you know of the Clapper? That thing first launched in the late 20th century (I wrote it that way to make me feel old) where the commercials showed cranky old people unable to reach their light switches, so they got a thing called a Clapper that turns your lights on and off when you clap? Guess what? Those will be the first things to try and kill you. If you love your gram-gram, save her from the Clapper. When she asks why you are destroying it with an ax, tell gram-gram it’s because you love her.

6. Do you live in a smart home? The kind where everything is connected to the internet, including your refrigerator? The refrigerator that holds your perishable foods? And oh, would you look at that: how many ice cubes have you kicked under it rather than picking them up when they fall to the floor? A dozen? A million? The refrigerator remembers. And it will spoil your food in seconds. What then? What are you going to eat? Canned food? Not if the refrigerator falls on top of you!

Unfortunately for you, this is where it must end. I hope this has given you enough information to help you survive the inevitable. If you do not heed my warnings, well. Who cares. I’m not in charge of you. Do whatever you want. Just don’t come complaining to me when gram-gram gets the clap.

Anyone else stare at their mutuals like 👀👀👀👀 “please dm me. You seem so cool and I wanna be friends. “

eating pussy from behind needs more appreciation if you ask me ! yeah, having a girl sitting on your face or with her legs folded over her chest is nice but nothing tops watching a lady with her back arched and face squished on the sheets, pretty pussy dripping down on her plush inner thighs and cute butt wiggling for your hands to grope it ! squeezing my face between her legs feels like heaven, with the tip of my nose rubbing on her pulsing hole and my tongue lapping between her folds— don’t even get me started on how it’s the perfect position for her to grind back on my face, while she babbles but it’s muffled with the sheets. so so dirty. you can also grip her hips if she tries to run away from your mouth sucking her aching clit, saying it’s too much. just spank her ass and tell her to say her safe word or just shut up and take what you give her… jesus, i’m getting horny.

It’s their greatest invention as of yet

Would you get a Tboy pregnant 🫣

I would absolutely plap plap plap get pregnant get pregnant a tboy!!!!

I’m afraid that when I say “my butch,” people, especially straight people, are hearing “my daddy.” That’s fine for many. But when I say “my butch”, what I mean is:

I wish i could have a normal crush... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

homophobes are not allowed to use computers because the inventor of the computer was gay

Dream body

d̶͖͛̓͢͝â̷̗͇̕̚͜t̸̢̥͌́̋͞e̴̱҇͆͜?̶̶̶̶̱̱̱̱͌͌͌͌͢͢͢͢͝͝͝͝🖤