Insecure-abyss - Insecure_abyss

i love twitter warfare

reading toxic yuri in public and nodding in approval so everyone knows i condone codependency and mutual abuse in real life

ngl hdg kinda amazes me in its ability to cater to my kinks pretty much perfectly while simultaneously triggering several of the worst parts of my trauma.

like how is it that it hits on everything i like on the surface, provides semi-decent worldbuilding to back it all up and enable the creation of stories, and even has consistent backstory and stuff, and yet the entire damn thing instills this looming sense of dread and fear that i can't shake enough to properly enjoy it...

below the break im gonna talk in like. moderate detail. about the parts that scare me. so uh yeah be aware that it'll get heavy that's just how it is.

ok, so the worst thing for me. wellness checks. the idea is cute and kinda hot on the surface. "make sure you're okay and if you're not you're getting domesticated" (which is supposed to be like. a happy thing. "now you get to just chill and be happy and get taken care of forever and in return you give me only your submission"). yeah, fuck it, im into that. hell that's not even an uncommon trope in the realm of cnc/mc writing.

except whenever i read an hdg wellness check story (in the sense of those long-ish tumblr posts that people write—i haven't even really considered reading the longer form content on ao3) there's something viscerally... off... about the tone. it stops feeling like kink and starts feeling like a nightmare when things happen to line up just so, and then it clicks, and reminds me that i knew people, real people, who had "wellness checks" happen in real life, except that instead of it being a kink thing that made them happy and was genuinely for their wellbeing, it was that their parents had hired people to kidnap them and drag them to a psych ward when they just needed a therapist. not all of those people that i knew have come home, as far as im aware. some have been gone for years.

and what about the whole idea of the non-consensual part being okay because "it's for your own good". in hdg-land it is. it's genuinely good for you and everyone seems to be happy with it, other than the occasional "bad guy who hates good things" trope (feralists, in hdg, afaik). but that's exactly what they told me when they cut contact between my boyfriend and i while he was in the hospital. "it's for your own good." guess what, it wasn't. his parents didn't like our relationship. they wanted me to forget him. they either didn't understand or didn't care that i couldn't. it was a year and a half before he came home and i had forgotten nothing.

our loss of communication was the tipping point in a series of events that, had i made one decision differently in the end, would have killed me. thankfully i fucked it up and am here today, no longer in that bad of a place may i add. im choosing not to share any of what happened to me directly right now because i don't want to turn this into a full on trauma dump, but suffice it to say there are recurring themes.

it's so interesting to me because in a lot of ways i have found comfort from those experiences in kink and writing. take flames of averon: mech pilots are neurochemically bonded to their handlers. how different is this from what the affini do to their florets? well, you have to sign up to be a pilot, and there's no authority in the world threatening you if you choose not to. even the coalition military wouldn't dare force you to become a pilot against your will, though they might never stop sending you promotional flyers if they find out you're able to tolerate the cyberware /lh

hell, im into cnc. im really into it. i chose to leave it as an opening between pilots and handlers in foa. the implication exists that if a handler tells their pilot to do something the poor thing will have a hell of a time saying no. that's intentional. it's hot to me, on either end. but the safety comes from other things.

yes, your handler has a lot of influence over you at a level that's hard to imagine, but you chose them and they chose you (most of the time), or at the very least neither of you had any complaints to raise with your supervisor when the paperwork came in for syncing your link chips (holly and astrid from seat of consciousness).

yes it's true, you can't be reassigned now that you're bonded, but that doesn't mean you have zero recourse if your handler is treating you badly. if you need to, you can always file paperwork with your commanding officer to request that something be done.

plus, handlers go through a lot of training, which includes screening to filter out people who would actually harm their pilots. yeah, some handlers are a little sadistic, but when it comes down to it they are on your side. if that wasn't the case they would never have passed pre-basic.

put another way, as a pilot in flames of averon, the closest thing ive ever written to a floret, there are a multitude of points at which you could have said no and didn't, and although that's obviously still noncon in the grand scheme of things, it's "signing away your freedom" cnc compared to the hdg flavor of "you 'consented' via it being the best thing for you whether you like it or not."

even if your handler just told you to "stay" for the first time and you're currently panicking and trying to figure out why your legs won't move, you still have some tiny amount of agency—an escape hatch, so to speak—and you'll just never end up having to use it.

and to me, the loss of that minute level of agency which will never be invoked is the difference between "this is hot as hell and feels perfectly safe" and "this is the abuse that was once leveraged against those i cared about, and to some degree myself, and it's simply been repackaged with a kink sticker slapped on."

none of this is to say i hate hdg, it's fans, those who write about it, or even the parts of it which scare me. i do think the idea is hot. hdg is pretty cool. hell, it was one of my inspirations in writing a lot of the pilot/handler dynamics in flames of averon. but it does scare me. and no matter what i tell myself i can't shake that fear.

it's frustrating, because oftentimes fear can be part of what makes something hot, but the particular flavor of fear which hdg instills in me is one which makes bitter all that it reaches. maybe someday i'll grow out of it. the traumatic memories from which that fear stems were only created in the past couple of years, to be fair. but something tells me a piece of that fear will never be fully dislodged from my mind.

so, all this to say, while i am into hdg, it's a complicated relationship.

(and on a sillier in character note to lighten the mood—please feel free to respond to this with roleplay or whatever you like!)

to any Affini out there who might be reading this, know that im not scared of you. im not scared of what you represent. im only scared by the fact that you mimic that which has left the scars you see on my soul today. im not against being taken in as a floret, and none of this is to say that i hold any level of disdain for you.

i only ask that you be gentle with me. what has been broken once can be broken again. please, do not let it come to that.

Make me.

Yeah, yeah. I heard the song and dance. I get it. You're here to make my life better because you're wonderful, because you just care that fucking much.

Make me.

Yeah, that's right. I'm not able to stop you- I don't think I can, physically or otherwise. But I'm not going along with this bullshit just because a pretty face asked with a smile. I made it through a lot before you got here, and I don't need someone else running the last few yards of the race on 'my behalf' and taking the credit for the whole damn thing. If you want to help me that much, if you want to say you saved me? You're going to have to fucking earn it.

So Make me.

Make me want what you're offering. You talked a big game about doing what's right for me, even when I don't want it. You've got drugs on you right now that could fix my gender dysphoria, that could finally get the intrusive thoughts and constant anxieties to sit down and shut up. You could melt my brains out of my skull, throw me into a brilliant hurricane of pleasure and joy, surround me in a cocoon of your vines. You can ignore me when I get defensive, when I lie to your face and try to push you away, when I say one thing but desperately need another.

Things like, 'I don't want any of that.' Things like, 'I'm not tired. I'm not in pain. I haven't forgotten how to let another help me like that.'

So make me.

Thinking about being a royal pet.

Collared but it's covered in jewels. Leashed but it's made of gold.

I eat the finest meals out of a bowl on the ground. I spend my days sitting in front of the throne, suckling the royal cock.

The only clothes I'm permitted to wear are sheer and lacy, doing nothing to cover me.

When my master wants to fuck me, I'm teased and fingered by his servants until I'm open and desperate. When he's done with me, they'll clean me up, bathing me and dressing me and fingering me again to make sure I'm in good health.

Over and over, day after day, til all thoughts of rescue or escape have drained out of my ears.

I might as well be a dog.

Then when my beauty has faded and I'm too loose to bring pleasure, I'm sent to the knights. Then the servants. Then the dogs and horses and cattle.

Nothing but a pet.

transfem mad scientist who’s honestly a little disappointed that you didn’t grow attached to her after all the unethical experiments she performed on you. it’s like you don’t even care about this relationship…

we need more freaky transfems with medical degrees. i want the girl who’s performing my orchiectomy to find it just as hot as i do.

#things to try and set up

wife and I were chatting and we realized we have the opportunity to do some insane levels of wish fulfillment by taking some younger transfem on the thrill of her life by being two older, stable transfems and spoiling her

T4T dating tips:

Meow

Keep meowing until it works

be obsessed with me. c’mon, i know you want to. you keep holding yourself back, biting your tongue. why? why not indulge yourself in this twisted love? i know you want this just as badly as i do, so make this easier on both of us and admit you need me.