“do You Want To Talk About It?”

i have this distinct need to make myself the smallest in a room because i always take up too my space with my loud voice. i talk loudly and flail my hands around because i don't know how to control myself in front of other people. so maybe, if the bones in my body shrunk and i lost more than eighty percent of my fat then my voice would shrink with me and i would match the tone of the normal people in the room. maybe then i can not only look at myself in the mirror and be happy, i can also listen to my own voice and avoid wanting to claw out my vocal chords. i'll feel normal i think

sometimes, i see myself as one with the ocean. i think it's foolish, i think it's selfish, i think it's outlandish for a human being to even think about comparing themselves to a celestial being as inexplicable as the sea. i think, i've spent too much time with myself tonight, how can i compare myself to the ocean when i don't understand myself? comparisons deserve explanations, they deserve examples, they should have a structure, but when has the ocean had any of this? you see, the ocean has zones. the sunlight zone, the twilight zone, the midnight zone, the abyssal zone, and the hadal zone. the deeper we dive, the less we see. in fact, we can't even dive that deep. even then, most creatures are not capable of surviving in water that deep as the water pressure is incomprehensible, so it's mostly empty. i think about this and i think, oh, that is me. the deeper you get, the harder it is to hold people in, the harder it is that i don't destroy them within milliseconds. the deeper it is, the more mystery there lies, when in reality, the mystery is just emptiness. it's that incomprehensible feeling of utter emptiness that surrounds your stomach and makes it ache in ways that cannot be shown to other people so you surround it with the pressure that can crush people and creatures that are see-through and weirdly surviving because trauma can be repressed but some part of it aches to to be remembered and perceived like some sort of fish that looks like a blob or a megalodon that is a folktale. it doesn't matter. the ocean doesn't want you to explore its depths, if it did, it wouldn't have made it impossible to survive down there if you're not its secret little creatures. the ocean wants you to stay out, i want you to stay out

The Handmaiden (2016)

How i feel about the recent season quest

srsly tho. i need a digital camera

i need a digital camera so i can take the same pictures i take with my phone but through a different grainer perspective that makes me think that the future isn't here yet and i'm still in 2013 and i'm not left behind grieving after who i could've been

i cannot really handle birds or fish as pets anymore because i have seen the dead forms of both and they haunt me so closely and i do not need that on my conscience

i also wish humans did not care so much for intimacy because i hate to see anything around me die and i think a cat or a puppy or a lover would hurt the most and i already know i would not survive it

i think its hard for me to be alone. my english professor told us today that all relationships we are in and lose are failures and you lose and lose and lose until you find a person and you're with them forever. it made me realize that i want to find a girl that fits into my edges and cracks and fills me with soil and cement and stitches me up like im a used dog toy. i want a girl to hold my head in her arms and kiss my forehead as i tell her my nightmare. i want a girl to lay down beside me under the stars on a picnic blanket and tell me about her biggest dream as i fear for frogs. i want her to show me when a butterfly lands on her nose, or call my name to kiss me in the bath. i want a girl who holds me close when she sleeps, and i want to fall asleep listening to her heartbeat until i have it memorized and i'm so convinced it beats in tandem with mine. thats why its hard for me to be alone. i have all these dreams of a mystery girl that i want to give my love to, a love all mine that we can share, i have so much to give and so much to love, and i want to devote it to her. i just want her already

sometimes i think about how hard it is for me to cry and how numb i feel about everything, i wish i was still a crybaby i miss who i was before i let the emptiness take me over

Pointillist Butterflies by Matt H Booth

http://matthbooth.com/

This is such a beautiful effect and I’m thinking it might be a useful one to remember for a visualisation.

Sometimes it’s easy to get carried away with making the chart itself interesting, whereas an effect like this could allow a very simple chart to be used.