Jalakanyaka - Seine

i wish i had an older person to take care of me forever. someone who'll kiss me and care for me and tell me that everything will be alright. someone that will tell me what to wear and what to eat so my mind will remain clear and i don't have to worry about anything other than suffocating in their smell and their warmth and i can just follow them and do what they want because the thought of following my own mind scares me and i am worried i'm going to be the reason for my own demise because i am evil. i want a heroine to sleep with me forever and kiss my neck so i can remain sane. is that codependency

I feel like im stuck at 15 forever and ill be 25 and thinking about the fact my brain stopped thinking at 15

June 20, 1944 source

wait so we're hanging out okay. when where how and oh yeah why so i can stress out about it, look at the place beforehand, plan out my every move, be on the edge of an anxiety attack until the day ends and then overthink about everything i did later

im filled with so much sadness inside of me and i dont know where to put it all

this cruel envy fills me whenever i see that others are doing worse than me. i think it's a superiority complex or a messed up inferiority complex but there's this voice inside me that parrots "you must always be doing worse than them." everything feels like a competition for the worse because those who feel bad also get attention and i want that attention. i want people to care about me, i want to be sick so people can acknowledge that i'm sick and think about and talk about me like conversation topics so i feel special to them, no matter how terrible it is. i know it would be impossible to achieve this through good things like awards or competitions, so i'll get the attention in the one way i can: by suffering and making everyone aware of it. i'm not good enough that people will care so i'll be sick enough so they'll be forced to care

Yohji Yamamoto Pour Homme AW1995 Floral Turtleneck

Im terrified of losing people and I cling hard because I know ill always be the one who will grieve more i will be the one who misses and yearns for years i will be the one who will never forget

going on a walk to clear your head is OUT. going on a walk to make yourself upset on purpose is IN