Im Filled With So Much Sadness Inside Of Me And I Dont Know Where To Put It All

i want to melt into this bed and be stuffed with rocks until im all filled up so i cant be awoken and my soul drifts off my body and takes part in my day to day experiences and i am left to soak in my sweat and sleep forever

“your my best friend, now i’ve got no one to tell i’ve lost my best friend.”

….

Winter light (1962)

I feel like im stuck at 15 forever and ill be 25 and thinking about the fact my brain stopped thinking at 15

"everything i've ever let go of has claw marks on it" is so real because yeah i'll be the best if you let me but try to take it away from me and i'll claw my way up until my fingers bleed and even then i'll keep clawing and clawing and clawing because i don't know how else to be. i'll carry your remains under my fingernails if that's the only way i can have you. how do i be nonchalant when someone is leaving me behind, how do i accept that betrayal?

I wish I knew forever would end so soon

I wish I never kissed you in my living room

You wonder how I'm doing, well, here's a clue

I wish I never met you

being a thalassophile with thalassophia is horrifying. God set me up for failure

sometimes i think about how others may have perceived me; of course, the thought of being perceived itself brings about a disgusting turn in my stomach as i cannot handle being another person's momentary topic. i wonder if i had ever caused great pain for being neglectful as i'm sure i am. i ignore and ignore because i need to ignore the voices in my head and it's easier to do that when you aren't thinking of anyone else. i wonder if i ever broke someone's heart, if they ever thought of me and felt an ache because i was worth not losing, and keeping up with. i wonder if i ever caused a wave in someone's life that was bright enough to be noticed when it wasn't there. i wonder if someone thought of me months later and wished we still talked, if we had moments together that we could have repeated. i know i'm neglectful and i know i'm terrible at showing i care and sometimes i wonder if i do. do i care? am i just really cold blooded inside and don't give a fuck about making others happy? it doesn't matter, because either way, i'm sure i hurt some people at some point in time. or i could just be delusional. i could just be cellophane, or a ripple in the water as i drift from people's lives. i could just matter for a moment and be erased from memory from hence forth, and i'm aware it is because of my own abilities, or the lack thereof. i suppose i'm not afraid of not being wanted, i'm afraid of being forgotten. i think about people that played the smallest roles in my life, and how little i could care about them, and yet how i obsessed i can become with them. i wonder if they remember me and if they think about me sometimes, i wonder if they care that i'm alive, and that i'm not doing well. i wonder if they know i have this sickness and i want to end it all every day, but really i just wonder if they would care to know any of this. i was nothing to them, and i will always remain as such, i want to be remembered, i want to be thought of as gently and intimately as possible because i'm not sure how else i want to be perceived and known. it won't happen but i just want and want and want. i want everything i want people to know and i want people to care and i want people to see and see and see i want people to lunge their hand into my heart and pull it out and eat up the blood and the pain and i want them to understand how i feel and i want my pain to be their pain and for us to be lost in the middle somewhere and i want them to care because we are parts of each others and they can't abandon me now

i cant tell my older brother that ill be forever envious of his first baby because i was his first baby so ill suffer

can someone hire me as a lighthouse keeper. my grip on reality is soooo stable and i will behave so normally under conditions of extreme isolation. and i promise i wont try to fuck the light