Jalakanyaka - Seine

i like playing dumb about not knowing things so someone who cares about me will gently explain it to me and i will feel loved once in a while

i also enjoy peoples faces lighting up when they get to explain something to me

Winter light (1962)

They joys of being a normie passing gay is that you can hear the conversations the straight people are having in your life absolutely uncensored. I feel like KGB spy strolling around in the US during the Red Scare

finding old accounts is like finding proof u really did exist two years ago which is like yeah i know i did but that me from two years ago was me and i was her and that makes it so disgustingly weird yet endearing yet everything wrong with the world because i hate to be perceived and who else to judge u harder than ur future self who is wiser (slightly) and knows more (not really)? so i feel a little sick but also, she was such a silly girl. just a silly lost sad angry girl

i need a digital camera so i can take the same pictures i take with my phone but through a different grainer perspective that makes me think that the future isn't here yet and i'm still in 2013 and i'm not left behind grieving after who i could've been

some nights i feel so alone that a bubble balloons up in my stomach and dares to pop and im terrified that my mood will explode with it and ill have no emotions left and i will just be left empty with scattered organs and mindless memories of a simpler time when i felt the warmth of another body and could connect but the present is so cold

so suffocating when i can hear my family downstairs laughing and having the time of their lives while im upstairs burying my face into my pillow sobbing because i dont feel normal and im afraid i never will and my self is slipping away and im aching to hold on to that temporary fulfillment i have sometimes

Is it so hard to hope for love

i adore the thought of soulmates in every century/world/universe/life/forever but they aren't lovers every time. like in some worlds they are just a dog and a person and that's okay. in another— a cat and a butterfly that landed on its nose, a young person who befriends an older person, a fisherman and a mermaid they catch, a pirate and their squawking parrot, two orcas communicating from miles away, whatever. doesnt matter cause its always you. it will always be you and yes theres reincarnation's random surprises but ill take any form of you, as much of you as possible and expect you in my life always and anyways

having bpd and constantly hurting people around you with your anger issues is so painful and the guilt is worse i hate myself