Jalakanyaka - Seine

“do you want to talk about it?”

no, i want to kill myself because of it.

Im terrified of losing people and I cling hard because I know ill always be the one who will grieve more i will be the one who misses and yearns for years i will be the one who will never forget

this cruel envy fills me whenever i see that others are doing worse than me. i think it's a superiority complex or a messed up inferiority complex but there's this voice inside me that parrots "you must always be doing worse than them." everything feels like a competition for the worse because those who feel bad also get attention and i want that attention. i want people to care about me, i want to be sick so people can acknowledge that i'm sick and think about and talk about me like conversation topics so i feel special to them, no matter how terrible it is. i know it would be impossible to achieve this through good things like awards or competitions, so i'll get the attention in the one way i can: by suffering and making everyone aware of it. i'm not good enough that people will care so i'll be sick enough so they'll be forced to care

i love you, i do love you so much but I don't know what you want from me anymore. you consume my day I think about nothing but losing you and just that doesn't feel right. i defend you I argue for you I want to cry but I don't, I don't know anymore

having bpd and constantly hurting people around you with your anger issues is so painful and the guilt is worse i hate myself

My plant: Im rooting for you

Me: Thanks

BEFORE SUNRISE (1995) dir. Richard Linklater

thinking about that quote by anne carson, "I am someone who did not die when I should have died." and yeah. im wandering the earth with an empty heart and a filled mind like a sick little ghost. it hurts even more when i dont fit into the atmosphere around me and everything feels drowsy and unsettled. im not meant to be here i was meant to disperse and dissolve and disappear years ago and u can tell because i dont fit into this world. im not part of this world like everyone else. im too empty to care and live and love

"It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore, And yet I cannot let it go. I cannot let it ago."

— Sylvia Plath, from a letter to Ruth Tiffanny