I’m Actually Fuming Like So Much Right Now

cw rant. cw parents, bullying & ableism (?)

since my birthday is a few days away now, i told my mom that i wanted an animal crossing birthday party and a cake and even if she didn’t order the cake, I’ll just have the cake toppers and stick it on my cake. either way is okay.

she goes ahead and asks me why i didn’t tell her sooner but what she doesn’t understand is that, we were ordering a limo to come to my house and go fun places and have the BEST time EVER, so that when I grow older in the future, I can remember all that and to live the best life. on top of that, we were buying a cake, party stuff, balloons, crowns, etc and stuff were OUT of stock and that I didn’t wanna ask and they didn’t see. I DID see a cake that had Tom nook a day ago but when I confirmed the order, it went out of stock FAST. that’s what I said and the MAIN reason why I couldn’t say.

she has the audacity to bring up my neurodivergency and goes “no wonder you’re not normal!” towards me knowing that i struggle with things. and then she goes “can’t you see thats for babies? you’re so old for that anyway..” and I told her, “but it’s my fixation game? getting a cake will just make it better because I’ll be really happy.” and she says, “you’re a fucking grown bitch. you’re not a kid anymore, youre a teen thats working, stop being childish. youre too fucking young for that. pick something else!!!” and then storming out the room.

i just feel really bad because when i was younger, when I played mario kart for the switch, isabelle was the first character that made me addicted to playing as her in the mario kart game and then, when I discovered SSB (smash bros for the 3ds and switch), I became obsessed with both male and female villager. so since they introduced me to animal crossing, that’s when I thought of getting a cake of them so that I can remind myself that nothing can stop me from loving the characters and the game.

SHE LITERALLY BROUGHT ME THE GAME. she KNOWS that I cannot HELP watching it ALL the time. she knows that i like Tom nook and wants his birthday balloon to carry to my work place with party bags but loads of people hate me for being different and neurodivergent. nobody really likes me. expect 2 people. so therefore I can’t do shit about it. I didn’t wanna be seen as the “weird autistic person who likes childish stuff”. but she makes me feel like that.

now I have to do my birthday without it for the last time, and then get it for my next birthday that’ll be next year in 12-13 months since it’s in February.

I just feel so bad and mad at myself for asking cause she brought up how autistic i am. and because she always gets angry for stuff I cannot control nor the amount of stuff I get told. nor my health issues and totally shutting down and lashing out on everyone when mad.

she gaslights me alot also. and is severely negative to me. so now I have to do my birthday without it and have a normal birthday in order to avoid being “weird” or seen as “not normal” and “stupid” and “socially acceptable.”

And she told me to stop watching those characters because they don’t “matter”. like alright i get that im retarded and a weirdo. no need to make me feel dread about it.

50000 likes!

YESSSSSS I HIT THAT MILSTONE AYYYEEEEE

YESSSS GAYSS WOONNNNNN!!!!!!! /pos /pos /pos /pos

Last post reference

🦢 : when i would see kpop girls (esp blackpink), i instantly fall in love.

i mean, it’s (probably) obvious im either lesbian (i identity as lesbian) because i notice how any other girl group won't make me catch feelings quick but if it's blackpink, my bond with those GIRLS are EXTREMELY strong towards them.

I watched them the entire day and the bond is just. its so strong. I literally can't let go.

If it's le sserafim or twice, I wouldn't but..

blackpink???

it's like >>>>>>>>>>> 💕🌈💞🌈💓🌈💗🌈💖🌈💖🌈💝🌈💘🌈

It never ends.

I've never loved a girl as much as them and those are the ONLY girls I would love.

i am literally. this close. THIS. close. to. fucking. cry. and shout.

my family has a serious obsession w me being gay and keeps forcing me to come out and out the closet. no matter how hard I say no, I REPEATEDLY hear “oh you came out? cant hide now can you?” like no bitch i was basically out years ago at a young age w all those subtle signs of queerness but brushed it off and went w being straight until my queerness became visible to me. i just wasnt so sure and i didnt know this community existed until i was like really old. back then you never knew I was GAY LMFAO.

and they keep saying “you owe me an explanation as to why you’re gay”, “if youre gay why watch kpop boy groups?” (she keeps calling them chinese and i wanna fucking smash a wall omfg), “you owe us a coming out story”, “youre not gay stop lying” etc then I said I don’t owe them shit and they REALLY said “oh but we’re your family? we should know” like.. there’s worser they said but dear god. that house is so lgbtq+ phobic, im suprised. the homophobia, lesbophobia, biphobia, transphobia, etc was REAL and showing in that HOUSE and the whole convo was just utterly disgusting.

i had my own PERSONAL experiences, lemme keep it confidential between me, myself and I.

then she says “oh but do you like 🐱 (down there) or a 🍌 (a guys below)” ? like dont fucking sexualise me??

they kept outing me multiple times,, and keep bringing up that i am a GAY PERSON.

LEAVE ME ALONE?? then my sis had the audacity to say im making up “excuses” like you’re straight? stfu you are not GAY. don’t speak for me. ever heard of unattainable men? oh ofc not cause youre so ignorant lmfao

I hate it here so much...

y’all mfs need to understand, not every person who likes women is a fucking lesbian. People can be bi and have a gf / attraction to girls. and just like how having attraction to men doesn’t mean you’re “being gay” or “straight”. you can be bi, pan, omni, etc even ace and like men. NOT EVERYONE WHO HAS SAME SEX ATTRACTION IS GAY AND/OR LESBIAN. bi, etc people EXIST.

I feel so annoyed and upset, and they SAW my vents in my phone about everything that happened to me. like don’t go through my fucking phone w/o permission??? and then my friend blocked me cause she got jealous AFTER ALL OF THAT.

and this is ALL on christmas. YESTERDAY.

ffs this christmas is fucked up bruh.

I’m never coming out.

and then the way I said people can change lgbtq labels of their sexuality, nothing bad and then my family goes “but you aren’t cake? how the fuck can you change labels lmfao stop lying”

Well done, thanks for forcing a fucking person to come out and out me numerous times.

the only way I’ll come out in when I leave this fucking dungeon. now I can’t even like women anymore now cause i feel so disgusting....

i really need help to feel comfortable in being queer. im really going through a hard time and I need some support please.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HYUNJIN

i was in class today (i am a highschler and i work alot as well), and since everybody was talking too loud, i carried a pair of ear things for my sensory to carry with me because i was getting a bit stimulated meanwhile masking my neurodivergency (my adhd, autism, everything even my dyscalculia bc i cant do math), and i got irritated and i finished my juice box and put it in the bin while having them on.

NOW TELL ME, why is the WHOLE class staring at me?? and some girl shouted out, “GUYS SHES AUTISTIC?? LOOK AT HOW SHE WEARS THAT” and the “look what shes wearing. are you autistic?” literally the whole fucking class looked at me and called me retarded and the teachers did NOTHING TO HELP ME.

then the fact that she has neurodivergent issues of her own too and she fucking said that.

now how is this fair. theres ppl in my schl, same year, who had adhd + autism + sensories + stim toys + dyslexic ppl, etc and they’re praised (most of them are white and some are black) but me, as a child (whos mainly mix but shows black to others), im the one targeted???

but if i was the one to scream due to overwhelming feelings and had everyone laugh at me, I’d get into trouble.

never bringing my stim toys + earphones + etc AGAIN. idgaf ill suffer.

nice to know that everybody suddenly knows you’re “autistic” over some “headphones” 😹

now i have to mask my neurodivergency the whole day tomorrow.

i need to rant and please don’t ignore all my posts, please pay attention to them.

warning : // homophobia, bullying, r4p3, assault, and a few things.

1), i feel like people don’t understand that i have a hard time liking men and being w men. when i say, i can’t get used to it, they think it’s a joke. they think i’m “joking” when i say, i cannot feel comfortable around them. every time i always think they’re gonna hurt me or beat me up.

2), i also feel like no one is listening to me. i can’t feel attracted to men. i can’t imagine myself having a boyfriend. i can’t picture myself being friends with them. i can’t do ONE thing without thinking negatively. i know not all men are like this and i am NOT generalising them either, it’s just that since i’m severely bullied by most of them, i get really scared thinking they’ll hurt me.

3), due to issues, i don’t understand the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. i know this is stupid but im really confused and i have hard times understanding stuff so im just really ugh. i am sure i identify as aroace bc i just don’t like the attraction and it feels disgusting to me.

4), when boys have a crush on me, i get a ick really quick. when most boys would go up to me and say they got a “crush” on me, i fr cant tell if they’re being fr or lying. most of them don’t even say they’re serious but next thing I know, they talk shit and say horrid things about me. and most of that counts as s3xųal bullying (?) cause they harass me everywhere, hurt me, give me bruises, etc. this is why i cannot imagine myself w a man. i’m frightened.

5), when they act all sweet or when i reject them. if one comes up to me and i say no. they get all angry and start saying “you’re so [remark on how i look]” or “i never liked you anyway [horrid name]”. most of them call me that cause apparently i identify as neurodivergent. even worse. they knew about it somehow???”

6), i HATE how i can’t be w men. i get sometimes board when i only like girls and wish I can ditch labels but I don’t FEEL like that. yesterday, I went hotel and saw this white boy who was attractive. lesbians can find men attractive without wanting to date them right? you know when the realisation hits you cause you can’t feel like that cause that isn’t who you are.

7). i want male validation ofc but i identify as sapphic cause i only like women. but how to become friends w a man without having to feel like you wanna date him but that’s truly how you don’t feel? yeah. pain. comphet is getting my ass 😹

8). i am currently planning to stay single forever. i literally cannot handle myself being scared w men. what happened to me? i used to feel so comfortable w them but the bullying... 😕 + i’ve seen how women get abused and rap3d which scares me even worse. i’ve been sexually touched before by a man and at that same night, i dreamed of being rap3d. for no reason. deadass.

so when that my irls be saying, “you turned yourself gay”, “your fault”, la la la, it ain’t my fault. fuck them and tell them to fix up.

but end of my rant, thank you for listening to all that racket 😹 .

Today’s the best day like the best !!

i met the girl i had a little crush on, i was walking and i saw her in the place for food while walking by but my mind went, “stop! that’s your crush. go say hi and don’t be scared” so i thought, “hmmm I’m gonna go say hi to her”, i sat down and went, “hi!” and she went “hi !! ” while waving at me and i went, “how are you” and she said she felt nice and asked me the same and i said, while brushing things off (i think she noticed i was frightened to say hi), “I’m good, i was just scared of saying hi.. haha” and she went, “hmm????” with this suprised face and i repeated and BRO LET ME TELL YOU

I panicked when she leaned across the table to say “hey,” WHILE TOUCHING MY HANDS WHILE SMILING and went, “you shouldn't be scared okay baby? Im going to be here for you so dont be frightened” AND SMILED AGAIN AND BRO MY HEART SANK SO HARD

So I went, "I tried to say hi but you walked off but I don't think you noticed cause you were probably going somewhere" and my heart went "💖" so quick.

So I said, "I was new so I didn't understand much but I really wanna be friends" and she's like "okay then sweetheart, my name is [name] and you?" And she's like "mmhh neat" when I answered

NO CAUSE SHE LITERALLY HUGGED ME AND DRAGGED MY HAND ALONG WITH HERS

the panick in my mind and face was so visible, it wasn't a joke

I was so nervous like I was panicking, my eyes widened so hard

so she's like, "mmhm so where you wanna go?" while asking me she touched me,

my fucking heart jumped out of my chest like I was so weak for this girl

SHES SO FUCKING CUTE I CANT ANYMORE

GOODNESS i JUST WANNA AAAAHHHH

No cause I almost kissed her because we got close but she scramed away

I am telling you

If I never got away or she didn't, I would've kissed her.

THERE AND THEN.

omfg SHES SO CUTE ????

Can't remember since it happened hours ago but I finally GOT TO MEET HER

we're friends.

I could not take her to the bathroom because it was raining and I had places to go and I was rushed so I had to leave her behind

I feel bad :((

this made my day because

i went to this restaurant and i saw this nice ass manager and he was really friendly and basically offered anything we needed and while my family was talking to him, they had a few of piercings including lip ring and loads of badges, and they use he/him pronouns!!!!!

AND THEY TOLD ME IN SIGN LANGUAGE THAT THEY WERE A NON BINARY (gender) ARO (aromantic | romantic orientation) LESBIAN (sexuality) AND USES HE/HIM PRONOUNS (thank god my family doesn’t understand what was happening) and i told them i was nonbinary/trans who uses he/they and explained my sexuality to them since i was questioning and used queer as an umbrella term and HIS SMILE OH MY FUCKING GOD

THEN THEY GOT REALLY FRIENDLY AND MY FAMILY DIDNT NOTICE ANYTHING

when we left, we took each others numbers, AND I USED HIS PRONOUNS AND HE WAS SOBBING LIKE HE WAS GETTING ALL EXCITED AND HAPPY NZULSMSKQ

and he was super friendly to Me and my family and my family was really nice to him (even though they’re extremely lgbtqphobic) but like,, we were just really happy together

I found my queer peer !!!! LETS GOOOOO