I Want To Believe In Myself,

I keep forgetting myself

" I can't explain myself, I'm afraid,

Sir, because I'm not myself,

you see. "

3Am Thoughts

" if I start writing down everything that goes inside my brain....there you go xD "

I live with the fear of having to ask myself if I gave up too soon , and somehow that's all that keeps me going...

Maybe there's more to me than what they wanted , and I must've kept some secrets only to grow through all these wounds of mine...

I wonder if missing you was a mistake

What have I been staying up late for ? Why couldn't I sleep ? Maybe I should want myself more , maybe longing for you is killing me ...

I have monsters swirling through storms inside me , but I might as well look fine ...

What if I loose myself while trying to figure out why you left me ?

I suffer from stargazing...

I hear laughter in your wailing eyes ,

I see sinners in disguise,

I hear chants of broken prayers,

I see failed and anguished men...

all , as I seek for hope in the worst of times

all, as I seek for hope in the worst of times...

I didn't know of people being placid yet devoured ,in times of uncertainty, writing prophecies of each other's doom...

Been painting all my favorite stormy weather pictures from pinterest and I so wanna be a part of them x

"I don't want to feel like this,

but this is all I feel..."

21:57 pm

How loud, would she have been, with glistening red tears of fury, loss, and wars within...

Who would've maimed her autumnal skies, rose skin, gentle aesthete, and country choruses, enough to spiral into a dark vacuum of shambolic ambitions?

How loud, would she have been, to chisel a world within...to feel so much only to feel nothing...

The tragedy of being an artist is having to withhold a thousand souls in one body,

escaping only to conquer or to be doomed...

Such keen observers, how reticent to the naked eye,

yet, overwhelmingly exposed, aggressively honest, spatially present,

as if to mock oneself...

How January of a month to birth a poet in me ~

- Astha, "I should've painted my face blue", 18.01.2022