Hahahahahaha!

Lately, I've found myself turning to astrology more than I'd like to admit. It started as something fun and lighthearted—reading my horoscope for a little daily insight, checking my birth chart to see if the stars aligned with how I was feeling. But slowly, it became more than that. Now, I find myself looking to astrology for validation, seeking answers to questions I don't even fully understand.

The problem is, the more I rely on it, the more cynical I become. It's almost like I'm waiting for the universe to give me a sign that everything will work out, but it never quite happens the way I expect. Every time something doesn’t align with the "predictions," it throws me off. I start overthinking everything—why isn't my chart matching my reality? What does this mean for my future? Is something wrong with me or my choices?

In some ways, it feels like I'm losing trust in myself. Instead of taking charge of my life, I'm handing over the responsibility to something abstract, like the alignment of the stars. And honestly, it can be exhausting. I spend too much time analyzing and trying to piece together meaning from the cosmos, when maybe I just need to live my life, make decisions, and be okay with the uncertainty.

Astrology has its place—it can be a comforting lens to view the world through. But I’m realizing that relying on it for constant validation only traps me in a cycle of doubt and overthinking. I need to remind myself that while the stars can offer guidance, they don’t have all the answers. At the end of the day, it's up to me to trust my own instincts and make peace with the fact that life won’t always fit neatly into an astrological chart.

Maybe, instead of looking up at the stars for clarity, I need to start looking within.

My mind won’t let me rest at night

attachment issues?

I honestly do not like peaches but I really have to eat them before they get spoiled

It's too powerful I just wanna die.

Dear Diary,

It's hard to put into words the heaviness I've been carrying lately. The constant battle with my old self, always comparing and competing, is utterly exhausting. It's like I'm stuck in this never-ending contest, and it feels like I'm losing at every turn.

In my mind, there's this imaginary competition, a race against the version of me that used to be. It's haunting to witness, as if I'm continually falling short of my own expectations. It's suffocating to grapple with the idea that I'm not measuring up to the person I once was.

And then there are these other competitions I've conjured up in my head, comparing my life to the lives of those around me. It's as if I'm in a race with shadows, competing against illusions of success and happiness. The pressure is overwhelming, and it seems like I'm drowning in an ocean of self-doubt.

Tonight, the weight of it all feels unbearable. I find myself yearning for an escape, a release from this relentless struggle. The idea of ending this suffering crosses my mind like a dark cloud. I envision a peaceful departure, just drifting away to somewhere unknown, free from the weight of these imaginary battles.

In my darkest moments, I even entertain the thought of becoming a ghost, liberated from the constraints of life. The idea of floating somewhere, scaring people as an ethereal presence, almost seems like a twisted form of freedom. It's a morbid fantasy, I know, but in this state of weariness, it's hard to see any other way out.

I write these words not out of a desire for sympathy but as a desperate attempt to release the turmoil within me. Maybe tomorrow will bring a glimmer of hope, a shift in perspective, or the strength to confront these haunting thoughts. For now, I'll close this entry with a heavy heart, hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

Words can’t fully capture how I’m feeling today.

Maybe “shitty” is the closest way to describe it.

Anyway, I have a therapy session tomorrow, and I’ve decided it’ll be my last one with this therapist. I need to transition to a psychiatrist to get a formal diagnosis—my provisional diagnosis still hasn’t been released, and honestly, I just miss my original therapist.

When I was working with her, I felt like I was making real progress. Every session was productive, and I could feel myself growing. With my current therapist, it’s different. I feel unheard, like she’s focusing on things I’ve already moved past or on situations that don’t align with where I’m at mentally right now. Maybe that’s just her approach, but it’s not working for me.

IDK. I’m just ready for clarity and to feel like I’m actually moving forward again.

Saying goodbye to someone you once loved hits differently—it feels like you’re losing a piece of yourself, like the life you built together is slipping away. But as time passes, you start to see it for what it is: not a loss, but a chance to rediscover yourself and take back your heart. You learn to put your own needs, dreams, and happiness first. That’s where I am now, standing in that new, unfamiliar freedom.

No, I don’t want you back. Not in the way I once thought I would. We’ve grown older, and, more importantly, we’ve grown apart. The connection that once kept us close has faded, and with it, my need for you. I’ve taken that step many fear – the step towards reclaiming my own life, apart from the one we shared.

In the process of moving forward, I found myself rediscovering who I am. When you're with someone for so long, it's easy to lose yourself. You start compromising, blending your personality to fit theirs, and sometimes you forget the things that made you... you. But now, after letting go, I’ve started to rebuild. I’ve taken back my heart, my sense of self, and with that came the courage to start fresh.

I packed my bags and moved to a new city – the place where I was supposed to restart, to thrive, and find my footing. But instead, I’ve found myself feeling… nothing. It’s not that I expected things to immediately fall into place, but there’s an emptiness I can’t shake. It’s like I’m in the right spot for a new beginning, but my heart and mind just aren’t ready to bloom yet.

It’s strange. I’ve planted myself in fertile soil – a new city, new surroundings, new opportunities – but I refuse to let anything take root. I know there’s the potential for something beautiful to grow, whether it’s new friendships, a new love, or simply a new sense of belonging. Yet, for now, I’ve been keeping everything at a distance.

Maybe it’s fear. Fear of letting anything new take hold, knowing that it could uproot me once again. Or maybe it’s just that I need more time to heal, more time to understand who I am in this new chapter of my life. It’s hard to open up when you’ve just closed a door that was such a big part of your identity.

But even if I feel nothing at the moment, I know it’s temporary. I know that, eventually, something will take root – whether I let it or not. Life has a way of moving forward, even when we resist it. So, while I might not be ready right now, I’m learning to be patient with myself. I’m learning that it’s okay to not feel like I’m flourishing just yet. The seeds of growth are there; they’re just waiting for the right time to sprout.

For now, I’ll keep rediscovering myself, taking back more pieces of my heart and soul. And when the time comes, I’ll be ready to let something beautiful grow.

The Realities of Working as a Virtual Assistant: Pros and Cons

In today's gig economy, the role of a virtual assistant (VA) has gained significant traction. The flexibility and remote nature of the job appeal to many, especially those seeking to balance personal and professional lives. However, like any career path, it has its upsides and downsides. Here's a deep dive into what you can expect when working as a virtual assistant.

The Pros of Being a Virtual Assistant

1. Flexibility

One of the most significant advantages of being a VA is the ability to work from anywhere. As long as you have a reliable internet connection, your office can be a beach in Bali or your cozy living room. This flexibility allows for a better work-life balance and can be especially beneficial for those with family commitments or other personal responsibilities.

2. Diverse Opportunities

Working as a VA often means wearing many hats. You could be managing emails, scheduling meetings, handling social media, or performing market research. This diversity can make the job more engaging and provide a wide range of skills that can be useful in various fields.

3. Cost Savings

Commuting costs, work attire, and lunch expenses can add up. As a VA, these costs are significantly reduced. Additionally, you have the opportunity to take on multiple clients, potentially increasing your income.

4. Personal Growth

The virtual assistant role can be a great platform for personal growth. The nature of the job often requires excellent communication, time management, and organizational skills. Over time, you may find yourself becoming more adept in these areas, which can be beneficial in both personal and professional contexts.

The Cons of Being a Virtual Assistant

1. Job Stability

One of the most challenging aspects of being a VA is the lack of job security. Contracts can be terminated at any time, often with little notice. Clients' needs change, businesses pivot, and budget cuts happen. Without a long-term contract, there’s always a risk of losing your source of income.

2. Isolation

While working from home has its perks, it can also be isolating. Without the social interactions of a traditional office, you might miss out on the camaraderie and networking opportunities that come with being in a team environment.

3. Inconsistent Income

As a virtual assistant, your income can be unpredictable. Some months you might have more work than you can handle, while others might be sparse. This inconsistency can make budgeting and financial planning challenging.

4. Self-Discipline Required

Working remotely requires a high level of self-discipline and motivation. Without a manager looking over your shoulder, it can be easy to procrastinate or become distracted. It’s essential to have strong time management skills and the ability to stay focused on tasks.

Given these pros and cons, it's crucial to have a fallback plan. Here are some strategies to ensure you're prepared for any eventualities:

Build an Emergency Fund: Having a financial cushion can help you weather periods of inconsistent income or job loss.

Continuous Learning: Keep updating your skills and knowledge. The more versatile and skilled you are, the more valuable you become to current and potential clients.

Networking: Join VA communities, attend webinars, and connect with other professionals. Networking can lead to new job opportunities and provide support when needed.

Diversify Your Client Base: Relying on a single client for your income can be risky. Aim to have multiple clients to spread the risk.

Working as a virtual assistant can be incredibly rewarding, offering flexibility and diverse opportunities. However, it comes with its own set of challenges, particularly around job stability and income consistency. By understanding these pros and cons and preparing accordingly, you can make the most of your career as a virtual assistant. Embrace the journey, keep learning, and always have a plan B. *wink*

August 1, 2021

Wheat cranberry loaf, and cheese for breakfast. :) Plus coffee. What a morning!