Latest Posts by parkeryourefired - Page 6

Of all the ads and sites for hooking up, has there ever been a guy offering to do oral on a woman? Doesn't have to be full sex, just the girl getting eaten out until she's tired. It wouldn't be s&m. Do male escorts do that kind of thing? You always hear about blowjob offers, but never the other way around. Wonder if that's a worthwhile idea...

For all us people of action out there.

If the sentiment that sex workers of any kind cannot be raped because of their profession holds true, then is it also true infantrymen and cops cannot be shot, firefighters cannot burn, doctors cannot contract diseases, bankers cannot go bankrupt, racecar drivers cannot be run over, sea goers cannot drown, explosive ordnance disposal cannot blow up, aviators cannot crash, accountants cannot miscount, investigators cannot mishandle evidence, and judges cannot misjudge? Wish there was more I could do for Ms. Stoyadinovich than pose the above question. Though, I am glad she chose to come forward now, and I hope she has enough immediate support to help her through this.

Life goals

I have decided that I am going to marry into a family the last name Fowler, take their name, and name my kid Bard Ash Moulder Fowler. I'd be such a proud dad.

Someone needs to write a story about the Headless Horseman as an undead superhero who always forgets he's missing his head. He'll keep trying to head butt people or whistle for his horse, only to remember that he doesn't have a head. It'd start off with him writing a book about the inconvenience of being headless and follow his misadventures on his quest to find out where it went. All the while, he's battling people who want to take over the world or steal his head. He'll have great, heroic monologues in sign language that only get translated when someone else or the villain happen to know sign language. He also has to hide from everyday people because of the stigma created by the events in the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, which he swears (in sign language) to the authorities are terribly misinterpreted. People try to re-kill him, exorcise him, and capture him, etc. Demons and other undead try to take him back to the underworld. Aliens and super villains keep trying to destroy the planet. All he wants is to find his head and be able to enjoy a beer or two at the bar down the street from his apartment.

I don't know who this Max Fill guy is, but that fucker needs to stop putting limits on my bottles.

People on my facebook keep posting things about goats. Not sure what started that whole thing, but it did remind me just how awesome and badass goats are. They do whatever the fuck they feel like doing. Mostly, that's just finding the tallest object around and fucking standing on it. Do they need a reason? No. They give no fucks. They're goats. They watch you from their high places and use their voodoo laser eyes to peer into your soul so they can decide whether or not they want to eat it because they'll eat anything. Why? No one knows. They're goats. They don't give a fuck about property because they believe in their ability to chew on anything, and tasty souls are their number one. Who knows how Satan became associated with a goat, but I bet it had something to do with a farmer pissed off at how his goat would stand on top of his shit all day, then eat it after getting bored. Satan's probably afraid of goats because they'd just stand on his head, then chew on it because they're no-fucks-giving goats. Satan associated goats with himself, then spread the idea around the mortal population to prove the point goats are not to be fucked with. If fucking Galactus showed up to Earth, we wouldn't need Avengers or Guardians of the Galaxy, we'd need goddamn goats. He can't eat a planet if the goats eat him, first, and you bet your ass they would. They won't just stand on anything or eat anything, either. They've also developed an ability to head butt shit with enough force to cause small amounts of nuclear fusion. If they can't stand on something because it keeps moving, they'll deliver a head butt to the brief annoyance that reaches its resonant frequency and shatters it into oblivion. Then, the goat will either stand on the remains or devour them. Or both. A goat doesn't care. So, next time you happen across a farm or mountainside and feel you're being watched, remember that somewhere is a goat, not even a hungry goat, that's determining if your soul is tasty enough to be worth coming down from wherever it's standing. A goat won't care. It's a goat. If you don't have a soul, it's a perfect pet.

My subordinates think they're all professional as fuck, but when I need things done, they all bitch and make up excuses to not work.

I realized today I am the angriest person I know. It's amazing. It makes me wonder if everyone else is really good at blocking it out, or if they're all too fucking retarded to see the problems I see. So far, it's looking like the latter.

If I ever mostly die, I want science to put me in one of these.

Does the Bill Cosby thing confuse anyone else?

If you start from the beginning - not the recent accusations, the 1970's beginning - it's easy to put together a timeline. 1973-ish: Gives at least one victim Benadryl. Shit's strong if you've never had it before. Was probably more so back then. Rapes the girl. Then, as recent information has introduced, proceeded to pay them to keep it quiet. It stayed quiet. For 30 years, it was quiet. It'd have been impossible back then for any of his victims to step forward and claim rape. They'd have never stood a chance against someone as famous and powerful as he was. Plus, taking money to not say anything would have looked incredibly bad. Apparently, that's not an issue these days. Take the bribe, then turn around and play 100% victim. I have no interest in defending Cosby. He's no symbol of my childhood or of any attachment to me. It is unfortunate he wasn't torn down immediately after the first couple victims. That circles around to the original issue of his status and the definite protection he'd have had back then, however. Where I find issue is how these victims have gone about developing their case. Legal battles aren't cheap, and the statute of limitations has already cleared Cosby of his victims up to the 90's. Any good (business-minded) lawyer would have immediately turned down that case. There's absolutely no money in the accusations outside the statute of limitations. So, why would a lawyer do something as foolish as waste their time on a case pro-bono? Especially after their client(s) took a bribe? They couldn't possibly win unless they had evidence (which doesn't exist) or a confession (which in this case took about two years). How many hundreds of thousands of dollars went into the plaintiff side? How could they possibly hope to pay for all that? They couldn't. That's why they refused to drop it. After the bills began piling up, they knew they just had to wear Cosby down until he gave up and settled. This wasn't about justice. This was all about revenge. This was about money. What I am most interested to see is how much these primary victims walk away with once this is done. Cosby will be forced to pay their legal bills, but it will obviously not end there. These women will likely not only claim a ridiculous sum in "emotional damage" over the past 40 years, but it is guaranteed they will claim undue stress in their lives during the course of the legal battle. How many millions will Cosby lose just to satiate their greed? How much did he lose when pretty much everyone backed out of his comedy routines, TV show, endorsements, etc? He should never have gotten those things in the first place, but he certainly had the advantage back then. He deserves them even less now for having used his status and continuing on like nothing happened. He should lose his status, his money, and his fame. That much is warranted. But, he shouldn't have to give these harpies who waited 30+ years for their revenge a dime. He should pay their legal fees. That much is a given. However, the moment those once-victims put a price tag on their "suffering" (after having already accepted at least one bribe [with some having settled out of court after raising the issue before this most recent case]), is the moment justice will have been a lie. Bill Cosby is a damn moron. First, for even considering rape as a worthwhile endeavor. Second, for paying off those women. Third, for not fighting this to his grave (no matter how early). I hope he is ashamed of himself, and I hope all those people who worked with him to cover it up and defend him are, too. That being said, I cannot but hope he does one thing right. Like give all his money and estate to charity, then claim bankruptcy. Give everything he owns (though it is tainted) to people who do matter and had no part of leeching a has-been. Those once-victims deserve nothing from him but an apology. They deserve no money, no mention in history, no sympathy as "victims", no publicity, and no thought once this is over. Unless... Unless they do that one thing we could only expect of truly honorable people: Refuse any money. Take no money but the legal expenses and all costs associated with the case. Insist any profit to be had be given to, say, cancer research, women's shelters, health clinics. Places/organizations people who are sick or have been abused go to when they need help. That's a dream, though, isn't it? They'll take the money they "deserve" because they're "victims", and they needed "justice". All we need to do now is wait and see the price tag of their "suffering". Watch and wait while real victims are in hospitals, therapy, mental wards, and shut-ins.

You know who's awesome? Ronda Rousey. There's no point in beginning to describe her level of awesomeness because it would continue on longer than it'd take Floyd Mayweather to read Green Eggs and Ham. This woman is Athena incarnate, only she'd never put up with any of Zeus' bullshit.

One day, I will be like Tony Stark, and I'll have my own powered armor. One day...

No one else thinks it's disturbing?

I'm not sure when this "daddy" craze began, but it seems to have picked up in the last few years. Why? No one else finds it exceedingly troubling there are guys who insist on being called "daddy"? The only people I'd ever want to call me that are my kids. Or, is that the point? These guys have some deep-seated child rape/incest fantasies they satiate by demanding their significant other pretend to be a helpless prepubescent? And the flip side: Girls who have some father-figure obsession. I get the dominant relationship thing. "Master" and "sir" I get. Bondage, pain, biting, slapping, choking, forcing, &ct all make sense. "Daddy" makes me queasy.

Friend of mine put this on my Facebook a long time ago and tagged me as the guy walking as a joke. Funny thing is he may have been right about something I never noticed until now. Everything I see is ruin, and I walk alone. Not for want of trying otherwise; just every time I put myself out there and look to change from this picture, my life falls apart, and I begin to lose my identity. Maybe it's karma. Maybe I just can't break from myself. Maybe somewhere in those barren visions is the answer I'm looking for.

What Would [Insert famous person's name] Do?

This creeper at work keeps hitting on me. I suppose it was my fault he found out my phone number, but he continues to text incredibly inappropriate things. Mainly trying to get me to sleep with him or send nudes. Thing is, I'm not gay, and he knows that. Told him that over a dozen times. He's even threatened to find where I live so he can "spend time with me". I've tolerated it thus far, but it's been a little more than uncomfortable a lot of the time. Could start a sexual harassment complaint, but that's a can of worms probably not worth opening. Fucked up how that works, isn't it? Can't even do that without getting a ridiculous amount of backlash and probably killing my career. Could just block his number, but I try not to be too much a jerk. Eh. It's all bullshit. I've nothing against homosexuals, homosexuality, or any level of LGBT. Love is love, sexuality is sexuality, and happiness with yourself is what begins becoming more for others. It's just incredibly disturbing when what amounts to sexual harassment occurs. Can't imagine what it's like to be most females on social media these days. My outside perspective thinks it's really shitty most of the time. I try not to be a jerk, and I even apologize for writing or saying something clearly a joke. But, for people to be serious when they say the stupid shit they do makes me exceedingly angry. Red-out angry. I can't even call a girl names during sex (when I know she likes that kind of thing) or be super dominant in a relationship. I'm not the submissive type, either. Balance is my preferred state. A girl I can have pillow fights, Nerf battles, or spar with. Competitive, direct, and open. That's my taste, though. I know there are a lot of guys who want their girls to be second banana, and there are girls who like that (a very good friend of mine is that way); however, being fuckbucket misogynists and having heads so far up their own asses they amount to human Möbius strips doesn't give them any right to talk to anyone how they do. Think it earns them the right of letting a woman much stronger than them (Rhonda Rousey, perhaps) ensure they never regain full functionality of their bodies. The internet seems like a shitty place to be female. I'm sorry if I've ever been one of those guys. Something needs to change. It has to happen, doesn't it? Hard to believe it still hasn't happened, and the little progress made is very quietly pushed to the back burner. The stupidity of the human race can be so appalling.

I realized today my list of people I want to meet is almost empty. A lot of them are dead now, and that's pretty depressing. All I can hope is to meet Cary Elwes someday.

Never have I been so frustrated by anything. Kyudo is possibly the most difficult thing I've ever undertaken as a discipline. Guess it goes to show little control I have over my own movement and breathing.

The nature of the Cloak of Invisibility

Step 1) Don't be an opinionated asshole. Step 2) Don't assert yourself into other people's lives, conversations, etc. Congratulations! You have donned your Cloak of Invisibility! You may now go about your life doing good things and being a pleasant person, and no one will ever remember you.

In case people need a visual aid to help them understand.

Black rhino =/= human

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-32089948

Dear dumbfuck, bleeding-heart, ignorant, elitist assholes:

It is with all sincerity we kindly ask you to remove yourselves from the gene pool before retarding our species’ intellectual growth any further.

Best regards, Humanity

This man, who won an auction sanctioned by our government with the approval of the Namibian government (who should be getting at least some of the money from the auction proceeds), is not doing this for the same reasons stupid-ass Americans hunted buffalo to extinction.

Yes, I’m sure he enjoys hunting, the adventure, the danger, etc. - bringing the head back is, indeed, over-the-top - but he has been given permission to hunt a SINGLE, SPECIFIC rhino. He has not been given permission of any kind to uninhibitedly slaughter them out of existence. Like the Americans did to the buffalo.

The reason the Namibian government allows this is mainly because the rhinos live in Namibia, and the people there who study the animals know what they do. They are especially familiar to what old, full-grown bulls will do to calves or young bulls: Kill them. Perhaps the bulls don’t like how they smell. Perhaps the bulls sense some innate inferiority in a particular calf. Perhaps the bulls are afraid of the competition. Maybe the bulls just flat-out hate their young. Maybe scientists have a specific reason, but I haven’t looked for it yet. What I do know is those few thousand pound, full-grown bulls have zero qualms goring their young with that enormous horn. They kill the children for whatever reason the bull feels is a good reason.

In other words, the bull is a lot like long-expired members of government whose only directive is using the people and preventing competition until they somehow die. Sad truth, but that’s how it is.

Anyway, by killing the bull that’s on a sort-of rampage, the calves have a chance to actually grow up. The children have one less problem to deal with, and that’s a pretty good thing. So, this guy has paid to help at least slow that particular population of black-rhino.

Of course, there are all sorts of questions we could ask: “How did they survive before we started killing the insano-bulls,” “But, it’s inhumane to kill any animal, so why don’t they just tranquilize it,” and “Why are you playing God?”

All of these questions are very simply answered: Shut the fuck up, you inferior wastes of otherwise useful, basic, cosmic elements. I would use you people as fuel for space exploration rather than risk you procreating.

In a more serious, bare-bones, attempted all-inclusive answer, the humans who truly care are trying their best. I don’t care if the hunter cares. He could be the biggest dumbass in Texas who is only using this as an excuse to shoot something big. The point is, he’s doing it under the supervision of the Namibian government at their behest, and he’s only killing that one.

It’s an answer to a problem. Being able to stop poachers would be an enormous boon to the rhino population, but we don’t see any of you bitches who make death threats shipping yourselves to Namibia to help them stop the ILLEGAL killings. The best answer to help black rhinos would be to completely remove humans from the planet.

In fact, the planet would fare better as a whole. So, by all means, those of you who immediately respond to shock media by transforming into spitting, slobbering, babbling morons, please, go die and make room for our own specie’s children to grow in a slightly-less ignorance-choked world.

If Harrison Ford has a Twitter or anything like that, it'd be awesome if he posted, "Damn it, Chewie."

No explanation necessary. Unless you are one of these people. Then, I hate you and want to hit you with a brick.

That's not part of Japan. That's the island with Knights of the Round materia.

Why can't my sleep problems lead to this?

Has this ever happened to anyone else?

Has anyone ever come across a... uh... compromising video of some friends? They eventually got married, but the video is from before that. Has that ever happened to anyone else? It's kind of a weird situation.

Another perfectly good place ruined by people

How in the hell did even half the morons in this part of the state even get their driver's license? Driving in Texas is better than driving in northwest Florida.

"You must stay at the table until you finish all your beans. Then, you have my permission to die." -Lima Bane

In case you're wondering, yes, I did do this. Yes, it was on my phone, which is why it's not perfect (really wanted the coat, too). Yes, I hate lima beans.

Why is this a question?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-30933860 The simplest answer to this isn't through how they get money, weapons, or people. I'd like to refer to a line from the 2005 Matthew McConaughey movie Sahara: "Don't worry. It's Africa. Nobody cares about Africa." -General Zateb Kazim Not a great movie, but that line sums up the world's view of Africa. The only reason SA was ever considered important was for its diamonds. Other than that, the governments do next to nothing but cling to a non-existent power (if allowing their country(ies) to be taken by enemies is any indication of their power). They have no money because they have nothing to give. The money sent for aid, if it ever even reaches the government, typically goes directly to the ruling party/individual and their cronies. The people have nothing. Thousands are displaced by the insurgents, warlords, or corrupt governments, stealing ancestral lands, destroying homes, etc. Basics nearly every other continent has for the most part just don't exist. I can imagine the common people live in fear much of the time and just do everything they can to survive. Not to say everyone there is poor and living in mud huts. They have socio-economic classes, too, but they aren't like ours. Ours also aren't under constant, imminent threat of religious extremists. The people just want to live. Just have a normal, day-to-day life. Have a home, have a job, have a family. It's safe to say there are many who want to fight but are without means. They would fight to keep their homes if they could, but they aren't warriors or soldiers. Their governments sometimes gives groups guns, maybe training, but in the end, they're on their own against religious fanatics. I'm not saying the U.S. needs a direct hand in Africa. We don't even really need to fund them. We need to teach the governments, down to the lowest assistant/secretary/clerk, to stop being such shitstacks swindling each other and looking out only for "number one." It's the same problem in the M.E. The governments are so full of people who would stab their neighbor(s) in the back for a little extra that next to nothing ever gets done. It's true that our legislative branch is especially like that, but it's not on a scale that civil services, if they exist, are extorting people for their mail or some such. People here just don't get how lucky our boring lives are. Those who are all for sending our military in to do something they, themselves, don't understand should be challenged to take their Durrmocracy and Second Amendment over there to see how long their guns can win themselves a life like they have here. It is largely our fault the Taliban, Boko Haram, IS, etc. exist in the first place. This is what happens when you suddenly invade countries with zero plan. WW II was entirely different. There was no power vacuum. You had organized, educated, civic-minded individuals waiting on the sidelines to pick up the pieces. The M.E. had thousands of years of tribal culture that had no concept of a functioning State, only their immediate surroundings. Family was and still is their number one. Same in Africa. Those people we have "Americanized" are typically so corrupt, they'll wipe out entire villages just for a few thousand dollars. No different than what extremists are doing, just for different reasons. The funny thing is, if we focused on creating an environment that facilitated a mostly honest, civic-minded government devoid as possible of religious influence, we'd have seen a change. We'd be safer in the end, too. Instead, we fight for them and leave them just as ignorant as when we arrived. In the end, we're lucky we have an ocean between us and a government always watching us, because those are the only things stopping them from organizing here. But, it's Africa... It's over there. No one cares...

Is it guilt? What is it?

I have this weird, lingering... feeling...? Since we broke up about a year ago, we remained in contact, I have seen my ex gain at least thirty pounds. She was always insecure, depressed, anxious, etc. on top of being just downright lazy when it came to her physical well-being, and there was nothing I could say or do to get her to change that. She takes half a dozen medications to help her, and it seems to me they don't work. She refused to even eat better (A salad with ten ounces of ranch dressing is not healthy) when I gave up on offering to do walk-jog-run or something as simple as Wii-Fit. I didn't care she was overweight already or not as active as she should have been, I just wanted her to actually think for once instead of sitting on facebook all day eating junk food and looking (then, subsequently, complaining to me) at how all these "friends" kept getting married, engaged, blah, blah, blah. Eventually, the daily irony of being all these things on top of her going to nursing school was too much for me to bear. Few things make me angrier than people in health care, or trying to get into it, who can hardly make it up a flight of steps, much less have some semblance of mental/emotional stability. I don't care how smart a person is in a classroom (she is very book-smart, that much is true). If they think they are material for being in a position to possibly need to save people and have zero stability other than this illogical, masochistic idea that being in health care will mystically make themselves better (physically, mentally, emotionally), they're wrong. Thinking a job they will have huge responsibilities will magically make them take care of themselves, too, simply makes no sense at all when they have fits of depression or anxiety that keep them in bed all day. It makes me sad, too. It makes me sad because a part of me really, REALLY wanted to help her. I wanted to help her succeed, but she'd have nothing of it. A part of me also feels responsible for how she reacted to the breakup. Honestly, that's illogical, as well. Maybe even more so than her mindset. There was little worthwhile about that relationship, honestly. The relationship yielded little more than what a good friendship could have (sex has never been a strong selling point to me). Maybe if we'd been friends longer before dating, we could have circumvented the inevitable. She isn't a bad person, but she is too self-destructive for anyone less than psychiatrists to handle. Still... All-in-all, for whatever, ridiculous reason, I still feel bad... and I don't know why...