Posted This On Tiktok But Wanted To Share It Here Too. Pls Pls Pls Interact Rtc Fandom 🙏🙏

when is your birthday :)?

April the 18th :DD thank you for the question :DD

Every so often, I am reminded of my dysfunctional brain as it scrambles to remember thoughts that I feel that I do not have anymore and have lost in the deep sea of changing desires and misery and Like my sanity my brain is slowly decaying with every passing day as I have denied myself a rose coloured life and wallow in the tainted window of my own self reflection and hinder on every small detail of every small thing I did to mess up. Everything in the world is my fault. If I can't save everyone, then I dont deserve saving.[Not my art]

Nothing in the world belongs to me

Not happiness

Not misery

Not numbess

Not love

Not the tide and sea

All I have is the emptiness that inhabits thee

I cant stand to be myself

Drowning ship in the vast darkness of thoughts

Rain splashing down gently on the habour and all

The tide shortens but my heart keeps beating

The fish swim away and the jellyfish glow curiously

The ship slowly gets dragged in

Wilting and shedding sorrow like centaurea cyanus

Will this black pit in the sky ever cases?

Will these penumbra shackles ever release?

Will the ship ever sail again through the sea?

Will someone rescue and restore its sinking reality

The moon, the stars, and the children of the sea all watch with pityfull eyes

For The ship they can no longer see

Forever Lost in the night

In the stary sky

In the rains eye

All on alone

Floating away from thee

Trapped to try and reach the top of a sapphire sea

The ships' livelihood now a mere memory

Cheese

Every so often, I get slightly tiered if asking people if they are okay, I want to help people I do, but at some point, it becomes sort of draining if the other person never bothered to ask back. Sometimes, being caring can be rather lonely because when the people you know constantly give something wrong but never ask about you, then it can get rather isolated. Although I'm slightly contradicting myself as I can't accept help because I don't want to bother people with my problems, at the same time I at least want to be asked yk?[Not my art]

I think I've realised I'm bad luck. Everyone I meet every person I interact with as soon as I come into their lives. It all seems to turn to shit. Every second everyday I'm tourmented with paranoia that gets worse with people and I've found that that it manifests itself and fucks up other people's life. I feel like everyone would be better off without me, and I honestly wish they'd see that too, I think I have attachment issues because as soon as I befriend or come close with someone, I instantly desire to leave them, somtimes for selfish intent and somtimes for altruism but none the less I always do. I wish I had the guts to cut people of cold because as soon as I enter somones life as nice as I try to be I fuck up everyone around me without trying. I don't think I want to do that again. I dont think anyone deserves that, and I dont think I deserve anyone else. No one seems to be able to see that eventually, I'll just end up dragging people down. I'm a very avid reality thinker I often think of every conceivable reality where maybe things could be different but I know everyones life would be better if I wasnt in it, I'd rather they pain staklingly get support then wallow in their sadness while I coddle them, I've given up on myself and so should they. Im the losing dog that people bet on, and unbeknownst to them, they shouldn't.[Not my art] [Oc writing read desc for context]

I think I'm more inclined to help my freinds and such than they are to help me. Even if it is paranoia that leads it I fel like I always ask if there okay when there off and try my best to help writing them essays and tips on how to help getting them to talk to me and coaching then through it but I can't remember the last time any of them matched that kind of care. I feel shitty for saying it, but after a while, you start to notice these things. I'm not very inclined to ask for help, and the few times I have done, I just apologised every single time, but even simply having someone acknowledge that you're not okay still feels quite nice. Amd whats worse is that im never okay Ive seemed to say this many times and yet no one cares to respond but for once in my life I want somone watching there tone, making sure they seem happy and going out of there way to not upset them and constantly asking if there okay to me. For once, I want to feel like they care for me as much as i care for them. Even just once.[Not my art]

I feel very insecure in my feminity. Ever since I've started going to "..." I've noticed that as feminine as i like to be, compared to the other girls, I look quite like a boy. They all have long hair and nice boobs with big butts and things like that. My hair used to be longer, but i started to pick it out because there was always oil and things stuck in it, which made me feel a little disgusting. Once in engineering, a kid looked straight at me for a full minute and went, "I honestly can't tell if it's a boy or a girl." It. As if i was an object. (People who use it/its pronouns are totally valid) It didn't bother me at first, but it started to later on. I dont have long hair or long flowy eyelashes.. I dont have a nice curvy body or anything that counts as "Feminine." To be fair i used to be a wannabe masc so i guess he wasnt that far off but now I like to be as elegant and girly as possible [although i never get the chance to] so i guess it just bothered me. I even got told i look like I'd be a tomboy, and when i said "i like Maxi Dresses," he went "oh," so that didn't help much. I dont know why it bothered me so much.. I want to be looked at and seen as a beautifully haunting person. Even if i can't be seen as beautiful, I wouldn't want to be seen as a tomboy. Not even just that, but all the girls in my school wear their shirts as if they have to cling on to them for dear life or something while im here in my baggy shirt and sweat pants. For as long as i can remember, I really never knew how i wanted to dress or look. That is, of course, until i figured out what an aesthetic was and had a slight identity crisis, but I'd quite like to be seen as feminine. I dont particularly want to feel or be seen as a boy.. if you dont want to be seen as one, it kinda sucks. I very rarely look back on when i used to be a wannabe masc but i do remember on how i was barely sure i wanted to be like that and I'm still not completely sure if i want to be like who i am now.[Not my art]

I want to experience a million realities in one. I often wonder what my life would be like if i had made different actions if i had made different choices, different desires, and goals. I feel quite tethered to my universe sometimes, i mean.... I've just made these choices, and that's it, i can never go back, never un do never see what might have been? It feels funny that everything you do once you do it is just set in stone. My name is [......] but i dont quite like my name, so you can call me Ell,Victoria,Tori, or Jane. I've claimed lots of names as you can see, none of them being mine. But back to what i was saying, why must everything be how it is? Why must everything just....be? As much as my will to do anything has died, i still bere fading interests. I want there to be a reality where im a teacher, a poet, an author, a jazz artist, a painter, an illustrator why must I be a tired girl who cant acheive anything or do anything at all. If it's not become apparant, i have many dying interests. I think the only one im still passionate about is writing....and reading.. that's about it. Not even just passions and hobbies why cant there be a reality where i have longer hair, smaller eyes, a nicer body, more feminine features? Why are we tethered to one body one mind one reality? It seems like a rather silly question if you believe in past lives, but even those dont fufill what I mean. Even if i was all these things in another universe, im destined not to remember them. It doesn't matter much i guess. I dont feel in tune with any of those things anyway. I dont quite know what i want from the world because if i were to rembember all these other lifes I'd probably go crazy in worry about the next one but then again im already borderlining on crazy so whats one more reality with it?[Not my art]

Winter is Nye:

Winter is coming.

"Winter is coming?"

..."Winter is coming!!"

Falling from the above camparible To the petals of lily valleys being scattered about.

Falling from the sky

Snow as white as the miser himself

comes down like the wallowing

of a tearful goodbye.

The sun shines no longer as

winter is Nye

Somewhere far away a person

Dances waiting for there love

A stream hums gently nearby

All alone in the pearly snow

The beauty something I will never get enough

The winter makes one's heart grow cold

Snow flakes cover Your tounge With frost

Flowers covered in snow to be lost

Dears and bears prance about

Trying to find shelter to rest

A snowflake falls upon you winters kiss.

Winter hath come a snowfall bliss